I Just Learned What is Incel
I’m sure you’ve heard the horrible news out of Toronto. As I’ve been reading about what happened, I kept seeing the word “incel” used when referring to Alex Minassian — the man who drove the van into the crowd and killed ten people. But I didn’t know what it meant. And then this Twitter thread by Arshy Mann showed up in my stream — it gives an overview of what is incel, a bit of the history, and explains why people are talking about it now.
WHAT IS INCEL?
…What’s Your Kid’s Favorite Candy Bar?
Pretend you’re standing in a check out line with your child. You’re at an old-school regular grocery store — not Whole Foods, not Trader Joe’s, not Stew Leonard’s. Just a regular grocery store. And you ask your child if they want to pick out a candy bar. What would they pick? Do you feel like you know their favorite?
This is on my mind because yesterday, Betty mentioned that she had won a prize from her church Sunday School teacher, and that she got to pick out any candy bar she wanted. She chose her very favorite: a Take Five. And I was like, “What in the world is a Take Five? And since when are they your favorite? I thought you were all about Twix bars.”
It got me thinking about two things. First I asked myself: How well do I know my kids’ favorite things?
… I Accidentally Fell In Love With Twitter Again
I joined Twitter in May of 2008. Which means I’m coming up on my 10 year Twitter anniversary. For reference, I started blogging in July 2006, and joined Twitter less than 2 years into blogging. At the time, it was pretty much the only social media option out there. Facebook hadn’t yet become widely available. And Instagram and Pinterest wouldn’t exist for a few years.
In 2008, I found Twitter to be fascinating and entertaining. Twitter gave birth to the hashtag and I loved seeing how creative hashtags took on a life of their own. In those days, you could get a topic trending with just a small group of people, and at conferences or events, we would do so intentionally and it felt super powerful. Sometimes, when there were too many people on Twitter, the site would shut down and instead, there would be an image of the “Fail Whale” displayed.
When I started my account, I followed everyone I knew personally online at the time — pretty much all bloggers. Later, when Twitter started feeling like an extension of my business, I took Twitter classes from experts like Guy Kawasaki and would try out whatever the current trends were. For example, there was a year or so where I tried the recommendation to follow back everyone who followed me, and I ended up following several thousand people. When Twitter lists were introduced (I think it was 2009), I made a bunch of them, all with silly headings like, “Knows How to Drive Stick,” “Secret Hippies,” and “Has a Good Fake British Accent.” And then never looked at them again till I eventually deleted them.
… How Often Do You Replace…?
Just curious. I see advice all the time on how often to replace things. Toothbrushes? They say at least every three to four months. Mascara? The recommendation is two to three months. Makeup brushes/applicators? Same: two to three months. Your mattress? You’ve got ten years. But your pillows? One to two years. Bath towels? Every two years. And spices? They say eight months to a year.
Of course, this is just a small list — there are replacement recommendations for pretty much everything.
I was thinking of this at Target the other night when I was buying toothbrushes. I’m pretty sure it’s been at least six months since the last time I bought some. I know that will gross some of you out. Honestly, I don’t think I regularly follow a single one of the recommendations I listed. Or if I do, it’s by accident.
… Living With Kids: Adrienne Menniti
Portland, Oregon is one of my favorite cities in America — that’s why it was so exciting for me to connect with Adrienne, the mother featured in today’s Living With Kids home tour. Adrienne recently moved to a suburb, but she’s still feeling homesick for her previous place which was in North East Portland. Homes there are small and older but have beautiful craftsman details and buckets of charm. Adrienne and her husband put in a whole lot of hours restoring and renovating theirs. It’s no surprise they miss it so much. Welcome, Adrienne!
… What If You Give Your Kid The Wrong Name?
Our daughter Maude, currently a freshman in college, was home over her Spring Break and at one point, we were talking about her full name — Maude Emma Blair. One of our family stories is about how “Emma” was never quite the right fit name-wise. And that we pretty much knew it wasn’t right from the beginning, but we used the name anyway.
As we started our naming adventures, we didn’t know how many kids we’d end up with, but we were picturing a big family. We focused on names from our grandparent’s generation. We wanted them to be simple — easy to pronounce, and to spell. Old names that weren’t in use much anymore. We ended up using: Ralph, Maude, Olive, Oscar, Betty and Flora June as our children’s first names. I love the names individually and as a group (I love the human people with those names even more).
Looking back, we feel like confident namers, but at the beginning of our parenthood, it felt somewhat nerve-wracking. Naming a human being is a serious task. Names are powerful.
… Living With Kids: Ashley Rogers
Do you ever just want to go through your house and purge all the excess stuff. Like maybe if there weren’t 50 Barbies in your kid’s room, you wouldn’t have to help pick up that many Barbies every day? I absolutely love “things,” but today’s Living With Kids home tour reminds me how much I also love the absence of things.
Meet Ashley and her beautiful home in Saratoga Springs, Utah. She has got minimalism down to a science and it shows in her crisp white walls and thoughtful decor choices. Plus she has some really smart things to say about going through tough times and the things that really matter. Welcome, Ashley!
… Living With Kids: Elisha Kemp
When you first meet someone, you never really know what is going on in their mind and what kind of life they have lived. Everyone has a story and everyone’s story is so unique. I’m excited for you to meet this week’s living with kids mom, Elisha Kemp.
Elisha spent part of her child in the foster care system, met her husband originally as a young teen in a homeschool program, and now is the mother of two who homeschools her kids. Her house is sweet and charming. Welcome, Elisha!
… Which Grandparents Do Your Kids Feel Closer To?
Did you see the article in the New York Times titled The Maternal Grandparent Advantage? It talks about how grandchildren tend to be closer to the grandparents on their mother’s side, because mothers often act as “gatekeepers” to the grandchildren. If a mother doesn’t get along with her inlaws, she may limit the amount of time her kids spend at their house.
From the article: “Researchers exploring family affiliations point out that a so-called “matrilineal advantage” does exist. That is, daughters generally have closer ties to their own parents than to their in-laws, which leads to warmer relationships between their children and the maternal grandparents.”
… On Becoming a Fan of Short Weekend Trips — Plus a Report on our Trip to the Mendocino Coast
How do you feel about short weekend trips? The sort of trip where you leave on Friday after the kids are home from school, and you’re done with work, and you drive a few hours to a destination. Then you spend all day Saturday exploring and a good chunk of Sunday exploring too. And then you drive home Sunday afternoon or evening — ideally to arrive an hour or so before bedtime. Then it’s back to school and work on Monday.
I used to frown at this kind of trip. It felt like a lot of work for such a short amount of time — basically 48 hours — and a good chunk of that time is spent in the car. But as the kids have gotten older, with more complicated schedules, I’ve figured out that these little weekend road trips are a great way to squeeze in some dedicated family time. Sure, we’d love a full week at the beach, but that’s rarely if ever doable. And I’ve been surprised to learn how satisfying even a short trip can be — it’s all about the change of pace and scenery.
… Stay Up As Late As You Want… If You’re Reading
A couple of weeks ago at church, we were having a discussion about books, and two of my whip smart friends, Meg Conley and Hannah Pritchett, mentioned that when they were young, their parents gave them a bedtime rule: You can stay up as late as you’d like — as long as you’re reading.
Both of these women are prolific readers, going through pretty epics stacks of books every year. And both women credit some portion of their deeply ingrained love of reading to this bedtime rule. Both women also mentioned reading some pretty heavy stuff in elementary school — I think they mentioned Of Mice and Men in 2nd grade, and The Color Purple in 4th grade — and they were deeply affected by those books. It got me thinking about my own reading habits.
… Living With Kids: Kate Midda
You’re going to love Kate’s home in London, and I am so excited she shared it with us. When she first moved in, the house had been virtually untouched since the 1950s — and you can definitely see touches of that (hello, vintage wallpaper!). The updated house feels beautiful and bright and modern all at the same time. There are so many charming details in these photos you are going to want to pour over them, and Kate has some really beautiful things to say about motherhood and design as well. Welcome, Kate!!
… March For Our Lives – Oakland, California
Wow! What a weekend. Saturday felt like such a big day, and I’m so impressed with the teenagers who made it all happen. I loved seeing my own kids get involved. Our high school sophomore, Olive, gave a kickass speech at the March For Our Lives Rally in Oakland. She lead out the March. She was interviewed on NPR. And the San Francisco Chronicle kicked off their coverage with a quote from her! Oscar and Betty were also interviewed and photographed by several news outlets. Can I tell you a little bit about it?
… Navigating Social Situations When You Don’t Drink
In January I received a comment from a reader named Amy, asking about what it’s like to navigate not-drinking-alcohol in social situations.
She wrote:
Saw the champagne bottle on the last “a few things” of the year. I assume you might not drink being Mormon… don’t think you’ve ever written about that… do you ever end up being in situations where a lot of people are drinking and it’s annoying/awkward?
Then another reader, Ali, wrote:
We are also a non-drinking family and are planning a move to Italy. I’ve been wondering how to navigate social situations there where wine is such a part of the culture. I don’t want to offend people, but I’m not going to drink either. I’d love to hear how you handled social drinking situations in France.
Then a third reader, Bobbie, wrote:
I would also be curious about this. My live-in boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and I’ve (mostly) happily given up alcohol, but it makes social situations tough, especially around holidays or other celebrations. It doesn’t help that we don’t yet have kids and many social engagements still having a drinking element.
I’d be curious about how others handle this for other reasons. Especially because we will likely be planning a wedding soon–I’m feeling very anxious about an occasion where many will be drinking but we won’t be.
Does it offend people?
…Navigating Social Situations When You Don’t DrinkRead More »
Living With Kids: Lizzie Heiselt
We’re headed back to New York city this week to meet another incredible family. I’m excited to introduce you to Lizzie Heiselt, her husband Micah, and their 4 (soon to be 5!) kids. They live in Brooklyn, New York and have managed to thrive in a small space (they have a climbing wall in the kids bedroom!), as well as biking most places they need to go. Lizzie describes her bike as an “open-air, two-wheeled Mini Van” and after reading about how well she manages to get around on it, I’m tempted to go dust my bike off too. Welcome, Lizzie.
… Love The Place You Live: Ferry to San Francisco
Do any of you remember the Love the Place You Live column? It was focused on encouraging all of us to appreciate where we live and notice the great things about our area, whether it’s a big city or a small town. I’ve had some really fun explorations of Oakland in the past few weeks, and thought it might be fun to highlight some of them using the same column name. I admit it’s somewhat selfish — I like using the need for blog content to get me out of the house. : )
One of the most fun things we’ve done lately is rediscover the ferry from Oakland to San Francisco. We’ve been on it before — usually when friends are in town, as part of a tourist day — but we didn’t realize until earlier this month that it could make a great date night too. As we studied the ferry schedules, we discovered we could head in to the city around 6:00 PM, enjoy dinner and window shopping at the famed Ferry Building in San Francisco, then grab a ferry back by 7:30. That’s amazing!
For those of you who don’t know the Bay Area, trying to do the same visit by car would add another hour at least of just sitting in traffic, and then another huge chunk of time and money trying to figure out parking. Instead, we get to bypass all of that and take a stunning ferry ride that takes you right under the Bay Bridge!
It’s been quite rainy here, so for our last ferry date night, we grabbed an uber so that we could get dropped off right at the ferry stop in Jack London Square.
In the mornings, there are many commuters that use the ferry to head into the city for work, and a long line forms. But not in the evenings. In fact, we’ve gone a few times lately and it’s not usual to have just a handful of people on the boat. It feels like you have the whole thing to yourself.
…Adult Acne: What’s New and What Works?
Can we talk about Adult Acne for a minute? I’ve found myself totally caught off guard by it. I feel a little like when a friend who’s going to have a baby soon, asks me for breastfeeding advice, and among other things I tell her that nursing is curl-your-toes painful for a few weeks, and she nods like she’s taking it in. But then she calls me when the baby is 2 weeks old and the nipple scabs are forming and she can’t figure out why no one told her that nursing hurts like the devil.
I know I was warned about acne-for-grownups, but I guess I didn’t believe it? Or thought it was like a one week sort of thing? For most of my 20’s and 30’s I might get a breakout the week before my period, but usually it was no big deal. These days, it’s like a daily thing. Turns out it’s a longer phase than I anticipated. So lately, I’ve turned my attention to actively combatting it.
… #Enough National School Walkout
(Writing this quite late on Tuesday night. By the time you see it, this whole thing may be over. Hah!)
Will your kids be joining the walkout in the morning? If you haven’t heard about it, here are the basics:
– It’s called the #Enough National School Walkout.
– Thousands of students will be walking out of school at 10:00 AM local time.
– The walkouts will last 17 minutes to honor the 17 students killed at the recent school shooting in Florida.
– The aim of the walkout is to raise awareness about issues of school safety and the impact of gun violence.
Lots of parents have been talking about the walkouts on social media today. Some schools are trying to shut down the walkout. Others are hoping to pivot the event from a walkout to an assembly about kindness. No surprise, our Oakland schools are openly supportive of it.
… Random Thoughts
Who’s in the mood for a Random Thoughts post? Here’s what’s been on my mind lately.
– I’m still working on a little Alt Summit report for you, so watch for that in a bit. Something that always surprises me after the conference: I imagine I’m going to get a break afterwards. A few days of calm to recharge and reset. But it has never happened. Life just keeps going, you know? After the event, I arrive home to a big full house, which means laundry and scout campouts and someone has a tick and someone else needs cough drops and don’t forget to pay for the AP tests and all the Design Mom deadlines I missed over the last month are still waiting for me, long overdue. (For those of you who don’t know, I’m the owner/CEO of Altitude Summit — a popular conference for creative entrepreneurs and social media folks.)
This is not a complaint. I love my life. This was the 14th conference in 9 years. I suppose I’m just surprised that I’m still surprised all these years later that life keeps going despite my personal calendar. : )
– My second oldest child, Maude, turned 19 on Sunday. I have a 19 year old and a 20 year old. That is unbelievable to me.
… Living With Kids: Jessica Rushing
Are you an adventurous parent? Do you prefer the comfort and safety of the familiar or would you be willing to pack up your whole family and move overseas if you found the opportunity? I can’t wait for you to meet today’s Living With Kids family, the Rushings, who did just that.
Jessica, her husband Matt, and their four kids moved to a small village in England, are thriving in their new life. She has a lot of great things to say about doing challenging things as a parent. And their home, which is an old vicarage, is full of charm and great places to curl up and read a book. Welcome, Jessica! …