Note from Design Mom: Two years ago, I tried something new. I wrote a Twitter thread for the first time. That first thread is about abortion, irresponsible ejaculations, why politicians who claim to care about abortion don’t really care, and how I think we need to approach the topic of abortion differently. I’m republishing it here today to mark the anniversary (and because I know many of you don’t use Twitter).
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I’m a mother of six, and a Mormon. I have a good understanding of arguments surrounding abortion, religious and otherwise. I’ve been listening to men grandstand about women’s reproductive rights, and I’m convinced men actually have zero interest in stopping abortion. Here’s why…
If you want to stop abortion, you need to prevent unwanted pregnancies. And men are 100% responsible for unwanted pregnancies. No for real, they are. Perhaps you are thinking: IT TAKES TWO! And yes, it does take two for _intentional_ pregnancies.
But ALL unwanted pregnancies are caused by the irresponsible ejaculations of men. Period. Don’t believe me? Let me walk you through it. Let’s start with this: women’s eggs are only fertile about 2 days each month. And that’s for a limited number of years.
That makes 24 days a year a women’s egg might get fertilized. But men can cause pregnancy 365 days a year. In fact, if you’re a man who ejaculates multiple times a day, you could cause multiple pregnancies daily. In theory a man could cause 1000+ unwanted pregnancies in just one year.
And though their sperm gets crappier as they age, men can cause unwanted pregnancies from puberty till death. So just starting with basic biology + the calendar it’s easy to see men are the issue here.
But what about birth control? If a woman doesn’t want to risk an unwanted pregnancy, why wouldn’t she just use birth control? If a women can manage to figure out how to get an abortion, surely she can get birth control, right? Great questions.
Modern birth control is possibly the greatest invention of the last century, and I am very grateful for it. It’s also brutal. The side effects for many women are ridiculously harmful. So ridiculous, that when an oral contraception for men was created, it wasn’t approved…
… because of the side effects. And the list of side effects was about 1/3 as long as the known side effects for women’s oral contraception.
There’s a lot to be unpacked just in that story, but I’ll simply point out that as a society, we really don’t mind if women suffer, physically or mentally, as long as it makes things easier for men.
But good news, Men: Even with the horrible side effects, women are still very willing to use birth control. Unfortunately it’s harder to get than it should be. Birth control options for women require a doctor’s appointment and a prescription. It’s not free, and often not cheap.
In fact there are many people trying to make it more expensive by fighting to make sure insurance companies refuse to cover it. Oral contraceptives for women can’t be acquired easily, or at the last minute. And they don’t work instantly.
If we’re talking about the pill, it requires consistent daily use and doesn’t leave much room for mistakes, forgetfulness, or unexpected disruptions to daily schedules. And again, the side effects can be brutal. I’M STILL GRATEFUL FOR IT PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT AWAY.
I’m just saying women’s birth control isn’t simple or easy. In contrast, let’s look at birth control for men, meaning condoms. Condoms are readily available at all hours, inexpensive, convenient, and don’t require a prescription. They’re effective, and work on demand, instantly.
Men can keep them stocked up just in case, so they’re always prepared. Amazing! They are so much easier than birth control options for women. As a bonus, in general, women love when men use condoms. They keep us from getting STDs, they don’t lessen our pleasure during sex or prevent us from climaxing.
And the best part? Clean up is so much easier — no waddling to the toilet as your jizz drips down our legs. So why in the world are there ever unwanted pregnancies? Why don’t men just use condoms every time they have sex? Seems so simple, right?
Oh. I remember. Men don’t love condoms. In fact, men frequently pressure women to have sex without a condom. And it’s not unheard of for men to remove the condom during sex, without the women’s permission or knowledge. (Pro-tip: That’s assault.)
Why would men want to have sex without a condom? Good question. Apparently it’s because for the minutes they are penetrating their partner, having no condom on gives the experience more pleasure.
So… there are men willing to risk getting a woman pregnant — which means literally risking her life, her health, her social status, her relationships, and her career, so that they can experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure? Is that for real? Yes. Yes it is.
What are we talking about here pleasure-wise? If there’s a pleasure scale, with pain beginning at zero and going down into the negatives, a back-scratch falling at 5, and an orgasm without a condom being a 10, where would sex with a condom fall? Like a 7 or 8?
So it’s not like sex with a condom is not pleasurable, it’s just not as pleasurable. An 8 instead of a 10. Let me emphasize that again: Men regularly choose to put women at massive risk by having non-condom sex, in order to experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure.
Now keep in mind, for the truly condom-averse, men also have a non-condom, always-ready birth control built right in, called the pull out. It’s not perfect, and it’s a favorite joke, but according to experts, when done correctly, it is also 96% effective.
So surely, we can expect men who aren’t wearing a condom to at least learn to pull out correctly and pull out every time they have sex, right?
Nope.
And why not?
Well, again, apparently it’s slightly more pleasurable to climax inside a vagina than, say, on their partner’s stomach. So men are willing to risk the life, health and well-being of women, in order to experience a tiny bit more pleasure for like 5 seconds during orgasm.
It’s mind-boggling and disturbing when you realize that’s the choice men are making. And honestly, I’m not as mad as I should be about this, because we’ve trained men from birth that their pleasure is of utmost importance in the world. (We’ve also trained them to dis-associate sex and pregnancy.)
While we’re here, let’s talk a bit more about pleasure and biology. Did you know that (with few exceptions) a man can’t get a woman pregnant without having an orgasm? Which means that we can conclude getting a woman pregnant is a pleasurable act for men.
But did you further know that men can get a woman pregnant without her feeling any pleasure at all? In fact, it’s totally possible for a man to impregnate a woman even while causing her excruciating pain, trauma or horror.
In contrast, a woman can have non-stop orgasms with or without a partner and never once get herself pregnant. A woman’s orgasm has literally nothing to do with pregnancy or fertility — her clitoris exists not for creating new babies, but simply for pleasure.
No matter how many orgasms she has, they won’t make her pregnant. Rule of thumb: Pregnancies can only happen when men have an orgasm. Unwanted pregnancies can only happen when men orgasm irresponsibly.
What this means is a women can be the sluttliest slut in the entire world who loves having orgasms all day long and all night long and she will never find herself with an unwanted pregnancy unless a man shows up and ejaculates irresponsibly.
Women enjoying sex does not equal unwanted pregnancy and abortion. Men enjoying sex and having irresponsible ejaculations is what causes unwanted pregnancies and abortion.
Let’s talk more about responsibility. Men often don’t know, and don’t ask, and don’t think to ask, if they’ve caused a pregnancy. They may never think of it, or associate sex with making babies at all. Why? Because there are 0 consequences for men who cause unwanted pregnancies.
If the woman decides to have an abortion, the man may never know he caused an unwanted pregnancy with his irresponsible ejaculation.
If the woman decides to have the baby, or put the baby up for adoption, the man may never know he caused an unwanted pregnancy with his irresponsible ejaculation, or that there’s now a child walking around with 50% of his DNA.
If the woman does tell him that he caused an unwanted pregnancy and that she’s having the baby, the closest thing to a consequence for him, is that he may need to pay child support. But our current child support system is well-known to be a joke.
Only 61% of men (or women) who are legally required to pay it, do. With little or no repercussions. In lots of states, their credit isn’t even affected. So, many men keep going as is, causing unwanted pregnancies with irresponsible ejaculations and never giving it thought.
When the topic of abortion comes up, men might think: Abortion is horrible; women should not have abortions. And never once consider the man who caused the unwanted pregnancy.
If you’re not holding men responsible for unwanted pregnancies, then you are wasting your time.
Stop protesting at clinics. Stop shaming women. Stop trying to overturn abortion laws. If you actually care about reducing or eliminating the number of abortions in our country, simply HOLD MEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
What would that look like? What if there was a real and immediate consequence for men who cause an unwanted pregnancy? What kind of consequence would make sense? Should it be as harsh, painful, nauseating, scarring, expensive, risky, and life-altering…
… as forcing a woman to go through a 9-month unwanted pregnancy?
In my experience, men really like their testicles. If irresponsible ejaculations were putting their balls at risk, they would stop being irresponsible. Does castration seem like a cruel and unusual punishment? Definitely.
But is it worse than forcing 500,000 women a year to puke daily for months, gain 40 pounds, and then rip their bodies apart in childbirth? Is a handful of castrations worse than women dying during forced pregnancy and childbirth?
Put a castration law on the books, implement the law, let the media tell the story, and in 3 months or less, tada! abortions will have virtually disappeared. Can you picture it? No more abortions in less than 3 months, without ever trying to outlaw them. Amazing.
For those of you who consider abortion to be murder, wouldn’t you be on board with having a handful of men castrated, if it prevented 500,000 murders each year?
And if not, is that because you actually care more about policing women’s bodies, morality, and sexuality, than you do about reducing or eliminating abortions? (That’s a rhetorical question.)
Hey, you can even have the men who will be castrated bank their sperm before it happens — just in case they want to responsibly have kids some day.
Can’t wrap your head around a physical punishment for men? Even though you seem to be more than fine with physical punishments for women? Okay. Then how about this prevention idea: At the onset of puberty, all males in the U.S. could be required by law to get a vasectomy.
Vasectomies are very safe, highly reversible, and about as invasive as a doctor’s exam for a woman getting a birth control prescription. There is some soreness afterwards for about 24 hours, but that’s pretty much it for side effects.
(So much better than The Pill, which is taken by millions of women in our country, the side effects of which are well known and can be brutal.)
If/when the male becomes a responsible adult, and perhaps finds a mate, if they want to have a baby, the vasectomy can be reversed, and then redone once the childbearing stage is over. And each male can bank their sperm before the vasectomy, just in case.
It’s not that wild of an idea. 80% of males in the U.S. are circumcised, most as babies. And that’s not reversible.
Don’t like my ideas? That’s fine. I’m sure there are better ones. Go ahead and suggest your own ideas. My point is that it’s nonsense to focus on women if you’re trying to get rid of abortions. Abortion is the “cure” for an unwanted pregnancy.
If you want to stop abortions, you need to prevent the “disease” – meaning, unwanted pregnancies. And the only way to do that, is by focusing on men, because: MEN CAUSE 100% OF UNWANTED PREGNANCIES. Or. IRRESPONSIBLE EJACULATIONS BY MEN CAUSE 100% OF UNWANTED PREGNANCIES.
If you’re a man, what would the consequence need to be for you to never again ejaculate irresponsibly? Would it be money related? Maybe a loss of rights or freedoms? Physical pain?
Ask yourselves: What would it take for you to value the life of your sexual partner more than your own temporary pleasure or convenience?
Are you someone who learns better with analogies? Let’s try this one: Think of another great pleasure in life, let’s say food. Think of your favorite meal, dessert, or drink.
What if you found out that every time you indulge in that favorite food you risked causing great physical and mental pain for someone you know intimately. You might not cause any pain, but it’s a real risk.
Well, you’d probably be sad, but never indulge in that food again, right? Not worth the risk!
And then, what if you further found out, there was a simple thing you could do before you ate that favorite food, and it would eliminate the risk of causing pain to someone else. Which is great news!
But the simple thing you need to do makes the experience of eating the food slightly less pleasurable. To be clear, it would still be very pleasurable, but slightly less so. Like maybe you have to eat the food with a fork or spoon that you don’t particularly like.
Would you be willing to do that simple thing, and eliminate the risk of causing pain to someone you know intimately, every single time you ate your favorite food?
OF COURSE YOU WOULD.
Condoms (or even pulling out) is that simple thing. Don’t put women at risk. Don’t choose to maximize your own pleasure if it risks causing women pain.
Men mostly run our government. Men mostly make the laws. And men could eliminate abortions in three months or less without ever touching an abortion law or evening mentioning women.
In summary: STOP TRYING TO CONTROL WOMEN’S BODIES AND SEXUALITY. UNWANTED PREGNANCIES ARE CAUSED BY MEN.
The end.
——
Well. There it is. My first Twitter thread. I actually had this written for several months before I published it, and was hesitant to share it. Not sure why. But hearing so many men talking about women’s reproductive rights (related to the Kavanaugh hearings), brought me to hit publish. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. What could we do as a society to have men shoulder the burden of preventing unwanted pregnancies?
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Many points are spot on but, as mentioned by many others, the pull out method is not a reliable method of birth control. How many unwanted pregnancies will occur in the future because people read this post and thought they couldn’t get pregnant by using the pull out method. It would be responsible publishing to fix that misinformation.
Well I think you missed the MATH PART of that statement and Gabby clearly shows the pull out method AS GAMBLING ROULETTE. Never did she say it was 100% affective, only abstinence or masturbation is 100% ALWAYS. Even men with vasectomies have gotten women pregnant on the rarest of moments.
At 67 I never thought of it either. It is brilliant. Thank you and please keep writing. You have a keen perspective and it is sorely needed. Please keep reposting things. Thank you!!!!
You can’t really argue with this deductive reasoning and it’s obviously unfair for a man to not take SIMPLE precautions or to not take responsibility when a woman doesn’t have a choice. However, women’s bodies produce babies, men’s do not. Are we blaming men for nature? Do we think it would be any different if the roles were reversed? Men have the physical ability to be irresponsible and if women did, they would probably do the same. But since it is the way it is, yes society should try and hold men and women to the same standard. And while we’re at it, let’s not forget that women are not just victims and that we know the risks and can make choices too (in most cases).
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This is GENIUS. Now can someone invent an app that will rate a man’s ejaculatory responsibility? Or incorporate it as a feature on a man’s profile on Match.com, Tinder, Bumble, etc?
Go Designmom!
Hi Gabrielle, this is awesome. Like others, I can’t believe I’d never thought of the points you raise… so logical! Thank you xx
Thank You!!!! Very well said.
The issues are real. The problems are real. The blah blah blah back and forth with people who are unable to see the big picture is a waste of everyone’s time. If you want to change the perspective of sex, pregnancy, women’s rights etc. we need to teach our children (male and female) responsibility and character.
I am SO sorry you are being attacked. Anybody who thinks unwanted pregnancies are NOT caused by men ejaculating inside women was probably asleep during Biology class.
The best solution to any problem is to understand and address the root cause. Anyone who doesn’t understand that probably doesn’t have a track record of finding lasting solutions to complex and pressing problems.
This is one of the best things I’ve ever read when it comes to the abortion issue. Well done! When will women finally be treated as equals?
I LOVE LOVE LOVE what you wrote!! thank you!!!
YYYEEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
Wild applause for this Twitter moment and post!
INCREDIBLEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!
For years I’ve been saying that if you oppose abortions, but aren’t ALSO rabidly pushing all of the PROVEN ways to prevent unwanted pregnancy (birth control, sex ed. Etc) then you do not really oppose abortion at all….
I was raised Mormon, and watched my mother cry as my step-father would lecture and punish his daughters for such transgressions as walking too loudly on the tile floor. Everything was centered around making this man happy, for he was the only one who could talk to God. Of course, we were treasure cause we had to have babies. I found the religion so oppressive, bizarre, and hypocritical that I never stepped foot in church after I left home at 17. My little sister came to live with me when she was 16, after refusing to participate in a “service” project that required the young women to serve dinner to the men. I can recount countless stories of how i was taught over and over and over again that my job was to please my future husband and have children. I knew it was BS, and somehow I married a phenomenal man who has never believed I’m here to please him (we just celebrated our thirty year anniversary). I’ve gone on to be very successful at the highest levels of a profession dominated by men. So, I’m good, right? Haha, not so fast. Your thread stunned me, revealed me, turned my thinking on its head. You are so, so right, and your analysis is so deeply satisfying. Thankfully, my daughter (named Amber!) is nonplussed, and read your thread with interest, impressed only with the writing. It’s never even occurred to her that she owes a man anything simply because he is a man. If I had been raised by you, I’m certain I’d still be Mormon.
Thanks for writing this. I shared it with my boyfriend and we had a very meaningful discussion about it afterward. While I no more agree with forced sterilization of men than I do with forcing women to keep unwanted pregnancies, it got us thinking about some alternatives. I recalled a story about a huge grant in Colorado a few years back that gave free IUDs to Colorado women– no questions asked, just free reliable, long-term birth control. Teen pregnancy, unwanted pregnancy, and abortions all fell significantly. We wondered if there could be some government or grant program for free vasectomies, including educational out reach and the procedure, and, potential, future reversal when it’s time to have a family.
My boyfriend googled how much vasectomies cost ($100-$1,000; most covered by insurance)– they’re about the cost of an IUD, and are mostly covered by insurance. Very little down time, easily reversed.
He said he’d look into having the procedure because he knows how much havoc my IUD wreaks on my body.
So anyhow– thank you for writing this, and posting it. That took courage. And it sparked meaningful conversations. Kudos!
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. This post is so important and relevant – also here in Germany, where the anti-abortion movement is not as harsh and large as in the US.
I especially love the fact that it comes from a woman who has several kids and is part of a conervative church. I really admire you for speaking up and speaking out!
THIS is amazing. YOU are amazing. Thank you <3
It’s about time someone says this. I said the same thing
I was molested starting at age 8. In fact when you see young sexually actively or provocatively dressed girls,
It would be good to know many have been sexually abused.
I was molested by different men and women. They recognized that I was groomed. They had my number
I was so messed up from all the sexual abuse outside the home and physical and verbal abuse in the home that when my abused pressured me to try pot, I took it. I just wanted to numb the pain. It helped
I became pregnant at 14 and 15. I had an IUD placer at 14. He paid for the abortion and the IUD. I got pregnant again the next year.
No one else knew except the doctor. He was our family doctor. Later when I worked at a video rental place, he came in every week and rented porn.
There was no way I would have been able to go through pregnancy as I was in no way capable of carrying the burden of having my abusers baby in me. Nor would u have ever wanted to be tied to him forever.
And again. He had a choice. I had never even thought about intercourse or wanted to have it. It want on my radar. It is usually men who pressure women ( girls).
Thank you so much for this wow! If you haven’t yet please everyone watch reversing roe on Netflix it is imperative!!
This issue that has consumed so many decades of our lives, our courts, our presidents, our ways to manipulate the people must come to an end.
This was never about abortion this was and continues to be about controlling and oppressing women.
We must band together in a new way going forward and really try to drive this point home to the people.
If a second supreme court judge gets appointed who has committed sexual assult it will be time to stage a revolt. Enough is enough women!!
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If a man produced an unplanned child, he either needs to be able to pay enough child support to support the child and provide emotional support as well. If he can’t do that, then off with the balls. I think that would do a lot to get men to think before having sex.
Biggest waste of time on an article. You assume all abortions are a result of rape. I’d be interested to know what that number really is. Maybe… just maybe your argument could hold water if that number were high. However I don’t think it is and I feel strongly that sex is a two-way street. Signed by a woman who enjoys sex, has three wanted children, and has often used birth control with no side effects and knows how to say no!
Kristina,
Many young women are forced into having sex every day. Whether that is physical coercion, mental or peer pressure it is sex without free will. It’s wonderful that you have never had a negative experience but is there room for the experiences of others? It took me adopting a daughter to be able to talk freely about what happened to me. Do you know how underreported rape is?
Thoroughly agree with her & folks harping on 2 days versus 6, etc are falling to see the forest for the trees. At 17 was forced by an older boyfriend who kept saying he would pull out. I was terrified I would get pregnant. And on that single occasion, I did. I was still in HS & once I realized I was forced to tell my dad. My stepmom put me out the house saying u r having sex, then u must be a woman, figure it out. And I did. I figured out how to lie to get the $$ to pay for a late term abortion. I figured out how to lie about the date of my last period so I could join the military to get the GI bill to payback for college. But what I did not figure out until it was too late was that a late term abortion requires a D&C. So years later when I was married & tired to conceive I learnt that I could never get pregnant against due to severe scarring from the late term abortion. The guy you ask? Went on with his life, unaffected, uncaring. His selfish act impacted my life forever. This impact on his? Nil.
If men were the ones who became pregnant, I think many would prosecute anyone who knocked them up without a contract in place first.
I love you with my whole heart.
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“One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think the dangers of contraception in this country. … Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be. …”—Rick Santorum (2011), YouTube: http://bit.ly/2zV68oz (2:14).
Yeah, you tell ’em Rick—there should be no human sexual activity except for the explicit purpose of procreation!
I notice that Bart O’Kavanaugh has only two children so it’s doubtful he’s using only the Catholic-approved form of birth control—“Vatican Roulette”! As with most such religionists, hypocritical to the core!
Thank you for hitting publish. Well said. Very well said.
As a 79 yr old catholic male, I got a blessing from a priest in the army that it was not only responsible but important to use a rubber when fing. After our last child, (per my wife) I got “clipped”. My only concern, was what if my wife changes get mind afterward. Got clipped any way.
I have read all of the hits on this twitter page is, Now don’t get bitchy PLEASE!!!, Why don’t carry condoms with them and DEMAND their use???
This twitter page MUST be turned into a must teach and read as #1 sex education book/course.
Any one to comment. This is educational to me and hopefully to ALL men. Just want your honest opinions. I am also for business purposes on Linked in. and I will give you my e-mail address. OK???
Thank you for this! God bless you and freedom of speech! Love and hugs ❤️
This has been so my exact thoughts in the last few weeks. I think the brash tone reminds me a bit of Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal. It metaphorically grabs the male audience by the balls. Well done.
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Brava.
Amazing post. Thank you. I am sharing it with the Health and Wellness teacher at my daughter’s high school.
Suggestion:
Compulsory DNA of all males at birth.
Any female who has a sexual encounter and incurs an unwanted pregnancy can then:
1. Have an abortion and DNA tissue testing. The male involved will then be sued for costs of abortion and damage to female.
2. Female has child and DNA tissue testing. The male will be sued for damages and costs of child maintenance until 18 years old.
3. Female has child and DNA tissue testing. Child is then given to male to rear and male is sued for damages by female.
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THIS IS BRILLIANT!
I’ve thought about this so much since reading it!
“If you want to stop abortion, you need to prevent unwanted pregnancies. And men are 100% responsible for unwanted pregnancies.”
I feel like this needs to get embroidered on hankies and sent to all the political decision makers.
Added this to a blog round up of other inspiring articles I’ve read lately!
I’m giving you a standing O(vation)!
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Very good article. I agree with the point she is making. I do believe however that the roots to the problem lay deep in society and have to do with the deconstruction of the nuclear family.
Here’s a good consequence for men… marry the woman you impregnate. better yet be already married be for you do. Be responsible, raise the child, lay down your life for said woman and child; financially, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Be a man!
This also is a serious consequence for the woman. So take responsibility for your half of the process too. Don’t sleep with men that have no commitment to you. Marriage was designed to prevent unwanted pregnancies.
Thank you so much for writing this amazing article Ms Blair. I shared it with my FB friends and they too enjoyed it as much as i.
As a mother of boys, a wife of a man, sister of brothers, and a friend and respected co-worker of so many men, this was a hard read for me.
But, as a well-educated, professional, and modern woman of faith, I find your bravery and honesty as another mother of faith about how to prevent the need for abortion, adoption, and unwanted pregnancies absolutely accurate. Your outside-the-box thinking and theory would prevent women from shouldering all the blame and would not allow anyone the opportunity for hateful righteousness.
Thank you!
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As a Man, who is responsible, literate and intelligent, I agree wholeheartedly with your twitter. Why don’t those crazy anti-abortionist protesters go and do something useful, like promote your very clear and well thought out points.