Hey there. I wrote a Twitter thread about the consequences of supporting Trump. I’m sharing it here because I know many of you don’t use Twitter.
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The other day I saw a tweet where a person described that when they find out someone they know personally supports Trump, they lose all respect for them instantly. I liked the tweet and retweeted it, but stopped short of sharing it on Instagram.
Why?
I suppose it’s because, like the author of the tweet, I also know Trump supporters in real life. They already know I think Trump is gross, and they know that I frequently criticize Trump supporters as a group. But I’ve hesitated to tell them directly that I’ve lost respect for them individually.
But I woke up this morning, read reports of the final night of the Republican National Convention — an event where hundreds of federal employees broke many laws — grew deeply angry, and now my hesitation is gone.
My instagram content is different than my Twitter content. On Twitter, I mostly retweet people. On Instagram, I share more personal stuff — like renovations, vacations, and updates about my family. I also highlight tweets and political opinions on Instagram, but it’s maybe 20% of my content there.
A frequent DM (direct message) I receive on Instagram is some version of this: “I come here for design and to see your life in France. Stop posting political stuff.”
These DMs are, without exception, from Trump supporters, or people who claim to be independent, but will definitely vote for Trump and are ashamed to admit it.
My response: I do not create content for you.
It makes me sick to my stomach that you, a Trump supporter, ever read or watch or listen to anything I’ve created. This is true even if I know you in real life.
I see what you are trying to do. You want me to treat you like a decent human being. But you are not behaving like a decent human being.
A decent person doesn’t align themself with people who are proudly racist and who insist America doesn’t have a racism problem.
A decent person doesn’t align themself with people who believe viral right-wing stories on Facebook over trained journalists, who think Q is real, who think the pandemic is fake, who think the earth is flat.
A decent person doesn’t align themself with people who weep and faint over celebrity-child-trafficking-rings that don’t exist, but support the ICE family separations at the border that actually lead to child trafficking.
A decent person knows what it feels like to do a job and not get paid, and recognizes that Trump is first and foremost a con-man, liar, and thief.
A decent person knows and acknowledges that Trump only looks out for himself.
A decent person knows Trump raped a 13-year-old, has read her description of the rape, has read all the other accounts of Trump sexually assaulting girls and women, and never forgets Trump is a rapist who has never had to face consequences for his assaults.
I see you. Especially my fellow white women. You want to read what interesting people are reading, you want to see good movies, you want to know what the designers and artists are creating.
But you don’t want anyone to know you are voting for Trump.
You don’t like when people you follow talk politics. You say it’s because you want to “focus on the positive.” But really, it’s because it reminds you of your Trump shame.
You want to vote for Trump and experience no negative consequences.
But that’s not an option.
One of the consequences of your actions? I do not respect you.
How could I?
How could I respect someone who hears about a Black man being shot by police 7 times in his back, while his kids watch, and their first thought is: “Well, we don’t know the whole story.”
Another consequence of your actions? I have a deep desire to withhold my community and my creations from you.
Instagram has data that could tell me exactly which of you support Trump. I wish they would give me that data. I would block every single one of you.
My Instagram followers request access to my life daily. You’re voting for Trump and you want to know the source for my daughter’s dress? My answer is: No. You want to know the paint color we chose for the attic renovation? No. You want to participate in a parenting discussion on Design Mom? No.
I want to shun you from my community.
If gatherings were safely happening, I want you to be shunned from all events hosted by decent people. No wedding invitations. No conference tickets. No backyard barbecues.
I want decent event hosts to send you a card, explaining you are not invited because you are a Trump supporter.
I wish stores like Ikea and Target wouldn’t let you buy their products.
I wish your internet provider (who for sure knows you’ll be voting for Trump), would cut you off as a customer.
I want to see you shunned by every person and organization that doesn’t support Trump. No more access to their books, movies, products, music, events, artists & influencers — till you are left with nothing but Smashmouth concerts, and Ben Shapiro talking about his sex life.
Some of you will tell me you have no choice; that you’re a single issue voter and that your single issue is abortion, so you can only vote for an anti-abortion candidate.
And I will respond: The Republicans are making a fool of you.
We all know Republicans talk big about being anti-abortion but their policies don’t reduce abortions. Republican policies increase things like teen pregnancy, which also increases abortions.
The fact is: abortion numbers go down under the policies of Democrats.
If you want to reduce abortion, the most effective, proven way to do so is to vote for Democrats. If the most important issue to you is reducing abortions, then the only choice you have is voting for Democrats up and down the ballot.
Some of you will tell me you support Trump because of the stock market.
Well, that is certainly something a selfish a**hole would do.
A whopping 90% of Americans have no stake in the stock market. I’m one of them.
If you like the current trajectory of our economy; if you want existing and newly created wealth to continue to be concentrated in the top 10%; if you don’t think employers should have to provide a living wage; if you somehow think hoarding a billion dollars is ethical; if you don’t want to tax the rich; then I don’t make content for you.
I create content and community for decent people. Do we agree on everything? No. We may debate the best way to educate kids. Or disagree on baby names, favorite books, or suburban vs. urban vs, country living. But I will not make space for you to debate the merits of white supremacy.
You want respect, but your behavior and beliefs are not worthy of respect.
You don’t want to be shamed or mocked for supporting Trump, but you align yourself with people who want to “make liberal snowflakes cry” and who mock anyone who wears a pandemic mask.
Do you think I care about losing you as a follower? I do not. Not one bit. I will actively block you on Instagram if I know you’re a Trump supporter. You unfollowing me doesn’t hurt me in any way. I literally — in the true sense of the word — won’t notice you are gone.
You can’t support Trump and also be a decent human being. You can’t support Trump and earn my respect.
Want to be a decent person? Don’t want to worry about being shunned? You’re in luck! The solution is easy and free:
Stop being a Trump supporter. Don’t vote for Trump.
That’s it. That’s the thread. How about you? Can you relate? Or do find that you are still able to respect the Trump supporters you know?
tell people that tell you what to post/what not to post that you will refund the price of their entry ticket! lol. Do not let people bully you about what you create on your page, <3
I starting reading your blog for design but, as the world becomes increasingly unrecognizable, I am profoundly grateful for your ability to state clearly what so many of us are thinking. You are an important voice. Please keep up the good work!
Thank you, Gabrielle. THANK YOU. I didn’t follow you before, but I do now.
I bet your pardon. I’m being presumptuous as hell by posting this info, but I hope it’s helpful. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed in the States these days.
ALL AMERICANS ON THIS THREAD, if you haven’t done this already:
Check your voter registration. Make sure it’s up to date.
Make a voting plan. Your county board of elections can guide you about ordering a mail-in ballot (don’t mail it back. Hand-deliver it to the nearest county collection point).
Covid is still our reality here, but if you feel comfortable, please consider working as an election volunteer. The more volunteers, the less likely to close polling places, *especially* those that serve voters of color.
Expect voter suppression attempts. It’s the only way Rs can win now that they’re the Party of Trump.
Be prepared not to know who won the night of November 3rd. Be prepared for shenanigans. If you have election law expertise, please consider volunteering for the Ds, or any of the anti-Trump groups and super PACS.
VOTE on Nov 3, or before, if your state offers early in-person voting. If you’re an expat, contact the American Embassy or google for expat groups. They’ll all have voting plans too.
I know this sounds wacky and alarmist, but if we don’t get rid of Trump, we risk losing it all, imperfect as it may be.
So mask up, and work your voting plan. We can beat this man no matter how he cheats, if enough of us vote.
Amen, amen, amen, and alleluia!
Thank you for saying what I am thinking every single moment of every single day. Thank you for making a stand, thank you for letting me know I am not alone.
Besides loving this post, one thing that really comes to my mind (news/political junkie that I am), is that, judging from the comments, NO WONDER Trump is struggling with female, urban/suburban, college-educated voters. Not to exclude anyone, but I mean, that is the demographic on here for the most part, right? I’m just wondering if the comments represent a microcosm of the demographics he is struggling with. The GOP has seriously been hemmoraghing (sp?) female voters, the sorts of voters who read blogs exactly like this one (Cup of Jo is another blog that seems to have those demographic similarities). I just think about the House bloodbath in 2018 from R’s, mainly due to female suburban voters galloping away from the GOP–the suburbs are where Dems made the strongest gains. Anyway, I just find the emotional intensity, the near-universal agreement in the comments to reflect current voting patterns.
Gabby, I can’t thank you enough for this post. I feel so much less alone now. What a relief to read in print so much of what I’ve thought and felt since I sobbed at 2 in the morning after the 2016 election. Those feelings have intensified to a level even I didn’t think was possible.
“I’m just wondering if the comments represent a microcosm of the demographics he is struggling with.”
I’d say it’s pretty clear that these comments represent a microcosm in which Trump does not perform well, but I’d be cautious in deciding it’s “female, urban/suburban, college-educated” – it may be smaller than that.
I could be wrong, but I don’t think so. If you read any mainstream newspaper/organization over the past year and a half, there is a ton of empirical data on the sheer number of suburban women who have been turning from the Republican Party to left-leaning Independent or outright Democrat (urban women were already solidly on the left). If you just google “suburban women”, you’ll come up with articles from NBC, Politico (there’s a great article from just two days ago), and Insider. Washington Post and the NYTimes have featured articles on this subject within the past several weeks, too. NPR had an article about Trump being down by 15 points on 7/26/2020 among suburban women….so no, if one of DesignMom’s primary audiences is suburban women from a data standpoint, I’d say the comments are pretty representative of this phenomenon. (See, I am a news junkie ha ha).
Hi gabby. I agree with all you have said and back you up 100%.
But……… you have fallen victim to one of trumps most manipulative tactics. And that is to cause divisiveness, at all costs, amongst Americans today. Please don’t shun people; instead embrace them in ways that show them trumps evilness.
Not her job!
If they can’t see his evilness then they are numb or blind or both.
Meg, Respectively, that’s not my point at all.
To be divisive with ones family is just destructive to any family unit and I would never encourage anyone to ‘disown’, or shun, family members because of differences of political opinion. That’s just beyond my sense of right and wrong. You cannot tell people what to believe, you can only live the way you live to be an example to others. To say it’s not your job to show others a different, and in your opinion, a better way to believe, is not working together to make a better life, it’s being divisive and oppressive. Sounds like trump himself!
Let’s involve ourselves in our communities where we see fit to make the changes in the current destructive administration. VOTE FOR BIDEN/HARRIS!!
I meant to say respectfully. Duh. ;)
“Your behavior is hurtful and I don’t want to be around you anymore until you do better” is a valid and emotionally healthy response to Trump supporters who believe they deserve our attention and time in spite of the havoc they’ve wreaked on society. It is not “causing divisiveness” to say that you no longer want to associate with people whose values are cruelty and bigotry. They want to do harm with impunity AND they want to still be liked. They aren’t owed that by anyone. It’s not just a difference of political opinion, and it’s not telling people what to believe. It’s stating that their choices and their behavior HARM OTHERS, and you will no longer condone it or be a party to it. The divisiveness has already been caused by Trump supporters.If they want to take responsibility for and change their behavior, apologize, and repent and repair some of the bonds they’ve broken, then they can do that work on their own time. We don’t have to subject ourselves to their toxicity repeatedly while they continue to believe that there is nothing wrong with their actions. Removing ourselves, especially with loved ones, may be one of the best things we can do to show them that there is something deeply wrong with their behavior. Continuing to allow them the same access to our lives as before doesn’t teach them that their commitment to fascism is a problem for us, and it leads them to believe they can just keep harming people and there will be zero social consequences.
My father in law told me in Germany as Hitler was committing suicide because things did not go his way, there were still people who supported him! Wolfgang said everyone had to be very careful what they said because they could become one of Hitler’s victims. Nine members of the family died, Hitler wiped out an entire generation. Right on Design Mom! JDF
Love seeing your name here, Jean. I miss you! I really appreciate your comment. Love you, Jean.
Your courage, integrity, and decency buoyed me, and all with whom I share this, in the contrail of despondency left by their convention of horrors.
Bravo! This is perfectly said. You have a fan for life
Thank you for writing this. I have said and thought many of these same words. These stealth actors clearly want the benefits of dealing with decent people, but they do not want the burden of in turn, being decent. And, in my opinion, they do not want to live in a world full of people like themselves. They want to greedily accept your creativity and kindness while secretly reserving the right to never reciprocate.
You are the bomb. Brava.
You might be interested to know that I do not equate not shunning someone as being polite. We all are affected with each new administration that comes in. I do not believe in attacking or shunning any group for what they believe in, although there are many I do not agree with and have great concerns about. As I said above, I do not think that shunning someone is helpful in the long run. It shows anger and hostility. Change comes about through love and compassion. Not that anyone should be forced to show love and compassion to those they disagree with, of course, but shunning is not the way for me and I stand by it.
If you don’t like the word shunning, that’s fine. Replace it with ‘setting boundaries’ or ‘establishing and communicating consequences’.
Thank you! I loved your whole post. Most impressive was your succinct explanation for why being anti-abortion is not a justification for voting for Trump.
Five million high fives to you sister! You took all the words out of my mouth. It has been eating me alive…this very subject! So sick of hearing “but they are a good person” even though they vote for Trump. BULLSHIT! This is a moral issue!
So well said as usual Gabby. I read your thread on Instagram this morning and was so upset and fired up. I’m ashamed to say that in the comments there I replied to someone in a very rude way, I was just so appalled at the ignorance of some of the comments there and the deliberate(?) misreading of what you wrote.
How did this hateful man get elected? Who could possibly vote for him after his P*$sy grabbing comment? Why wasn’t that enough?
I am sure that most of the disagreement from commenters are from white people who have not been adversely affected by his policies. Families ripped apart at the border, people dying of Covid-19, People of Colour being murdered by police, overt societal racism; all a result of this presidency.
It’s about time Americans started taking care of one another in terms of being willing to pay for social services through taxes, being willing to fight Gerrymandering, to being open to immigration. Letting people know that their behaviour is repulsing us is a great step forward.
As usual the thoughtful comments here on the blog are wonderful to read and the way commenters have responded to each other is what makes this an amazing online community to be a part of. Thank You!!
There has been such pain in watching the worst of our fears come true. Thank you for speaking the truth. Shine the light on those who refuse to see what is happening in our country.
I am in awe of your balls of steel and ability to stand up 100% for what you believe in. I have been anguished the last 4 years by Trump and his supporters as I literally can’t fathom it. Your conviction, intelligence, and dedication give me so much hope and I am sooooo thankful. You have a fan in me for life.
Ack!!! I was reading this on my phone and I’ve got a cracked screen and sometimes the phone freaks out because of the cracked screen and wouldn’t you know it, it freaked out. Freaked out to the point that it thought I hit the ‘report this account’ button. I DIDN’T HIT THE REPORT THIS ACCOUNT BUTTON. It confirmed it anyway without me hitting a thing. I’M SO SORRY! I’m slowly sliding under my rug from embarrassment….hope it didn’t screw anything up for you.
(Good post by the way, lots of food for thought. Lots.)
Gabby, I cannot tell you enough how grateful I am for this post and for your thoughtful, good readers.
I have always been profoundly optimistic and joyful, and one of the things I’ve always believed about the world is that people, even people who screw up, are inherently good. But this presidency, and especially this year, has broken me. My heart just hurts all the time.
I mean, I gritted my way through the W. Bush years and had profound disagreements with many of his policies, but I could mostly understand how good, decent humans could still support him. I didn’t feel like I was walking around the world estranged from the rest of humanity, terrified that the nice lady I talked to at the grocery store might be voting for the man who is causing so much harm and pain to those most vulnerable. I could sit across a table with my Bush-voting family members and have debate and dialogue about actual issues and not feel like I had to protect my children from people I loved.
Yesterday, as I was crying and railing about a stupid shitty world where there are actual people who see nothing wrong with a police officer shooting a man in the back, nothing wrong with a teenager driving to another state with a long gun and an intent to kill people protesting that injustice, my husband asked me how I’m still holding on to hope and belief in the innate goodness of people. “I don’t think I am anymore,” I told him. “I think most people in the world *think* they’re good, but the evidence doesn’t seem to back it up.”
Today, though—this post is a master class in bravery and integrity. And reading all of the responses here and on twitter and on facebook have restored a whole hell of a lot of my faith in human goodness and reason. Thank you, to you and everyone else up thread who has responded to it with nuance and compassion and thoughtfulness.
Heather, you are not alone. My husband and I have repeatedly discussed (with each other and with our kids) the exact thing you describe about the W years as compared to today.
wow, great post. Most of those I know, outright say they love Trump. They can’t see the actual man, just what they want to see. I am stealing this. its what I believe.
Yes!! You can’t hear me, but I’m clapping and whooping like you’re a rock star! We can do this America!
That. Was. Amazing. I’ve been a longtime fan, but I usually read your blog via Feedly (I think this might even be my first comment!). After reading this post, I had to come here to thank you for saying the hard things. 🥰
Two years ago, I walked out of my evangelical church and never returned. I had just finished reading a biography of Dietrich Bonhoeffer and the parallels between the German Lutheran church during the 1930s and 40s and today’s evangelical movement were too great to ignore. Simply put, the church was compromised for political power, and its leaders became mouthpieces of the Third Reich. Although I never turned away from God or my faith, this was a social amputation that deeply impacted our family and was incredibly painful (and remains so). We have been shunned and the target of gossip and lies. Those hands in the air on Sundays are the same hands that type hate on Mondays, it seems. Perhaps this is a discussion for another time, but how does your stated position square with your church and it’s actions? Although, I am certain I chose wisely and correctly, my heart hurts for a thousand different reasons.
I’m so sorry. I can relate to much of this, not the adverse response (it’s just been more silence than anything from those I’ve left behind), but as a life-long Evangelical, I really, really feel you. I’ve left too, even though I retain the same faith. It’s such a loss in so many ways.
Amen! Amen! A thousand ‘Amens’ from every row!
Thank you for this, Gabby.
Bravo! So well explained.
Yes. Yes yes yes!
I’ve been wrestling so hard with all this.. especially since I’m surrounded by it: immediate family, neighbors, even close friends. Thank you for the reminder that I’m not as alone as I often feel on my little “anti 45-island.”
*There are more of us than there are of them, and they win by making us feel like we are alone.*
I think about this concept from Star Wars 9 all the time in relation to what we are experiencing in this current US political time.
Deepest appreciation for your direct words that spell it out all so precisely and perfectly!
Ladies (and gentlemen):
If you have energy and anger, direct it toward contacting voters in swing states. You can do it from home and you get training.
My personal goal is to contact 100 people living in PA to counteract the Trump voters I know in WA.
Full respect, Gabriel!!! More evidence of your fierceness and fearlessness and integrity and can’t thank you enough for sticking your neck out with a post like this. It all needs to be shouted from the rooftops. As we know, the undergird of republicanism is restricting/disenfranchising voting. Trumpism would not exist if D.C. and Puerto Rico had congressional representation and voting (for PR) and if the big and many small voting injustices around the country were addressed. Don’t get me started on the electoral college. Trump’s enablers fear the serious reckoning that this would bring and are going for broke with their lies and spin to keep the status quo. Anyway, I think your post makes a difference both in (possibly, if anything does anymore) getting the attention of a would-be Trump voter in a new way, and ALSO, you’ve distilled the issue of the polite Trump voter in a way that is a salve to hear it laid bare and a road map for others to use. Hope others with platforms will follow your bold lead. Many, many thanks.
[Edited because it’s a crappy troll.]
Go away Kennedy/Lilla/Jocelyn. You’re a troll and I’m not going to publish your comments no matter what name you use.
Wow!! This is amazing! I thought I spoke the truth but this is truly amazing. May this give more of us the confidence to do the same. Thank you!!!!!
I believe this was originally linked in one of your Friday posts a handful of years ago. I found it smart and insightful then, and I still do.
I know, and have for many years, that you have more of a liberal leaning than I do. Despite whatever political differences we have you have always struck me as wise. Wise in the sense that you see and communicate the complexity of humanity and navigating this thing called life. This is why I have been a reader for years. To whittle a person’s value or warrant for respect down to a single viewpoint or choice seems to be a departure from this.
I know it can be more complicated than that. There are stanch supporters refusing to find fault in their candidate and his/her policies no matter what. This is true of both parties/sides. However, I believe most people feel like they are left between a rock and a hard place in our current political climate/election.
The worst thing any one of us can do is get stuck in our own respective feedback loops. There is much work to be done and it is only accomplished by allowing us all the freedom of thought and speech and then engaging one another in hopes of understanding. True progress isn’t made by making me think what you think. It is made by allowing me to understand what you think and then decide for myself whether or not I agree. And it is a two-way street.
Your comment really pissed me off, Erika. You are acting like we all need to calmly discuss whether or not police should shoot people in the back 7 times. Not everything is up for discussion! These aren’t disagreements about politics, these are disagreements about morality.
Where are you drawing your lines? Which arguments do I need to take seriously and carefully consider? When Trump supporters roam the streets with assault weapons, waving confederate flags, how patient should I be with their white supremacy? How gently should I engage them?
I have zero illusions about changing the minds of Trump supporters. If they are sticking with him at this point, there is nothing that would change their minds.
[Removed because the commenter stated explicitly that she can’t see the difference between Trump and Biden, and therefore she can not be taken seriously, and should not be given any type of platform for her nonsense.]
ErikaW, it’s unfortunate that you didn’t actually absorb the full meaning of the first amendment in your media law class. Certainly the government is prevented from restricting speech in a public forum (as in the Skokie case), but this blog isn’t a public forum as defined by first amendment law and Gabby isn’t the government. She doesn’t have to allow any kind of speech on her blog. As a private citizen, you don’t have to entertain speech that you don’t like in your private forum
(which is what this is – Gabby’s private forum) if you don’t want to. Furthermore, as she made clear in her post, she’s not saying that people aren’t entitled to hold different views or say things with which she disagrees. She’s just saying there are consequences to those actions. There are also consequences when people exercise their right to free speech in a public forum under the first amendment. The consequences are constitutionally not allowed to come from the government, but private citizens are allowed to think whatever they want about whatever is said in a public forum. They’re allowed to the speaker for it, even if the speaker doesn’t like the judgment. If the speaker feels upset by the judgment, it’s for the speaker to consider why.
Lyss, A Lawyer, I admittedly am not a lawyer and would not pretend to be. I’m not sure I misunderstand First Amendment freedoms. I was pointing out that if I want those freedoms preserved for myself then they are preserved for all. That is true whether I agree or disagree, engage or don’t, am offended or not.
I absolutely understand that this is Gabby’s private domain and she can say what she likes and block comments. My original comment was not asking her to take it down, it was simply pointing out that it felt like a departure from the tone that I have appreciated over the years. One that always seemed to realize that most of the time, most people are grappling with the intricacies of enormous problems, ones that very rarely have plain and easy solutions.
Again, I am aware that she can draw whatever boundaries she likes. I will stand by the fact that I think there is a more productive way to engage others on these issues. I’m not ready to accept the consequences of blanket generalizations and deeming any with a differing viewpoints the scum of the earth. That would make me no different than the extremists I abhor.
I just discovered your blog – a friend tagged me to check out this particular post on FB. Thank you for framing this in a way so many of us can relate to! I’ve struggled, and recently wrote a long piece on my own Facebook page about this struggle with the Trump supporters in my life and how to handle them. (Bonus that you lived in CO – where I live now – and that you now live in France – I’m married to a Frenchman :) ) I look forward to being a new follower of your amazing blog!
[Removed because Katherine isn’t a member of this community, has never commented before this post, and insists on leaving crazy-long comments trying to use my platform in a way I don’t want it used.]
Bravo! I respected and admired you before I read your message and now my respect and admiration are so beyond words. Thank you. ❤️🇨🇦
I love this post, thank you so much. I too am a white LDS woman, and between church and living in a red state, I fell very, very alone sometimes.
Thank you for saying what’s been in my head for a while now, I wholeheartedly agree with you.
Long time reader (11 years and counting!), first time commenter from Canada. I find the way your blog has evolved to voice your internal growth and evolution over the years on very complicated issues to be remarkable and courageous, especially since it goes against the messaging of your faith institution (but ironically not it’s core teachings). I for one love and admire that the women who opened their lives to me a decade ago to inspire home decor, baby names and amazing family photos have also recognized organically over the years that these platforms need to evlolve and speak to bigger issues that our plaguing our world and OUR FAMILIES. A ‘mom blog’ that doesn’t weave in these issues are the problem and are furthering the idea that our roles as mothers is to be silent and keep up the pretense that the world is beautiful because our kids and homes are beautiful. It’s silencing and minimizing. I am so in awe that you won’t let them push you into that corner anymore via the passive aggressive DMs and comments. “shut up and wallpaper” is just the same as “shut up and dribble”. You are not hired entertainment for us and it’s a shame that you have readers that think that’s what you are.
Because I’m in Canada I can’t fully empathize with the pain that Trump’s toxicity has done your families, schools, workplaces and other communities on a ground level. But I can empathize with the anger of being called the problem for saying ENOUGH or that OUR SILENCE IS COMPLIANCE. Just this week I found myself in a FB blood match with “friends” after I challenged a friends post that I thought was speaking to his own past/present appropriation and fetishizing of black culture and experiences. I was really disappointed that my challenging of people’s use of the word “courageous” for what was a lazy one sentence and link to an article post made me the bully. I mentioned this persons pass use of the N word (and defense of it) and it was considered a cheap shot and a cyber attack. Seriously??!? While these people aren’t Trump supporters, the defensiveness and the disingenuous attempts to acknowledge their own past harms without wanting to speak specifically to what their pass harms are to me echoes the commenters here that are calling your post “vitorol” and “hateful”. We no longer should be made to feel that they our worthy of our compassion and space when they have never extended that courtesy to themselves. It isn’t our job anymore to peel back the layers of their harm to find their pain and hurt so that we can understand what informed it in the first place.
Why do we have to do the work they won’t do? Speaking up is the Christ like thing to do, being kind and accepting of it isn’t.
thank you very much for this. I hope so much that other women with popular platforms on the internet follow suit in taking this kind of stand. I’m writing from Canada, and want to echo what the Canadians and New Zealanders shared above. The U.S. has enormous influence on the rest of the world, and having the worst of humanity empowered in this way (45 and all of his enablers, conspiracy theorists, etc.) has others elsewhere following suit.
It is also worth mentioning – and I’m sure the Blairs have encountered this in France – that the state of affairs in the U.S. has cost the country so much in reputation and influence. I wonder if Americans, who are very patriotic people, would have been motivated to act sooner if they knew the pity and horror with which the rest of the world looked on at their country.
Thank you for your candor and clarity. This is the time for standing up for what’s right, and defining what that really means. It means *not* voting for Trump.
When I read this out loud to my family, they actually cheered all the way through. It was a relief to hear your perspective. I think you’ve pinpointed a lot of the conflict that I haven’t been able to put into words. I’m still struggling to figure out how to work with other members of our faith — good people who have blessed my life – who now are spewing divisive and dangerous nonsense. (Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise that we’re not holding church meetings right now, because I’m not sure that I wouldn’t be distracted by the division I feel. And also that is SO sad). I think it helps to identify the ideas of boundaries and consequences. But oh, this is the absolute worst.
Great, Gabby!
I’m Italian and very interested in how people in US have been protesting, resisting, speaking up in many different and hopefully effective ways. Fingers crossed!
A question for you Gabby: has the American political and social situation of the last years affected your decision to come back to Europe?
Thank you so much
I’m sure my post will be lost in the sea of excellent commentary, and (mostly) good discussion, but I wanted to make sure to write a thank you for this post.
Thank you, so, so much for this.
Words are usually easy for me. I write, I freely discuss my ideas and opinions, and I typically don’t struggle to find the words that I need to vocalize my thoughts. Yet, the “trump thing” has been utterly impossible for me to articulate fully. What you’ve composed here is a fucking balm to my soul. It’s the truth. And it’s inexpressibly validating to read it. Thank you.
Since the night of the election 4 years ago, I’ve had a sick ball of anxiety in my stomach. It’s my constant companion, and an incessant reminder that nothing is okay. Perhaps nothing ever will be okay again. The gnawing ache of anxious revulsion eventually gave way to an equally consistent, but less dramatic sense of disgust. Then anger. Now, I feel a bewildering mixture of emptiness and general hostility towards the state of the US.
My elderly parents are enthusiastic Trump supporters. As is my only sibling, his wife, and even their teenage son. They are anti-maskers, blast Fox News to the exclusion of literally any other form of entertainment or information, and blandly make racist comments in their day-to-day lives without any sense of self-awareness. I’ve struggled to understand them, to rationalize their behavior, and I’ve tried hard to focus on their other qualities. I finally realized a few months ago that I’m putting in an insane amount of emotional labor and effort to fabricate a respectable, lovable facsimile of the people that they could be from the wreckage of the people that they choose to be. It’s a waste of my time. They don’t care, and they are happy to be what they are. That’s their right. And, it’s my right to quit trying to respect them, or treat them with dignity that they don’t deserve. They aren’t trustworthy. They aren’t interested in respecting other people, and consequently, they don’t deserve respect themselves.
I’ve fantasized about programming their TV to eliminate Fox. Just to try and rescue some tiny part of their souls. It wouldn’t do much good. Their entire social circle shares the same elaborate sense of self-important pride in their support of trump. They somehow feel that they rule the world and represent the majority of “true patriots” in this country, while simultaneously claiming to be victims of censorship, unfair treatment, discrimination, and prejudice. The one thing that all trump supporters have in common is their shared sense of victimhood. Perhaps they are victims. Trump’s.
Arguing, debating, etc. are all wasted efforts on trump fans. As the old saying goes, you can’t logic someone out of an illogical opinion. Their support of him transgresses almost every tenet of a functional and free society. Yet, they don’t care because their support is due (at least in part) from the certainty that it pisses off people who actually do care. You can’t have a meaningful discussion with most trump supporters. Supporting him is indefensible, so the only alternative is to parrot conservative talk radio propaganda, push bizarre conspiracy theories, or shriek inanities.
So, I’m done. I’ve blocked or unfollowed nearly everyone who is a public supporter, and I’ve limited my contact with family who do the same. I hope that the election goes differently this time around, not because Harris and Biden are the people I want in the WH, but because I’d vote for almost anyone who isn’t a weapons-grade republican at this point. However, I’ve detected in myself a gradual sense of resignation that trump will win again. (Russia handed him one election, why not two?) Even if the dismantling of the postal service doesn’t undermine the ability of people to vote, ultimately, the winner of the election will spend the next 4 years in the America that trump and mitch mcconnell created. It’s a barely functioning country on the brink of financial catastrophe. It is, and will be, a crisis. But if trump loses, at least I’ll be able to read about all of the criminal charges he faces as cases are filed, and that will be nice.
I love your comment so much, Alison. A couple of sections that stood out to me:
“I finally realized a few months ago that I’m putting in an insane amount of emotional labor and effort to fabricate a respectable, lovable facsimile of the people that they could be from the wreckage of the people that they choose to be. It’s a waste of my time. They don’t care, and they are happy to be what they are. That’s their right.”
“They somehow feel that they rule the world and represent the majority of “true patriots” in this country, while simultaneously claiming to be victims of censorship, unfair treatment, discrimination, and prejudice.”
“As the old saying goes, you can’t logic someone out of an illogical opinion. Their support of him transgresses almost every tenet of a functional and free society. Yet, they don’t care because their support is due (at least in part) from the certainty that it pisses off people who actually do care.”
So good. I think about the winner/victim aspect a lot. It’s so strange. The day after the 2016 election, I wrote a blog post that was basically: Okay Trump supporters, you won. You’re on top. So it’s your job to pull everyone together; to be the bigger person; to be a magnanimous winner. And boy oh boy, they were furious at the suggestion. How dare I say they need to care about their fellow citizens? How dare I take their victimhood away?
As for Trump winning, when I imagine it, I realize I’m doing it to protect myself. It hurt so badly last time, and I don’t want to be emotionally caught off guard again. But I am actually hopeful. The midterms were joyful! There are so many more of us than there are Trump supporters. We can get out the vote again! It will require so much work and energy, but it’s doable!
I remember your post in 2016, as well as all the calls for liberals to step out of their “blue bubbles,” and it was all so infuriating! What about them stepping out of their “red bubbles”? They won, why didn’t they need to meet us in any middle ground??
Also, the irony of the victomhood mentality from the party of so-called “personal responsibility”…all of the eye rolls from me.
Alison, I love your comment. Absolutely yes to all of it.
Alison!! Your words SPEAK to me. I am screen shotting this. So good, lady. I really hear you.
Gabby, while your post touches on the hot button issues against Trump, it only scratches the surface of this regime. A regime that has almost completely rooted out all those who play by the rules, want what’s just, and believes in checks and balances. Those folks are nearly extinct, having been replaced by loyal zealots whose short sighted greed and hunger for power fuel their march.
Make no mistake, we are now living under ‘dictatorship-lite’ whose central goals revolve around domination, nationalism, white supremacy, fear, a heavy-handed police state, armed militias to assist, a favorable press or no press at all, an uneducated voter, and an insatiable thirst for power. Trump is also feeling the squeeze because if he is voted out he and many of those surrounding him will feel the strong arm of our judicial system. That terrifies him no end, especially if he is compromised by any of a number of foreign governments.
Thankfully we have a Democrat-led Congress that continues to severely weaken his legislative agenda and were even able to impeach him. That would not occur under Dictatorship. Similarly, the courts have repeatedly ruled against him — and he has not once contested those decisions. Moreover, Trump’s own executive branch has been investigating him for years and, as we all know, has sent several of his associates to jail.
Let’s also not forget that there are 53 Republicans and 47 Democrats (including two independents) in the Senate. The Democrats only need to gain 3 or 4 seats. If you are living in one of these heavily contested states your vote in November will be the biggest vote in your lifetime by far.
Trumps only play for the next 60+ days is to sew fear throughout Democratic run states. Trump and PR machine will be full throttle on poking the white suburbs on their basic need for self-preservation. The question remains, how many 50+ year-old white suburban women are going to fall for this heavily funded disinformation campaign, which is running 24/7? It’s a brand of hate and deceit that hasn’t been seen since the race riots. But now, it’s amplified in real time to millions.
The match was lit by Trump and this flame is shedding light on another hateful past — the history of Nazis holding rallies in left-wing areas of Weimar Germany, instigating street fights, and then telling the press that only they could save Germany from the “violent communists.” We should all look back at these disgusting parallels before we go to the voting box. It isn’t a coincidence folks. Trump is a sick man on the run.
YES GABBY! thank you for this post and for using your platform in this way. this is not politics as usual.
i have even had family members (liberal democrats) say we need to reach across the aisle or give Tr*mp supporting neighbors and friends a chance.
i am a brown woman, daughter of immigrants – he wants to deny the humanity of people like me. if you are my friend, how can you support a President who does that?
I’m seeing a lot of responses from MAGAs all saying you shouldn’t shun people for politics or a different point of view.
This isn’t that.
People should be shunned for racism. For mocking a disabled reporter. For believing this president who has lied 20,000 times during his presidency and has fomented division and hatred in this country. People who believe separating families at the border and keeping children in cages is okay! should be shunned and shamed and called out.
This isn’t a difference of opinion like “trickle down economics” or “we need a strong defense.”
This is a difference in ethics and morals.
Immoral people who support an immoral leader should be shunned.
Design Mom, this post was shared with a group called the Woolfers. It resonated so much with me. Thank you for explicitly creating a hard boundary. Much respect for your absolute clarity and unwillingness to pander to such a blatantly abusive and cultish administration. There are no shades of gray here.
It is heart-rending to experience family members in particular, who blindly support trump, equating him with the Republican party. The consequence is far less interaction with me, and what interaction is left is of the most shallow and superficial nature. They are convinced that I am brainwashed, and I feel the same towards them. It’s an American tragedy, and I hope we can rectify it on November 3 by VOTING.
Hi. Very long time reader here. Almost 8 years now. Maybe more. I have always respected you and I respect you even more now. I have been very vocal about why people shouldn’t vote for Trump, but you said everything and more. Thank you.
Gabby, and all you who have written comments, thank you. I’ve taken the weekend to think about and consider what you said, particularly because last week I felt such despair after talking to family members who do not personally like Trump but seem to be planning on voting for him. If these people, who I love and who are smart and are people of conscience, consider voting for Trump (who I believe to be evil), what does that portend for the future?
I honor what you’ve said and see the courage and even the love in what you say. Nonetheless, I come today with qualms and reservations regarding the strong and good voices I read here. Two thoughts.
1) Why? Why do so man considering embrace Trump, either enthusiastically or with their noses plugged? I am something of a structuralist and so I look to see what structures in society move people to support Trump (and the other strong men that are rising around the world). I believe this question foundational in counteracting the populists movements and the increased polarization that seem to be growing. When so many people try to find their answers in looking for strong men to “save” them, it is imperative to find out what they want to be saved from and figure out if there are ways to solve the problem they seek to solve in morally and ethically ways that do not trample on the rights of others. For example, it appears to me that many Trump supporters are part of a working middle class who have in the last half of the century had their jobs overturned by technology and also those who still have jobs but their real wages remain stagnant. This is a serious problem that Trump’s racism and xenophobia exploits by offering scapegoats. Identifying the structural problem and working on real solutions instead of the hate offers is critical to circumventing the ugly forms of populism emerging throughout the world.
2). My experience lends me to believe that peace building requires both moral courage and love. And this is where my discomfort comes in telling people I have lost respect for them. It feels like shaming. While shaming can push people to stop revealing their beliefs, it seems less effective in helping people to transform and become better. I refuse to give up my love for the people who embrace Trump. I will do everything I can to speak up courageously the way I see you all doing here and naming and fighting against the wrongs Trump and his followers practice. I will try to help my friends and family see that when Trump talks law and order, he deliberately appeals to racism. I will highlight how he cannot truly be for law and order because he constantly tramples on the rule of law and corrupts what he touches, including the Constitution. I will do this by listening to them til they feel heard. I will continue to listen to them til I find ways to build bridges to help them see and understand my point of view. I find this path difficult, but I won’t give up on them….because I do love them and because I believe love to be more persuasive than shaming.
I see the examples of bell hooks, Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., and John Lewis as calling people out on the wrongs they did/do, but also simultaneously inviting them to become “woke” and to become part of making the world more just.
Here’s to all of us joining together in finding multitudes of ways to make enough Good Trouble to make a good difference this November…and after. I say this sincerely, digging deep for hope.
I confess I’m confused by your comment, Cynthia. Your example in #1 is well known, and it’s why Democrats support the well thought out plans of people like Elizabeth Warren and Andrew Yang. The stagnant wages and job losses have affected everyone, not just Trump supporters. If economic anxiety is the issue, Trump has nothing to offer, but the Democrats are sincerely interested in economically improving lives — even the lives of people who don’t vote for them. And heck, the stock market consistently does better under Democrats than it does under Republicans — that’s a fact.
Of course, it’s been well-established that economic anxiety didn’t actually drive votes for Trump, racial anxiety did. Most white men, and too many white women, are reacting to pushes for racial equality, afraid they’re losing power.
But the more confusing thing to me is why some people read the post and their first concern is for Trump supporters. You seem convinced they are the victims, and they are convinced they are too. But for four years they’ve had the Senate, the Presidency, the Courts, and they had the House for two of those years too. They won. They cheated, sought Russia’s help, suppressed votes, gerrymandered, and won. So how are they the victims? How will they be less a victim and more a winner if Trump is elected again? If he wins, they won’t be magnanimous, they won’t want to help their fellow citizens, they will still claim victimhood and demand that we compromise and accommodate them.
To me, your comment feels so protective of them. I don’t get it. They are abusing my fellow citizens. They are abusing me. People are dying. Families are separated — at the border, and with travel bans. Huge amounts of jobs have been lost. The courts have been stuffed with unqualified right wing judges. The already weak safety nets in our country have been weakened further. Their actions hurt themselves too and they don’t care. Their primary goal seems to be to cause any non-Trump supporter pain.
They want normalcy for themselves, while wreaking chaos, pain and death on the bulk of the country. And you want to give them that normalcy.
Why is your first priority protecting the abusers? Why do these abusers never face consequences for their actions?
There is no invitation to a Trump supporter that would bring them to “woke”. I mean. Please tell me: What new information could be brought to light which would persuade a Trump supporter now? Literally nothing.
Maybe it’s time to study what happened to the families who split apart in the Civil War. And what happened to the German families who were all-in for Hitler. Did love bring them back? Did they ever see the error of their ways?
I wrote this post for the people who have been abused by Trump supporters for the last 5 years. They’ve told me it has offered them great relief, and great hope; that it has strengthened them. And I’m glad. My priority is the people who have been abused, not the abusers. The abusers can eat an entire bag of dicks, or fuck off into the sun for eternity.
To be clear, even “setting aside” the 25% of the country who are Trump supporters who will never be “brought to the light”, there are still plenty of people who can be engaged in tough conversations/debates about defunding the police, about prison abolishment, about gun reform, about universal basic income, etc.. It’s not like 25% of the country is Trump supporters and 75% of the country is highly progressive. The 75% holds a very wide variety of beliefs. That’s a worthy place to spend time. But the 25%, the Trump supporters, will play the victim no matter what happens, no matter what actions we take.
[My comment is way too long. I should just write a follow up post.]
Gabby,
Thanks so much for responding to my comment. Much appreciated.
I see that my post made it difficult understand my motivation. Let me try again.
First off, let me say, clearly, I am not trying to protect abusers, I recognize their privilege, and I want to puncture their victimhood. Rather than protecting, my intent is to figure out how to help abusers and Trump supporters find a better way (I see a continuum of kinds of people supporting Trump, and I wasn’t always sure from your post and the comments if people were writing about the whole continuum or one portion of those supporters that were the focus. Your response to my comments makes me think you focused on abusers).
I hold hope for the possibility of transformation because I once was a conservative who did not see my own white and class privilege. I appreciate so much the people who did not dismiss or lose respect for me even when I didn’t see well (as well as my conservative friends who today think I am misguided but still talk things through with me). Instead, key people listened to me with patience and asked probing questions. In particular, one teacher–Dr. David Roediger–made a huge difference. He assigned me to write a paper on whether class or race was more important in shaping American history. Words are inadequate in communicating how poorly I answered the question. I can look back and see that my paper made it clear that I did not understand. But instead of highlighting or shaming my ignorance, he exuded faith in my capacity to grow. It took me at least ten years of reading and studying and experiencing to figure out that CLEARLY racism trumps class interests in American history. Ten years. One reason I was willing to wrestle was because of the power of the question David asked. There was so much to dig through to understand both the nature of the question as well as seeking for answers.
So while I am not trying to defend or protect abusers, I also do not give up hope on people who do not see their privilege, who believe the Trump and Fox News propaganda, and those who through words and deed inflict violence on others.
I do not want not give up on believing that people have the capacity to change, because the stakes for not giving up are high. I think President Obama’s speech highlighted well that democracy itself as well as social justice are at stake. For these reasons, I find myself unwilling to disengage in the often-painful conversations with Trump supporters among my family and friends, most of whom are respectful in talking about our differences. I need to the listen to these people carefully because they can reveal to to me the contradictions and myopics I hold but don’t see.
Regarding abusers, I do not defend them but I also don’t want give up on them. I set boundaries, for sure–but such people are needed for making the world better, particularly in such polarized times. We need them to change.
What I want to do is figure out why so many are embracing such hateful beliefs and tactics (thus my earlier remarks on technology and the economy). This seems more helpful and more hopeful than my writing people off as ignorant or evil. This is not to say that I see choosing Trump as rational (i.e. choosing racism over class has always been irrational as well as hurtful). Instead, I believe coming to understand why such a choice is made allows me a larger window of action in becoming more effective in diminishing both the effectiveness of those hurtful tactics and also to see if there are ways to help people move to a place of less violence and abusive behavior.
The people I cited–bell hooks, Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., and John Lewis are people I seek inspiration and hope from (partly because I think they wouldn’t have written me off when I didn’t see). I think their good trouble is an invitation not only to those who already recognize racism–but their tactics also help suburban whites like me see not only the racism that existed in the South but also in my own heart. They looked for allies among the unconverted. I find that kind of love and courage transformative. Through their writings and actions, they gave made me feel safe in changing even when I felt like I was in territory that often seemed unfamiliar. I seek to personally find the kind of wisdom they offered and to be a part of that good work. But I am a slow learner (I don’t say this to dismiss my learning…I think most people take a long time to unlearn racism and a long time to learn how to love with courage). So I am on a journey to figure out how to see better myself and to also learn how to be effective in inviting change in others.
I take your post and the comments seriously. And I put my own remarks here to get feedback. Thank you so much for the time you took to reply to my earlier comments. They are helpful not only in giving me an opportunity to clarify but to also accept the challenge to think things through better.
And thank you for continuously putting yourself out there, writing with courage, Your blog and your insights give place and community for others to write and figure things out also.
Mahalo.
Cynthia
Cynthia, I think one of the main things we’re not connecting on is timing. You mentioned it taking 10 years for you to shift. I believe you. The election is in 2 months. You are not going to shift a diehard Trump supporter in two months. Not even an inch.
At some point the Trump reign of hell ends, and then time will go by, and of course, every Trump supporter will distance themselves from Trump, will distance themselves from Q and Deep State conspiracies. It’s like the caravans. They were obsessed with the caravans until the midterms, and then the caravans disappeared overnight! Never to be mentioned again. Q will also disappear. And in ten years, it’s true, maybe they will have shifted their opinions. Maybe in ten years, gay marriage will be such a long established fact that they won’t ever remember fighting it.
What if decent people set consequences for the die-hard Trump supporters in their lives for the next two months? What a relief for the decent people! What a relief to stop the abuse from now until the election! And if you aren’t feeling abused by Trump supporters, then this post was never aimed at you. But please be aware a huge portion of the populations is being abused by Trump supporters.
After the election, you can feel free to spend the next 10 years trying to win over the nazis with love and patience. Have fun. I’m not interested. If they want to know something different, if they want to act differently, they can choose to at any time; they have access to the same info that you and I have, and they are adults.
Hi Cynthia–I wanted to respond to just a bit of your comment. When you say, “I will try to help my friends and family see that when Trump talks law and order, he deliberately appeals to racism,” I don’t think you understand that for many people, this is a feature of Trump and not a bug. I’m a white Southerner and my family (and my husband’s family) are Southerners–and the vast majority are more or less enthusiastic Trump supporters. To a person, they would never use the n-word and never consider themselves racist. And yet I guarantee you they were all profoundly uncomfortable with having Obama as president, they refer to certain neighborhoods as louder/more violent (when what they mean is “have a higher percentage of people of color”), that kind of thing–we’re all fluent in the code words that white people use to say racist things without ACTUALLY coming out and saying them. Trump says the racist things a lot louder than my family is probably comfortable with…but that doesn’t mean that they don’t agree with him and won’t continue to support him BECAUSE of that. So you can listen to my family (and possibly yours) all day long, but that doesn’t mean that they, as white evangelical Christians, won’t continue to feel oppressed and victimized unless and until white people are in the demographic majority in the United States again. (Which won’t happen, which is why the GOP is turning to increasingly illegal means to stay in power.) And because Trump is capitalizing on that sense of oppression and victimization, they support him. My family, as much as I love them, are racist. And that’s why they support a racist president.
Thank you. I agree with your insight when you point out how fluent people are in getting the code words and that is a reason they embrace Trump. And this: “Trump says the racist things a lot louder than my family is probably comfortable with…but that doesn’t mean that they don’t agree with him and won’t continue to support him BECAUSE of that.” Totally get what you are saying.
It is your next sentence that I hope you are mistaken. “So you can listen to my family (and possibly yours) all day long, but that doesn’t mean that they, as white evangelical Christians, won’t continue to feel oppressed and victimized unless and until white people are in the demographic majority in the United States again.”
I think you are right that the days of white majority are over. But I so hope that the shift we see in some whites joining in support with Black Lives Matter suggests a real possibility for change. I believe many are listening and because they hear better than they did before the movementh, there seems to be a demographic shift in support for changing how policing is done and in diminishing institutional racism. Of course, a question remains of how deep and how lasting this change will be.
Your comment makes it seem like you’ve changed from the values of your family of origin. I would love to sit down with you and hear about that change.
I also agree that listening isn’t enough. It’s a start. And I think an important start to breaking down misplaced victimization.
.
Great post, Gabby. Thank you. I appreciate the framing of “consequences.” Some days it takes everything I have not to quit fighting for these people and just let them live with the consequences of their actions and choices because that’s probably the only way to get through to them. But then I think about the collateral damage and I keep going.