By Gabrielle. Photo of George H. Brimhall (see the P.S. for relevance).
A little warning, this post is really long. : )
On Valentine’s Day weekend we ended up throwing 3 parties. Maude had friends over on Friday night — a little “GALantine’s” gathering with a pretty dessert table and chick flicks. Then on Saturday night, Ralph went to “Mormon Prom” a formal dance for LDS high school kids in the Bay Area who are 16 years old or older. We made corsages for the girls, and after the dance, the kids came to our house to hang out and have rootbeer floats. Then on Sunday, we hosted a “Policeman Party” for our nephew’s 4th birthday. And since there was no school on Monday, we had a sleepover for 3 of the cousins. (Sometime, I need to tell you more about the policeman party. It was a cute one.)
At some point, I turned to Ben Blair and said, can you believe this? Two months ago it took everything in me to get a Christmas Tree, and this weekend we threw 3 parties and are ready for more! I’m doing so much better!
So this post is a mental health report. I’ve been very open over the past several months about the status of my brain, and I’ve received dozens of emails from readers wondering how I knew my head wasn’t working right, how I recognized when to go to the doctor, and how the medication was working. Obviously, everyone who has experienced a downturn in their mental health has their own story, but here’s mine, in case it helps.
It starts 12 years ago. In the summer of 2002, right about when baby Olive weaned, I crashed. It had been a hard year. On August 1st, 2001 we moved to New York with 2 year old Maude and 3 year old Ralph. Three weeks later, Olive was born (the day before Ralph’s 4th birthday). Three weeks after that, September 11th happened and the entire city plunged into a depression.
We moved to New York, far from our families, so Ben Blair could do his graduate work at Columbia and we were delighted to be there. But until we got there, I didn’t really understand how expensive it is to live in New York, and here we were, Ben in graduate school, and me home with 3 very young children and no design-clients in sight — the poorest we’d ever been. Ben’s parents were very generous and helped us stay afloat during the worst months. It was the first time I’d tried the stay-at-home-without-earning-an-income option, and unfortunately it wasn’t the right fit for me. Additionally, right about the time we moved to New York, my mother remarried. She married a wonderful man, and we adore him, but seeing your mother married to anyone who is not your father (or vice versa) takes some major getting used to.
So, it was a rough year. I honestly thought we were managing pretty well — we made great friends and took advantage of what the city had to offer as much as possible. But at about the 1 year mark after our move, just as I weaned baby Olive, our car broke down. An 83 Toyota Landcruiser. The fix was $800, and we flat out couldn’t do it. Apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My head just shut down.
It’s like my brain was paralyzed. I couldn’t make decisions. Even little ones. For example, my dear friend Megan lived downstairs and could see something was very wrong. So she came over to take me a movie and get me out of the house. I wasn’t opposed to a movie, but it involved so many decisions (Should I change my clothes? Where are my shoes? Do I need to brush my hair? Will I need to talk on the car ride? Should I stand up now and get my shoes now, or keep sitting for awhile?) that I couldn’t do it. I cried often.
This continued for several weeks getting worse and worse until all I wanted to do was die. I thought about death almost constantly, because imagining being dead was the only relief from feeling this awful that my head could conceive of. I very much wanted to die, but at the same time I could see that wouldn’t be fair to Ben, to leave him with 3 tiny kids. At some point I tried to explain to him in all seriousness that we needed to put the kids up for adoption, because then I would be free to die. In my head it made so much sense — a brilliant plan! Oh man. I remember the look on his face as I was explaining this to him — I had a moment of clarity and thought: Oh. I’m going crazy. Something is wrong with my brain.
Because I had grown up with my Aunt Mary Lu, I was familiar with what serious mental dysfunction looked like and if there was a way to avoid that life, I really didn’t want to become insane. My moment of clarity was a huge push for me to do everything possible to get better. But. There wasn’t actually much I could do. I didn’t even know what was wrong! And poor Ben, what was he to do? He had no idea what was wrong either. He was having to handle twice the responsibilities and was worried sick about his wife.
Luckily, a woman at church saw me and recognized what was happening. She told the leader of our congregation and he brought me Marie Osmond’s book about post-partum depression — wrapped in brown paper like it was contraband. He didn’t want to embarrass me. : ) He also told us if we needed to see a doctor, that our congregation had a fund that could help out with expenses. This was a huge relief because money was especially tight at the time.
I’m a fast reader and whipped through the book in an afternoon. I confess, it was not my favorite. But. At the end of the book there was a section by a doctor and it included a quiz to help you identify if you were depressed. I took the quiz and friends, I got an A++. I was depressed! This thing I was going through had a name! Suddenly there was hope!
The book said I should see a doctor to get a physical, and if needed, see a counselor. So I did. I still couldn’t really make decisions, so Ben Blair had to do most of it — the making of the appointment, the driving me there. And it all took time. My doctor’s appointment for the physical and basic checkup had a wait time of a couple of weeks. Then we waited for blood work. Everything on my physical checked out fine, so it was recommended that I see a counselor. Another 2 week wait for an appointment. The counselor sat with me for an hour and at the end told me I was depressed. I was so mad! I told her I already knew that and that’s why I was in her office. So frustrating! She told me I would need to see a psychiatrist so I could get a medication prescription. Ugh. I just knew that would be another 2 week wait!
By this time my head was even worse. I was trying so hard to get help and make the right appointments, but the whole process was quite ridiculous, and it was so new to us that we didn’t know how to navigate it well. I didn’t think I could wait another two weeks to see a psychiatrist. So. We called my brother-in-law Kevin. He’s married to Ben’s sister Jeanette and (tada!) is a psychiatrist. He lived far from us, but gave me an evaluation over the phone (side note: as you can imagine, it’s super fun to talk about your sex drive with your brother-in-law!), confirmed the depression and then shipped me a box of samples of a medication called Wellbutrin because he knew we couldn’t afford to buy medication.
I was told it would take 2 weeks before we knew if the Wellbutrin was working. At this point I had been sick for months, and known it was depression for about 5 weeks — the idea of having to wait two more weeks was so discouraging. What if it didn’t work? What if we needed a different medication? Ugh and more ugh!
But here’s the happy ending: two weeks went by, and one morning I woke up and was… normal. I didn’t want to die. I got dressed. I made a list of tasks and got through them. I ran errands. I had conversations. I didn’t cry for no particular reason. I wasn’t grinning all the time, or falsely happy, or overly happy. I was just my regular self.
It was awesome!! The Wellbutrin worked wonderfully for me, and I didn’t even notice any side effects. The best case scenario. I know what a blessing that is. Some people try for years to find the right medication or combination of medications. And some never quite find the perfect fit. Can you imagine how frustrating that must be?
In fact, one very clear memory from that time was realizing that my depression might be mild compared to others. The understanding came during the appointment with the counselor that I found so irritating. During our hour together she repeatedly assured me that how I was feeling wasn’t my fault. And I remember thinking: Duh. Of course it’s not my fault. Why would I ever choose this? But as I took the train home, it occurred to me that there were people out there who were experiencing what I was experiencing, but they felt guilt about it as well! Making it even worse!! And that broke my heart.
Even back then, a dozen years ago, I was very open about what I was going through, and many people told me that they thought it was probably related to weaning the baby. No doubt my hormones were at least partially out of whack, but honestly, I think it would have happened even without the weaning. It was just a particularly difficult time.
I took the Wellbutrin for about 3 months, until the samples ran out. By that time, I had found a full time job as a senior art director in an ad agency, and our life was very different. We had a decent income. I was being creative daily. I was getting out of the house. Life was good!
Cut to August 2013, a dozen years later.
A few weeks after the move to Oakland I could see I wasn’t doing well. I wasn’t depressed yet, but I could tell my head was pretty fragile. I tried to take it easy. I tried to get help around the house. I tried to eliminate all unnecessary tasks. But it didn’t really work. It was like this: I was dealing with something like 250% of my normal mental/physical workload, so I eliminated a bunch of stuff. But that basically took it down to 200% of my normal workload. Still way too much.
So we started looking for a doctor in case things got worse. I was open about seeking help. I was sure the process would be easier than the first time. But alas, it wasn’t! We called 15 doctors — and literally every single one had a message that they weren’t accepting new patients. Part of the problem was we weren’t desperate yet. After several rejections we’d take a break, and then I’d have a few good days and we’d forget about it. And then I’d have a horrible day and we’d try to track down a doctor again. We did this for weeks.
Eventually I realized I was once again desiring death, thinking about it all the time. Again, death was the only relief my head could find; the only scenario that offered peace to my broken brain. Like you might expect, the weird conversations happened again. I would have talks with Ben Blair about how my desire to die was a conscious, reasoned choice; that I’d experienced everything I want to experience. That he needed to let me die.
I realize that if you haven’t experienced anything like this before, the idea that I wanted to die might freak you out. But amazingly it’s actually quite normal for someone who is depressed. Isn’t that awful? And I should also note, that though I was desiring death almost all the time, I wasn’t specifically suicidal — meaning I wasn’t looking up ways to kill myself on the internet. Though I suppose that may have been the next phase. : (
Finally, in October we found an available psychiatrist and set an appointment — with a 2 week wait as usual. I went to the appointment and told her what was happening and that I thought I should probably take Wellbutrin. She talked to me for an hour and a half and then told me I needed to take Wellbutrin. I confess, I was once again very irritated because I felt like I was jumping through unnecessary hoops, but I was also simply relieved that I was finally getting help — and a prescription.
We filled the prescription and what do you know? Two weeks later I was feeling pretty fantastic. And by fantastic I mean normal.
I take half a pill each day. The doctor recommended that I ease my body onto the medication by taking just half a pill for the first few days. At that point, I tried a full pill and felt really funny so went back to half and stayed there. I take the medication at night before I go to bed. It works. I know it doesn’t work for everybody, but it works for me.
Friends, this post is not a call for sympathy. I mean it. I am doing great! I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been, and really, truly, compared to many people with mental illness, I have it easy as pie. If I’m ever in a bad way again and can’t seem to get help, I’ll be sure to share. But for now, I’m feeling wonderful. I’m back to my productive self and knocking out projects right and left. It feels great!
A bit of Q&A:
Q. Between the first episode and the episode 12 years apart, did I have depression?
A. Sometimes. But just for a few days. The neural path that was burned in my head during the first depression was apparently burned deep. And anytime I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed — say the week before I put on Alt Summit — I’ll find myself yearning to be dead in a mild way (if there is such a thing). But then it goes away when the stress disappears.
A few different times over those dozen years I had conversations with Ben Blair where I would basically give a heads up: Hey. I might need to see a doctor. My heads a little off. So we would be on the watch and start looking into doctors, but then a couple days later I would be fine again, and we’d forget about the doctor hunt.
Q. How long will I be on medication?
A. Who knows? Possibly forever. I feel no side effects, so I’m not in a big hurry to get off of it. For many reasons, this transition (from France to Oakland) has hit me particularly hard. We’re 7 months into the move, and I’m just now feeling like myself. I need some time to catch up on life. Right now my guess is I’ll be taking the medicine for a year minimum, but again, I’m not in a hurry to get off it. I’m just grateful it works! What a blessing.
Q. Is it always that hard to get medical help if you’re suffering from depression?
A. My assumption is a giant NO. I think I just don’t know what I’m doing. In both of my cases I had recently moved and didn’t have a family doctor yet. I assume getting help is much smoother and faster if you already have a medical team in place. I also wonder if I could have gotten help quicker in an emergency room situation. I honestly don’t know. Having gone through this twice, I’m still perplexed at how to make the process more efficient. I’m sure there’s someone out there that knows exactly how to go about getting help in the fastest way possible, but I’m not that person.
If I think about it too long, I get angry. It shouldn’t be this hard to get help. Depression is extremely common, and there is known medication that works. It should be so straightforward to get medical aid. I’m doubly compassionate for those going through this that don’t have financial, family, church or social networks as support.
——
Okay, Friends, if you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal! That was a looong report.
And now it’s your turn. How has mental health (or lack of it) touched your life? Perhaps you’ve had an experience that is very similar or completely different from mine? Do you feel like you would recognize it if you needed to see a doctor? If you did think you needed help, would you know how/where to find it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
P.S. — The image at top is George H. Brimhall. He is Ben Blair’s great, great grandfather. He was the president of a university, but also suffered from depression and eventually committed suicide. I think it’s important to remember that mental illness can take many forms, and just because someone is highly functional, doesn’t mean they aren’t susceptible to depression.
Thank you for sharing your story! One of my best friends committed suicide, and my brother has attempted to do so 3 times in the last year. Depression is something that I wish people would be more open about, because I feel like there is a stigma and shame to it that does not need to be there, and makes it harder for people to seek help. I’m so glad that you are feeling better and your medication is helping you be the best you. This touched my heart and helped me through a difficult time.
Thank you for telling your story. There have been times in my life when I felt the way you did but I never sought help. Somehow I just muddled through. I hope in the future, if depression finds me, I will recognize the symptoms and seek help as you have. Wishing you continued good mental health!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My mother suffers from depression that was do crippling after a life altering event that she came to live with my husband and I. We tried several different medications and psychs and finally are in a good place. She is now more social and had been gradually coming back out of her shell. As a nurse it is so hard to find good and decent medical care for psych patients without fear of stigma. There should never be a stigma for trying to seek good health mental and/ or physical. My mother was terrified for others to find out she was talking to a “crazy doctor” or she had to stay at the “nut house” for a time. It took time to convince her there was nothing to be ashamed of at all. So stories like yours are amazing for others to read and share. Thank you, so much!!!
Beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing, Gabrielle. So happy you feel better. Didn’t know Brimhall had been depressed. Thank you for that. Oh the good old Brimhall Building. And the saying, “Never judge anyone, for everyone is fighting a hard battle.” Thank you for your honesty. Much love from your old digs, NYC! <3
Thank you for sharing your (very private) experience Gabrielle. I have been following your blog for several years but I have never commented. It is encouraging to hear that amazing, creative, busy women like you can also feel burnt out! I feel that, at least this is the case for me and a few other working moms I know, women nowadays have to be super-heroes. Most of us work and still have to fulfill the role of a 50’s housewife concerning chores, child-rearing, cooking, etc… There are times I can’t get out of bed for just another day of working and running around! But this is encouraging!
Thank you for this, and for being so honest and open with your readers. I always love reading your blog (LOVE the public school posts lately!) but this post was especially meaningful.
Thank you for this post. I am glad you found the help you needed and the medication that worked. I am sorry that it took so long to get an appointment and treatment. I am a nurse practitioner in internal medicine and I deal with this daily. I always tell my reluctant patients, that it is the “healthy ” people who admit that they need help and are willing to give a try with medications which have helped so many people. I always say , “What do you have to lose to try this medication?”
Thanks for being open about this so others may feel that they can turn to us for help.
Wow, I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your honesty. I had postpartum depression with my first son and when I think back, I can’t believe how hard it was. I so remember the niggling decisions I simply could not make ~ your post brought it all right back. I did go on medication and actually have continued on and off (I’m on right now) because it seems like depression is just in my bailiwick. I hope to be as honest and forthcoming as you to share my story. Kudos to you Gabrielle for being so upfront about this — I’ve hoped for a follow up to your last few posts and am delighted you are doing well! And I hope things continue to get better and better!
Your story touched me so much, especially since it is similar to my own. Last summer after my fifth baby was born, my best friend moved away and my husband was working every available minute to finish his PhD. I just felt like someone had shoveled me into a black hole. I felt crushed beneath the weight of despair and self-loathing. I was fortunate in that the first antidepressant I tried was a good fit, and it made me realize that I had been depressed for years. It was so novel and exciting to have the mental energy to think about doing the kind of creative things that I’d given up even though they used to bring me so much joy. Right now I’m weaning off my meds, and it is pretty scary. I have been training for a marathon (I have used running as self-medication for years!) as my big goal to help me push through this time…I will run it right around the time I take my last few pills.
I too have struggled with depression on and off over the years. And you’re right, it really is that difficult to get help. Plus it’s pretty costly because most insurance plans don’t cover the cost of seeing a psychiatrist. I only go once a month now because it’s $200 an hour and my insurance won’t cover me to see the dr I like. And we all know it’s important to see the psychiatrist you like or you’ll never move forward and get better. The really sad part is for poor people. Which unfortunately is why we have all these school shootings, etc. People are ill and either can’t get help or can’t afford help. And that’s not even considering the stigma attached to it. Oy vey!!!! I wish we all just had functioning brains!
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ve suffered many years with the same challenge. (No one ever has the exact same experience, but you know what I mean.) As a 64 year old woman, there weren’t many options when I was younger. Add to that being an LDS woman who heard cures like, “whenever I feel down I sing a Primary song.” Feeling like a flat cardboard cutout of myself and obsessing about how much better off my husband and four children without me, I had to find help. I found my solution. Prozac. I’ve been happy, functioning well and grateful. My husband and two of my children have been helped with medication too. It breaks my heart you’ve had to go through all this, especially with all the selfless, wonderful things you do. I’m so glad you’re feeling better. Along with a bazillion other people, love you and love your blog.
It is difficultly complicated to get mental health care in a timely fashion. I and one of my teen sons can attest. It took death to get health for me. Thank you for your story.
I’m currently going through post partum depression (currently on my happy pills, so feeling ‘normal’ again). Reading your post made me so so so mad. I had forgotten how hard it was to get help. There was a five week period where I was in limbo. My OB kept telling me to see a psychiatrist who wasn’t covered by insurance, but it was a long wait to get in. Then I was told I’d also needed to get into a therapist and here’s a list of 20 people to call – no clue who takes what insurance. And in talking with a friend who had been to a therapist, there seemed to be a lot of importance given to your relationship with the therapist. In my state, I would just cry thinking about just wanting help and not wanting to interview people. Like you said, it felt like too many hoops. And just like you, I’d have a better day, and stop making the calls to get help, and then 2 – 3 days later it was so much worse and I had made zero progress on getting help. I can’t tell you how many times I cried at my husband and best friend that it shouldn’t be this hard for someone to get help. Because, a person who is depressed is probably in the least likely place to be able to patiently and consistently stay on top of things.
I’ve also been surprised at how open I’ve been about it. I’ve received lots of comments about how it’s great that I’ve lost all the baby weight and look great. I gently tell them that it’s really not that great because it’s all due to depression. I feel like the people in my life don’t talk about post partum depression, and I figure if I can plant the seeds out there that I’m going through it, it might help someone else start a conversation.
Thank you for writing this. Truly thank you.
I feel so many things after reading this post.
Three weeks ago I lost my mother-in-law to suicide (she did get to the phase of looking up how to kill herself on the Internet– I’m so glad you didn’t). She had a long history of mental illness that was exacerbated by the post-partum depression she had after giving birth to my husband — my father-in-law said she was never the same after my husband was born — it was like her brain just broke and mental illness was still so stigmatized she didn’t seek help (or have the opportunity to seek help) for a long, long time.
She was heavily medicated, but it’d been years since the combination of drugs she was taking was working, and she struggled to find the words to describe what she was going through. None of us knew the pain she was in — none of us knew that she was considering death and would ultimately end her own life until a note was found and we began a fruitless search that ended badly.
I am grateful you were able to recognize your thoughts were symptoms of a malfunctioning brain, and you were able to share that information, and you had the strength to navigate the system, and the medication you take works for you.
And I am grateful that you shared your story because, though your stories and endings are different, I feel like I understand my mother-in-law’s decision a bit better now, and some peace has washed over me. Thank you.
Thanks Gaby for this post, it’s one of the reasons we come back, your honesty and the great way of writing about real things. Look at the awesome comments you have! Positive, enriching, supportive comments of a great community!
Thank you for sharing. It helps all of us! What a blessing.
Thank you for this eloquent and honest post. I wish you continued awesome days. I, too, have suffered with depression several times in my adulthood — all of them dealt with for several months before I finally realized “holy cow! I’m depressed!!” It’s like your subconscious decides it’s best not to make the connection. Getting help in a timely manner can be one of the most difficult components of the disease, and then you must wait for the meds to kick in! I’m glad you found a medication on the first try that helps. When I tried Wellbutrin, well, let’s just say it conflicted with my body chemistry. I think people who haven’t (thankfully) experienced depression and those new to it need to understand that every single person will have a different experience with the myriad of medications — what works for you, dear Design Mom, almost made me take the next step to planning my death. But, I made it through thanks to the wonderful primary care doctor, psychiatric nurse practitioners and psychiatrists of current and past. There were several other medical professionals in my past that I wouldn’t recommend (NOT to mention subpar therapists). This is also difficult, as for many with insurance and definitely those without coverage, the task of paying for “interviewing” therapists and doctors is too expensive! Plus, the effort of finding/interviewing/attending appointments can be exhausting and overwhelming. Your post and its honesty help assure those living with depression or loving those with depression realize the added difficulties associated withe depression. Thank you for the honesty. I’ve been very honest to the women in my moms’ group and friends, and I’ve had at least four women contact me in tears because they remembered me being forthcoming and knew I could help direct them to get help. Depression can be so lonely and overwhelming. Thank you for making it less so. Much love to you and your family. Continued strength and sunny days!! xoxo
I echo all the comments that you are brave and courageous for using this platform to share your personal story. You can tell from the comments how beneficial it is to hear this perspective. I am curious if your kids (the older ones, or maybe their school friends) read your blog and how they feel about the ‘seeking-death-soothing-thought-pattern’? Probably none of my business. Just curious about the effects on them, if they experience effects from postings. One of the things that keeps me from sharing online is the thought in the back of my head that someday my kids might read this.
Pingback: Friday Gratitude: What's Good Right Now | Sweet and SavoringSweet and Savoring
Thanks for this post. I can’t really write about how despondent I am over bi-polar disease taking over my grown son’s life and destroying his life with his wife and five children, but you’ve at least allowed me to cry which hadn’t happened until now. The bureaucracy of getting mental health care for a low-income family is appalling and frustrating beyond belief.
I don’t comment often, but I read regularly. You’re so brave to post all of this. It’s incredibly valuable and I hope it inspires more of the same. I had much delayed post-partum after I weaned my son and it was so long after giving birth that I wasn’t expecting it. Thank you for sharing.
Gabby, I have always admired your ability to communicate, but this post was proof positive of that real gift. I saw on instagram a while back that you were posting something on this topic. I sat today (while I had time to really read) and was so thankful you shared! You are remarkable to me! You married so well, but together you two make such a strong couple and family. Thank you for such an insightful post and honest dialogue about mental health.
Thank you for being so open about your mental health. Our society needs to be open about it- and not just postpartum depression but depression for men, women, and children. It is a very real illness and I find myself so frustrated by those who, on a regular basis, consider themselves “depressed” when they are feeling blue or having a rough week or month. Depression is debilitating and doesn’t get better. It isn’t disappointment, grief, or even mourning. It’s different and it affects not only you but your closest loved ones as well. Just two weeks ago, I was sitting in a Sunday School lesson where Elder Holland’s talk on mental illness was (supposed to be) discussed. It was all very cliche. (What do you do when your friends are down? Bake them a cake. What can we do when we are feeling “depressed”? Read our scriptures, pray…) I made a point to bring up that fact that mental illness is very, very real and it is not something that can just go away with the most fervent prayers and especially not a cake! We need this to be out there. Those everyday feelings of being overwhelmed and down are not depression. It’s crippling. It’s all consuming. It’s lasting.
My husband’s depression started showing itself while we were in college but really hit hard after graduation. We moved across the country and had our first baby. I was young and far from family and needed his support but he wasn’t able to give it. Even though I was never diagnosed with postpartum depression, the overwhelming feelings and lack of support really made me feel like I was heading that way. He was one who felt like it was his fault. It wasn’t until another move and another baby that I was able to convince him to see a doctor and get on medication. Like you, Wellbutrin was his first try and it worked. I had my husband back and we were really able to heal our marriage and family. I’m so grateful that it worked and he experienced no side effects.
That being said, he has now been on Wellbutrin for about 5 or 6 years. He has attempted to “wean” off of the meds a couple of times but never made it very long and quickly started back up again. He has been assured by his doctor that he could safely take Wellbutrin forever. However, there have been interesting side effects that are popping up lately. For example, tinnitus, arthritis, gum disease, and just a general feeling of being unwell. He is currently on week 3 of his most successful weaning yet and we are hoping that with some dietary changes and holistic options, he could possibly be done with the Wellbutrin. I’m so grateful it was there when he needed it (and that it has helped you so much, too). How hard it would be to not be able to find a good fit and to suffer through the deepness of mental illness without that hope. After all these years, my husband is still not comfortable talking about his mental illness. Only some close family knows- none of our friends or co-workers
Thank you for doing your part and using your influence to bring it out of hiding and helping us see that it really is nothing to be ashamed of.
Thank you so much for sharing this. This is almost exactly my experience after having both of my girls. I am so grateful you were so open about it. I am not as brave yet. I especially understand how you need to be creative and out of the house every day to truly feel normal, even when you have kids. You are not alone!
Wow. I thought I was the only one who felt not suicidal but rather that death was the only releif from the pain. Reading this blog post and subsequent comments I am no longer so ashamed for having these thoughts and I am inspired. For the first time in my life I am starting to think maybe I won’t always end up feeling like death is the only way out…thank you!!!!!
I’ve definitely been through the ebbs & flows of depression and think my emotions have become that much stronger since having children. I SO love and cherish my kids, but I believe that sleep deprivation was a huge negative impact in those early years of constant wake-ups, for both me and my husband. It clouded all of our days with the feeling of impatience, irritability and desperation at not being able to handle it all. For my husband, the added insomnia didn’t help the vicious cycle either! Reaching out to friends and family definitely helped us lighten the load – after acknowledging we had hit a breaking point and couldn’t do it by ourselves.
As everyone before me has already done, I applaud you for sharing the nitty gritty of what you’ve been through these many years. Best wishes for continued happy days. All any of us deserve, is to feel content and at peace with ourselves.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I read your post this morning, and I’ve been thinking about it all day.
My experience is from the other side – as a daughter of a mother with depression. Hers was brought on by tamoxifen, after breast cancer, and ended once she was off of the medication. She remembers how horrific she felt, and hopeless, and dark. She felt (and told me regularly) that we’d all be better off if she died. But, mercifully, she doesn’t remember what she said to us, and how for those few years she couldn’t love us. But I remember. While I know that she was ill, and was not in control of her feelings (I’ve suffered from mild depression at times, so get just a glimpse of it), it still, even if irrationally, hurt to know that we were unloved and found wanting.
She’s made it clear to me ever since that I am loved, and that she thinks that I’m wonderful, and I’m so grateful for that. But there’s a part of me that’s still working to trust her (well, her brain chemicals) again.
I’m sorry if this adds to the burden of those of you who suffer this illness. Just remember to hug your children on the good days, and tell them you love them, and listen to them. It’s scary when your mother changes, and it’s hard for a child not to take responsibility for that change.
Gabrielle, thank you for this post. Wishing you all the best!
This post was particularly touching to me. I wish more people could talk about mental health the way you did. My older sister has dealt with bipolar disorder since she was sixteen, and it has been heartbreaking. She’s so misunderstood. When she is depressed, many people simply leave her to crawl into her shell. When she swings to the manic end, many treat her badly because her unusual behavior turns them off. I know they don’t understand–and I know they would feel bad if they did–but it’s still painful to watch it happen. If only everyone could be as open and understanding of mental health issues as they were of other health issues. Thank you for encouraging an open dialogue and for proving that mental health issues do not, in any way, equal a lesser human being.
Wow. I’m right there with you. I’ve struggled with depression most of my life since my teen years, although I had no idea that was what it was in my late twenty’s. When I finally discovered Wellbutrin, it was amazing and exactly how you described. I felt normal- like myself. It was like – I rediscovered the words “I CAN!” My husband and I call it my miracle pill. I do have to say there is a difference between the generic and brand name. I prefer the generic brands, but you have to see what works best for you. Like you said there are no bad side affects, in fact only a good one for me – decreased appetite. Thank you for sharing your struggle I know a lot of women and men who struggle with depession but are too embarrassed to admit it. I commend your honestly and heart for your readers.
Thank you for your honesty. I know that I have definitely experienced depression and I’ve been offered medication by my primary doctor(s), but I’ve never been satisfied by their response and feel as though they are pushing meds on me before even giving me a proper referral to a therapist. After having my daughter I was under the gray cloud again and could not shake it off! I finally broke down in tears and told my husband that I felt something was wrong. I emailed my dr, but the second she offered me a prescription for a low dose of Prozac I seriously shuddered from the idea. I talked myself out of it and came up with my own plan to get out from under the gray cloud (basically by getting out of the house and being more social). Honestly, I wouldn’t recommend this because now in hindsight I think it’s ridiculous that I was ashamed or scared to take psychiatric medications (especially when I still experience extreme highs and extreme lows). Therefore I applaud you for being more open about it. Do you think motherhood is the breaking point? It is interesting that woman who tend to have emotional instabilities tend to get hit hard after becoming a mom. I still feel the shame and I notice that anything of this sort is still taboo for play date mommy conversation. If we cannot talk about to our fellow moms…then who? I guess a therapist….
Lendy, I agree wholeheartedly, and understand the feeling of highs and lows. I often feel like my emotional balance is strongly tied to how smooth things are going with the kids. I wrote a comment just a few before you, about how sleep deprivation was a huge difficulty for us after having kids. Besides that though, I do believe kids put an enormous stress on parents and can truly test our emotional resilience. (And I say that with the utmost love for them). I just finished the book All Joy and No Fun, about how children impact various aspects of our lives as moms and dads, especially in modern times with changing expectations of all those roles. It wasn’t anything all that earth-shattering, but validated the sometimes challenging experience of parenthood.
Oh, if only I had the time and energy to tell you my whole story. Short version: I’ve fought depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 14 (I’m 44 now). I’ve gone through several major depressions. I’ve been in therapy for 7 or 8 years off and on. I’ve tried many medications and none has worked for me; some have made things much worse. I live in Utah County. For me, it was a six week wait to see someone. Luckily, I did have a primary care doctor to help until I could get in. I also have a couple of friends who are therapists. Without them, I would probably not be here. One was my bishop at the time my world fell apart completely. He saved my life and my marriage. God knows what He’s doing when He puts certain people in our lives at certain times.
I still have no medication that helps, but I’ve found other strategies. And I can sense when things are taking a bad turn earlier than I used to. And I know better what’s likely to make things worse and can avoid them sometimes.
Other times I don’t see it coming until I’m fully engulfed in the darkness. Those times I wrap up in the darkness like a warm snuggly blanket. Those times get scary. I just came out of the darkest time of my life ever about a month ago. It was bad enough that it scared me even while I was in it. And everyone around me, including my husband, children, friends, therapist, doctor, and bishop (who suggested hospitalization).
I am doing much better now. But I know it will come again because it’s part of me. I’ve finally come to accept that and not feel like a failure because of it.
Thank you for sharing your story. It matters so much!
I love your blog. And especially this post, I really needed it! I am one of those people that feels guilt for having depression, and then trys to convince myself that I don’t need the medication, that I can just work through it. This was a boost a relief to read! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I am so grateful for your honesty, and even more grateful for your health!!!
Thanking God for both.
Thanks for sharing so much of your mental health history, I think it is so important that mental health issues receive the understanding and compassion as other illnesses. So cool that you moved to Oakland, too! We also live here, I hope you are enjoying your new home.
I’m not trying to hate, so please don’t take this post as a negative, but more skeptic how both times when you had a bout with depression the drug just worked in “poof” 2 weeks. I have new tried 27 different drugs and still get can’t it right. My fiance, has been on medicine for 2 years and can not overcome is suicidal depression. I’m so grateful that you found medicine that helped you get out of your funk. Was there any other medicines that you tried? Had you been consistantly going to therapy? HOw long do you take the medicine before you go off of it again? Thansk!
This post meant so much to me. Your description of thinking about death is so spot on.
I wanted to comment about finding a doctor and getting help. I have found that almost any doctor including a family physician or internist will prescribe an antidepressant, especially if you already know that Wellbutrin works for you. Anytime you find yourself in a pinch, make an appointment with the closest possible family physician who will take an appointment. Think of it like getting on penicillin. Then you can start the process of finding a psychiatrist if you need more in-depth analysis or medication consultation.
Be well, Gabrielle. I’ll be thinking of you. Depression is horrible. Sunny days are ahead.
Xoxo
THANK YOU again for sharing. I’ve been through very similar experiences and your story does bring me strength and comfort. Funny thing is, I am a mental health clinician and know all to well about depression and anxiety but these illnesses do not discriminate. I initially thought the winters made my symptoms worse but now am pretty confident it was major life transitions (such as your own) that fueled the fire. For me, the scary thing about depression (and also anxiety) is how valid and true our irrational thoughts are at the time. It’s like “No, this really is how life is. How do you mean it’s because of the depression?” I ran a group once and a client said something that stuck with me: “Just because you think something doesn’t mean it is true.” I now use his wisdom to help others. I did have an ah-hah moment when I met with my psychiatrist. I was going on a rant about what a horrible place earth is and how I didn’t see the point in living and she replied, “Wow, you really are depressed.” What helped was I trusted her and her perspective and she was able to call me out and think, even for one second, that my thoughts may be distorted. Finding treatment can be hard and even when you do find a professional, the relationship may not be the right match. I’m fortunate to have good providers but do think about others who finally have the courage to ask for help and then walk away feeling the treatment doesn’t work when it’s really that they don’t connect with their provider. I’m hoping for positive changes made to our mental health system to decrease stigma and increase access. Sharing your story helps so much. THANK YOU!
PS: For people who are skeptical of the medications… Depression is often a biological matter so YES, medications stabilizing chemicals in the brain can and do work that fast. For others, depending on their specific situation, medication helps a great deal but they also need talk therapy. To each his own.
Pingback: This made more sense when I was unconscious. | The Bloggess
Thank you for this. And another thank you to Jenny Lawson for posting the link to your page.
Your words couldn’t have come at a better time for me. I wouldn’t wish this horrible storm to hover over anyone, but to know that I am not the only one brings about the little voice in my mind that says, “Keep pushing forward” as you have/are doing and THAT helps me tremendously.
Great post! I suffered with post-partum depression for 2 years before I finally got help. It was so sad and so hard. I couldn’t make any decisions. I couldn’t even make the decision to get to the doctor. When I finally did, I got on a prescription and felt like a million bucks for the first time in years. I quit the job I hated and started pursuing the career I wanted. My advice is to talk to people. They will help you!!!!!!!
Yes, yes, yes! Honestly, if it had not been for my dogs, forcing me to get up every day last summer, I would have just slept my life away. Everything was so hard and took far more energy than I had. I didn’t want to kill myself, I just didn’t care if I died, and with my medical issues not receiving the proper attention, that was a very real possibility. Thankfully, Wellbutrin came into my life, along with a sun lamp and I am better now. The moods still come, settling on my shoulders like a suffocating blanket, but I can usually spot them and get ahead of them.
Wow … to hear that your brother-in-law went to Wellbutrin as a first choice is … startling. Usually it’s a third or fourth choice after other things with fewer risks haven’t worked.
I don’t argue that it’s ineffective. I take Wellbutrin myself. 300 mg daily of the XR, and I used to be on 450 mg (as high as you can go without hitting serious toxicity). But I didn’t get to it until my psych had first tried me on Prozac (godawful side effects), Paxil (ditto), Lexapro (more of the same), and Norpramin (failed to work at all). So to hear of a psych saying “yeah, gonna go there right away” is, to me, unusual.
Ahhh, yeah! This is wonderful. Thanks to everyone who has shared. A new favorite site for me is bringchange2mind.org. Lots of information for everyone. Click on “Get Help” for a thoughtful list of resources.
As I have worked and struggled to manage a loved one’s mental illness and necessary care over the past year, I always feel better when I remember two things:
1. “Keep asking for help, and keep asking questions.”
Don’t stop until you get the help and the answers you need. If you don’t feel you have the right answers, say “wait a minute,” say “I’m not sure,” or say “NO,” and ask again. Don’t hold back or be shy when your (or a loved one’s) well-being is at stake.
2. “You can’t argue with illness.” Don’t spend a lot of time arguing, blaming, avoiding, or obsessing over mental illness. It doesn’t help to argue with someone who is suffering, listen to them.
Hi Gabrielle,
I am so grateful for your writing about this. I have been in therapy all of my adult life and only just “finished” about two years ago. I feel lucky(?) that in my family there was no stigma about seeing a therapist because everyone saw a therapist—but the down side of this is that we all needed to see a therapist! I held off on getting medication until about 8 years ago and swore that I would not stay with it because I felt certain I could “beat it” talking with my therapist, but in fact, once I started a low dose, I really felt better–less anxious, less depressed—and I realized finally, that I have a chemical imbalance that simply requires some medication! Once I got over that, I felt so much better.
I am so happy that you are figuring out some solutions. One thing I would say about finding a therapist is that finding a really good one is EVERYTHING, and every time I have moved I have been faced with this challenge and the key has been to get a referral from a really good therapist. If they are not accepting new patients, you need to pursue them and ask them to give you some names of people they respect in the field. I started psychoanalysis with a younger Harvard med school graduate student, who worked with me for 14 years. We both matured and learned together, but he was excellent from the beginning. If you find a doctor with excellent credentials who is mature in the field, they are likely to mentor lots of younger doctors who are earlier in their careers and looking for new patients. Or, they can refer you to colleagues who are equally experienced who are still open to new patients. This referral system is very important and really the best way to find a great fit. And you should never feel you have to stick with someone who does not feel like a good fit—even if they feel scarce–they are out there!!
Anyway, hope this helps. It was hard to make time to see an analyst with young kids and work, but I cannot say how valuable it has been to my happiness and by extension–everyone else in my family!
Well written, informative and no I don’t think it was a call for sympathy at all. And as to your question regarding whether you would have received timely treatment had you shown up in the Emergency room? From my own experience, I can say ‘no’! When I showed up with my infant daughter they told me to go home and talk to my husband when he got home from work. Then I called a mental hospital and they told me to call my doctor.
Like yourself, I’m infuriated at the hoops one has to jump through to receive help. I used to pray for cancer because I felt the treatment plan would be cut and dry and sans stigma.
Pingback: Monday Mash-Up #6 | All In Good Time
Thank you for the post and being so very honest. I know how you feel and honestly even with a health care team in place it can feel hopeless when the meds don’t seem to work. Mine started as situational depression while my husband was 2 years into active duty deployment after 9/11. I have a baby girl just before he left and 2 years in I just wasn’t functioning. Meds worked and I got better and weened off but 2 years later, 1 month into being pregnant for the second time and the depression came back fierce. I couldn’t leave the house because the idea of even dropping my daughter at daycare was too many people for me to deal with. I have been off and on the meds but as my doc told me the last time sometimes staying on them after several relapsis is a good thing and nothing to be ashamed about. He was right and now the only problem is when it doesn’t seem to be enough anymore.
The thought I have is when I get overly frustrated and snap a lot then it is time to have the talk…. I can handle a lot but I am not superwoman no matter how I try. Hang in there and thank you again. It always helps to know you are not alone.
thanks so much for having the courage to share so openly and honestly.