By Gabrielle. Photo of George H. Brimhall (see the P.S. for relevance).
A little warning, this post is really long. : )
On Valentine’s Day weekend we ended up throwing 3 parties. Maude had friends over on Friday night — a little “GALantine’s” gathering with a pretty dessert table and chick flicks. Then on Saturday night, Ralph went to “Mormon Prom” a formal dance for LDS high school kids in the Bay Area who are 16 years old or older. We made corsages for the girls, and after the dance, the kids came to our house to hang out and have rootbeer floats. Then on Sunday, we hosted a “Policeman Party” for our nephew’s 4th birthday. And since there was no school on Monday, we had a sleepover for 3 of the cousins. (Sometime, I need to tell you more about the policeman party. It was a cute one.)
At some point, I turned to Ben Blair and said, can you believe this? Two months ago it took everything in me to get a Christmas Tree, and this weekend we threw 3 parties and are ready for more! I’m doing so much better!
So this post is a mental health report. I’ve been very open over the past several months about the status of my brain, and I’ve received dozens of emails from readers wondering how I knew my head wasn’t working right, how I recognized when to go to the doctor, and how the medication was working. Obviously, everyone who has experienced a downturn in their mental health has their own story, but here’s mine, in case it helps.
It starts 12 years ago. In the summer of 2002, right about when baby Olive weaned, I crashed. It had been a hard year. On August 1st, 2001 we moved to New York with 2 year old Maude and 3 year old Ralph. Three weeks later, Olive was born (the day before Ralph’s 4th birthday). Three weeks after that, September 11th happened and the entire city plunged into a depression.
We moved to New York, far from our families, so Ben Blair could do his graduate work at Columbia and we were delighted to be there. But until we got there, I didn’t really understand how expensive it is to live in New York, and here we were, Ben in graduate school, and me home with 3 very young children and no design-clients in sight — the poorest we’d ever been. Ben’s parents were very generous and helped us stay afloat during the worst months. It was the first time I’d tried the stay-at-home-without-earning-an-income option, and unfortunately it wasn’t the right fit for me. Additionally, right about the time we moved to New York, my mother remarried. She married a wonderful man, and we adore him, but seeing your mother married to anyone who is not your father (or vice versa) takes some major getting used to.
So, it was a rough year. I honestly thought we were managing pretty well — we made great friends and took advantage of what the city had to offer as much as possible. But at about the 1 year mark after our move, just as I weaned baby Olive, our car broke down. An 83 Toyota Landcruiser. The fix was $800, and we flat out couldn’t do it. Apparently, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. My head just shut down.
It’s like my brain was paralyzed. I couldn’t make decisions. Even little ones. For example, my dear friend Megan lived downstairs and could see something was very wrong. So she came over to take me a movie and get me out of the house. I wasn’t opposed to a movie, but it involved so many decisions (Should I change my clothes? Where are my shoes? Do I need to brush my hair? Will I need to talk on the car ride? Should I stand up now and get my shoes now, or keep sitting for awhile?) that I couldn’t do it. I cried often.
This continued for several weeks getting worse and worse until all I wanted to do was die. I thought about death almost constantly, because imagining being dead was the only relief from feeling this awful that my head could conceive of. I very much wanted to die, but at the same time I could see that wouldn’t be fair to Ben, to leave him with 3 tiny kids. At some point I tried to explain to him in all seriousness that we needed to put the kids up for adoption, because then I would be free to die. In my head it made so much sense — a brilliant plan! Oh man. I remember the look on his face as I was explaining this to him — I had a moment of clarity and thought: Oh. I’m going crazy. Something is wrong with my brain.
Because I had grown up with my Aunt Mary Lu, I was familiar with what serious mental dysfunction looked like and if there was a way to avoid that life, I really didn’t want to become insane. My moment of clarity was a huge push for me to do everything possible to get better. But. There wasn’t actually much I could do. I didn’t even know what was wrong! And poor Ben, what was he to do? He had no idea what was wrong either. He was having to handle twice the responsibilities and was worried sick about his wife.
Luckily, a woman at church saw me and recognized what was happening. She told the leader of our congregation and he brought me Marie Osmond’s book about post-partum depression — wrapped in brown paper like it was contraband. He didn’t want to embarrass me. : ) He also told us if we needed to see a doctor, that our congregation had a fund that could help out with expenses. This was a huge relief because money was especially tight at the time.
I’m a fast reader and whipped through the book in an afternoon. I confess, it was not my favorite. But. At the end of the book there was a section by a doctor and it included a quiz to help you identify if you were depressed. I took the quiz and friends, I got an A++. I was depressed! This thing I was going through had a name! Suddenly there was hope!
The book said I should see a doctor to get a physical, and if needed, see a counselor. So I did. I still couldn’t really make decisions, so Ben Blair had to do most of it — the making of the appointment, the driving me there. And it all took time. My doctor’s appointment for the physical and basic checkup had a wait time of a couple of weeks. Then we waited for blood work. Everything on my physical checked out fine, so it was recommended that I see a counselor. Another 2 week wait for an appointment. The counselor sat with me for an hour and at the end told me I was depressed. I was so mad! I told her I already knew that and that’s why I was in her office. So frustrating! She told me I would need to see a psychiatrist so I could get a medication prescription. Ugh. I just knew that would be another 2 week wait!
By this time my head was even worse. I was trying so hard to get help and make the right appointments, but the whole process was quite ridiculous, and it was so new to us that we didn’t know how to navigate it well. I didn’t think I could wait another two weeks to see a psychiatrist. So. We called my brother-in-law Kevin. He’s married to Ben’s sister Jeanette and (tada!) is a psychiatrist. He lived far from us, but gave me an evaluation over the phone (side note: as you can imagine, it’s super fun to talk about your sex drive with your brother-in-law!), confirmed the depression and then shipped me a box of samples of a medication called Wellbutrin because he knew we couldn’t afford to buy medication.
I was told it would take 2 weeks before we knew if the Wellbutrin was working. At this point I had been sick for months, and known it was depression for about 5 weeks — the idea of having to wait two more weeks was so discouraging. What if it didn’t work? What if we needed a different medication? Ugh and more ugh!
But here’s the happy ending: two weeks went by, and one morning I woke up and was… normal. I didn’t want to die. I got dressed. I made a list of tasks and got through them. I ran errands. I had conversations. I didn’t cry for no particular reason. I wasn’t grinning all the time, or falsely happy, or overly happy. I was just my regular self.
It was awesome!! The Wellbutrin worked wonderfully for me, and I didn’t even notice any side effects. The best case scenario. I know what a blessing that is. Some people try for years to find the right medication or combination of medications. And some never quite find the perfect fit. Can you imagine how frustrating that must be?
In fact, one very clear memory from that time was realizing that my depression might be mild compared to others. The understanding came during the appointment with the counselor that I found so irritating. During our hour together she repeatedly assured me that how I was feeling wasn’t my fault. And I remember thinking: Duh. Of course it’s not my fault. Why would I ever choose this? But as I took the train home, it occurred to me that there were people out there who were experiencing what I was experiencing, but they felt guilt about it as well! Making it even worse!! And that broke my heart.
Even back then, a dozen years ago, I was very open about what I was going through, and many people told me that they thought it was probably related to weaning the baby. No doubt my hormones were at least partially out of whack, but honestly, I think it would have happened even without the weaning. It was just a particularly difficult time.
I took the Wellbutrin for about 3 months, until the samples ran out. By that time, I had found a full time job as a senior art director in an ad agency, and our life was very different. We had a decent income. I was being creative daily. I was getting out of the house. Life was good!
Cut to August 2013, a dozen years later.
A few weeks after the move to Oakland I could see I wasn’t doing well. I wasn’t depressed yet, but I could tell my head was pretty fragile. I tried to take it easy. I tried to get help around the house. I tried to eliminate all unnecessary tasks. But it didn’t really work. It was like this: I was dealing with something like 250% of my normal mental/physical workload, so I eliminated a bunch of stuff. But that basically took it down to 200% of my normal workload. Still way too much.
So we started looking for a doctor in case things got worse. I was open about seeking help. I was sure the process would be easier than the first time. But alas, it wasn’t! We called 15 doctors — and literally every single one had a message that they weren’t accepting new patients. Part of the problem was we weren’t desperate yet. After several rejections we’d take a break, and then I’d have a few good days and we’d forget about it. And then I’d have a horrible day and we’d try to track down a doctor again. We did this for weeks.
Eventually I realized I was once again desiring death, thinking about it all the time. Again, death was the only relief my head could find; the only scenario that offered peace to my broken brain. Like you might expect, the weird conversations happened again. I would have talks with Ben Blair about how my desire to die was a conscious, reasoned choice; that I’d experienced everything I want to experience. That he needed to let me die.
I realize that if you haven’t experienced anything like this before, the idea that I wanted to die might freak you out. But amazingly it’s actually quite normal for someone who is depressed. Isn’t that awful? And I should also note, that though I was desiring death almost all the time, I wasn’t specifically suicidal — meaning I wasn’t looking up ways to kill myself on the internet. Though I suppose that may have been the next phase. : (
Finally, in October we found an available psychiatrist and set an appointment — with a 2 week wait as usual. I went to the appointment and told her what was happening and that I thought I should probably take Wellbutrin. She talked to me for an hour and a half and then told me I needed to take Wellbutrin. I confess, I was once again very irritated because I felt like I was jumping through unnecessary hoops, but I was also simply relieved that I was finally getting help — and a prescription.
We filled the prescription and what do you know? Two weeks later I was feeling pretty fantastic. And by fantastic I mean normal.
I take half a pill each day. The doctor recommended that I ease my body onto the medication by taking just half a pill for the first few days. At that point, I tried a full pill and felt really funny so went back to half and stayed there. I take the medication at night before I go to bed. It works. I know it doesn’t work for everybody, but it works for me.
Friends, this post is not a call for sympathy. I mean it. I am doing great! I’m as healthy as I’ve ever been, and really, truly, compared to many people with mental illness, I have it easy as pie. If I’m ever in a bad way again and can’t seem to get help, I’ll be sure to share. But for now, I’m feeling wonderful. I’m back to my productive self and knocking out projects right and left. It feels great!
A bit of Q&A:
Q. Between the first episode and the episode 12 years apart, did I have depression?
A. Sometimes. But just for a few days. The neural path that was burned in my head during the first depression was apparently burned deep. And anytime I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed — say the week before I put on Alt Summit — I’ll find myself yearning to be dead in a mild way (if there is such a thing). But then it goes away when the stress disappears.
A few different times over those dozen years I had conversations with Ben Blair where I would basically give a heads up: Hey. I might need to see a doctor. My heads a little off. So we would be on the watch and start looking into doctors, but then a couple days later I would be fine again, and we’d forget about the doctor hunt.
Q. How long will I be on medication?
A. Who knows? Possibly forever. I feel no side effects, so I’m not in a big hurry to get off of it. For many reasons, this transition (from France to Oakland) has hit me particularly hard. We’re 7 months into the move, and I’m just now feeling like myself. I need some time to catch up on life. Right now my guess is I’ll be taking the medicine for a year minimum, but again, I’m not in a hurry to get off it. I’m just grateful it works! What a blessing.
Q. Is it always that hard to get medical help if you’re suffering from depression?
A. My assumption is a giant NO. I think I just don’t know what I’m doing. In both of my cases I had recently moved and didn’t have a family doctor yet. I assume getting help is much smoother and faster if you already have a medical team in place. I also wonder if I could have gotten help quicker in an emergency room situation. I honestly don’t know. Having gone through this twice, I’m still perplexed at how to make the process more efficient. I’m sure there’s someone out there that knows exactly how to go about getting help in the fastest way possible, but I’m not that person.
If I think about it too long, I get angry. It shouldn’t be this hard to get help. Depression is extremely common, and there is known medication that works. It should be so straightforward to get medical aid. I’m doubly compassionate for those going through this that don’t have financial, family, church or social networks as support.
——
Okay, Friends, if you’ve made it this far, you deserve a medal! That was a looong report.
And now it’s your turn. How has mental health (or lack of it) touched your life? Perhaps you’ve had an experience that is very similar or completely different from mine? Do you feel like you would recognize it if you needed to see a doctor? If you did think you needed help, would you know how/where to find it? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
P.S. — The image at top is George H. Brimhall. He is Ben Blair’s great, great grandfather. He was the president of a university, but also suffered from depression and eventually committed suicide. I think it’s important to remember that mental illness can take many forms, and just because someone is highly functional, doesn’t mean they aren’t susceptible to depression.
Thank you for sharing your story thus far – I will soon be blogging about my own mental health struggle. I started taking Zoloft about 6 weeks ago after realizing that the heart-racing anxiety and near-constant annoyance with everything in life wasn’t a normal way to live or a normal way to respond to stress. Thankfully I now feel normal, back to my old self and I’m sad that I spent so long not feeling like her.
My brother died by suicide 4 years ago, he was 27. I appreciate you talking about this candidly as someone who has never had suicidal feelings, it’s a really hard concept to grasp. But it’s so common and I think it’s unfortunate that we do not have more of an open dialogue about these types of feelings, maybe people like my brother would feel like they were not so alone and without hope:)
You are so right…I had terrible postpartum depression after my daughter was born, and then we were thrown right into 9-11 where we lost a family member…I started coming around in 2003 and at the beginning of 2004 my mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer…we lost her after less than a year from finding out and my heart broke for every single second afterwards but I was able to function…I even made a new close friend, and 2 years ago when my daughter and I were betrayed by that friend in a horrible way I started a downward spiral and developed suicidal tendencies…being a private person and the one people usually go to for solutions I didn’t share this experience with anyone, even my husband, until it was too late…but once I hit that bottom and let people in to help me we were able to get on the right track…with medicine and therapy I have come a long way in the past 6 months…although at this time I am feeling not as strong as I had been feeling, since my resources are in place this time I know that it may be a med change or therapy step up that is necessary…I wish you continued success with your struggle :)
I’ve read over this post a few times in the last few days. I so appreciate your openness, and am so glad you’re doing well and have a strategy for recovery in place when you need it!
A friend told me today about this post, so I looked it up. I have struggled on and off over the years with mental health, some times medicated, sometimes not. Unfortunately while medication has provided some help, it hasn’t removed it for me. Last winter, while struggling again, I decided to work up the courage to a call a psychiatrist’s office that a friend found very helpful. They were not taking new patients and their colleague had a three month waiting list. For some reason, pursuing help is hard for me. If I was confident that medicine would help and be a game-changer, I’d feel differently. Though our experiences differ, I really appreciate you sharing yours.
What an amazing post, Gabrielle. I applaud you for your honesty, as I know it can’t be easy. I am SO happy to hear you are doing so well! Seriously, I wouldn’t wish depression on my worst enemy (I don’t actually have any worst enemies, but you know what I mean :) I have suffered from severe anxiety and depression in my life and always feel so deeply concerned and empathetic towards anyone who is going through it. I am great now but, it is something I will have to always keep on top of in my life. Thank you for sharing your story, it is an amazing thing….what folks are quietly suffering with sometimes. Isn’t it? You are amazing, hun.
xo
Melissa
(I didn’t read all the comments – I’m supposed to working right now!!)
I have suffered from depression and taken medication 3 times now. Each time, my family doctor was GREAT and very supportive. I was worried about relying on the medication too much and not trying to work on the factors that were leading to the depression, and she was so supportive and reasonable.
I have found that if I’m seeing the edge of the cliff, I can back away by getting sun on my face/eyes, having sex, eating dark chocolate, getting more sleep, getting more exercise, and praying/meditating. My midwife gave me these tips and they have worked so well for me. I also try to ignore the feelings a little, to tell myself they aren’t reality, etc., and just go calmly about my normal life. I know that some people would say this is suppression, and it probably is unhealthy for some personalities, but I am a high-strung person, so I tend to magnify problems and obsess.
Dear Gabrielle,
Thank-you for sharing your story. I was diagnosed with an extreme thyroid problem last year, and one of the side effects was depression. I remember waking up in the morning and the first thought that came to my mind was how I was going to get throught the day with my four kids.
Now that I am on Thyroid medication, I am doing really great, life seems easy, uncomplicated and very exciting. I try to share my story with other people as much as I can, not to get pity, but to encourage women and mothers to look after themselves and get regular check-ups.
xxx
Mariana
Thank you, thank you, thank you – your post resonated with me on SO MANY levels – I really appreciate your honesty – you will have helped a lot of women with your words and given a lot of people a sense of relief that they are not alone – THANKS!
Your post is amazing. Thanks so much for putting it all together.
Six years ago, I contracted viral meningitis. When the virus found the old scar tissue from a head injury I experienced when I was 9 years old, my brain went really haywire. I could slide from euphoria to dark depression in minutes and getting ‘out’ of depression was the hardest. My neurologist recommended that I take a vitamin B complex (50 or 100) and fish oil. The difference was startling and long lasting. I often suggest this to friends doing a lot of brain work – weather in depression or post-brain injury. It appears to be a safe way to ‘feed’ a brain that needs some help. Good luck to you as you continue on the road to good mental health!
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing this. Honestly, I have often wondered what is wrong with me when other people seem to do similar things and not have it affect them as it affects me. I have followed along with your international move with 6 kids and just felt so inadequate when we have moved 3 times (internationally) in the last 7 years (with only 2 kids) and I have felt very overwhelmed at times when my depression has threatened to drown me. I just thought there was something so wrong with me that I couldn’t just enjoy the experience when other people (like you) could move, and thrive!, and love their new country!, and be productive!, and be perfect parents! So, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for being honest. Plus, all these comments make me feel not as alone so thank you for providing this safe place for people to share.
Last night I found myself watching the clock wishing it would get to 8pm so I could go to bed at an acceptable time. It wasn’t that there wasn’t anything to do or that I was tired, I just wanted to avoid it all and everyone.
I enjoyed reading your post!
I am a 20-year-old girl from Bulgaria. I know how it feels not to know what is going on in your head. I am not sure if I am dealing with depression right now. But I know that I can get very confused. Sometimes my confusion makes me wonder if I am going crazy. But then doubt kicks in. And I always wonder if it is just a normal period of a young person’s life to feel this way, is it because I “think too much rather than just act and enjoy life,” is it my personality and upbringing – all of these reasons someone had suggested or my mind made up during the years.
I do not like insecurity. I do not like worrying so much about the people that surround me. I hate the fear of just being with people and the fear of what they think about me. And it makes me hopeless to realize how illogical that is and that people are not really that scary, that they also struggle just like I do…but it just doesn’t last. Normal behavior, calm and soothed mind don’t last for me. I slip into this anxiety again and again not knowing why I do it or is it me that chooses to do it.
Thank you for sharing this. Even though depression is common it’s as common to feel shame and admit when you’re suffering from it. Those who carry guilt believe that they have a weak spirit and should be able to shake it off. The phrase “Happiness is a Choice” angers me, because it puts unfair responsibility on the person who is suffering by implying that they can in an instant decide to be happy. Perhaps the phrase should be “Seeking Happiness is a Choice” it’s not as snappy, but those who suffer need to know that they are only responsible for seeking their own happiness by asking for help. After years of barely clinging to my sanity even with therapy and meds, my attitude seemed to change in an instant. I suddenly stopped caring about the opinions of about 90% of the people in my life and just like that the lightness came.
While I slip back into the void every now and then I know now to let go of the guilt and shame and when to ask for help. Thanks for listening to me ramble.
Gabrielle,
Your post was insightful, to say the least. I have struggled with depression in my immediate family, my extended family and within myself.
Growing up, I had always been aware of the effects that depression can have upon a family. My extended family had been shaken by my cousin’s depression-driven suicide.
My wonderful, supportive mother has struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. My mom is amazing in so many ways; she has always been my brother’s biggest fan and mine. We were always aware of the depression, whether or not we knew what to call it. In our house, the depression flocculated. My mother would be going strong for a year or two and then hit a rough patch. Regardless of how rough it got, she persevered for the sake of our family.
At the appropriate age, my mom began disclosing the mental health of our family. It began with minimal depth, but the open atmosphere fostered questions from my brother and I. She was adamant that my brother and I have to be aware of our family history and tendencies, so that we can ask for help if we need. Among the many gifts that my mother has bestowed on me, this open line of communication has helped me more than she may realize.
As I got older, beginning late in junior high school, I started to notice less-than-desirable qualities manifesting in my behavior. Behaviors that seemed so familiar. When I started high school, it only got worse. I wanted to be alone; I wanted to cry (and was crying) constantly; I had no appetite and I was in a perpetual state of self-pity. However, the open lines of communication pushed me to seek help.
This led to an entirely new experience. My experience was much like yours: different doctors, different medications, delays, delays and delays. Throughout high school I was on a string of different medications, higher doses, smaller doses…it seemed to be constantly changing. I would go to the doctor monthly, sought a psychiatrist and a psychologist. By the time I reached my senior year of high school, I had come to my own conclusion. Depression felt comforting. I was tired. I was tired of the medications, the barrage of different prescriptions because it wasn’t working after 6 months, the weight gain, the sickness and the side effects—all of it.
I was unhappy, and for a variety of reasons. Fortunately, I found solace in my education. An interesting parallel because I abhorred the hierarchy of high school teenagers. School was my least favorite place to be, yet my most comforting activity. It was not until I graduated junior college that I began to truly sort myself out.
After my senior year of high school I began to take fewer medications. I was still being treated for anxiety, but had made a personal decision to go without the daily depression medication. Initially, I faced skepticism and worry from my mom, but convinced her that I knew what I was doing. When in all reality—I had no idea, aside from a strange sense of calm and trust within myself. I was tired of numbing myself; feeling stifled in my creativity and tired of feeling lost. So I began meditating and practicing yoga, making a conscious decision to focus on myself. I can now proudly say that I am medication free. I am happier than I have ever felt in my life.
Depression has taught me so much. As a 21 year old female, I feel like I have a much greater appreciation for myself and for life. What works for one individual, does not always work for the many. Each person has his or her own path and their own experience. Depression had been my experience, and it has not been an easy road. I also know that depression is a reality that I will have to face throughout my life as a result of my biology and my family’s hereditary chemical imbalance. However I am incredibly thankful for the experience, especially so early on in life. Compassion, even in its most minuscule form, can make a world of difference.
Thank you for sharing your experience with us.
I know I need to make an appointment, but the process seems so daunting. That’s sweet that Ben helped make appointments and get you to them. My husband barely acknowledged my cry for help when I told him I may be depressed and may need to see someone. Luckily, death is not on my mind(My mom commit suicide and left four little girls with my Dad. Not something I would EVER do.). I just don’t have the motivation with three kids at home to do it myself, find time and babysitters, money, experiment with meds, etc. Maybe this post is just what I need to get going on it. So thanks.
This post touched my heart Gabrielle, it’s the first time I’ve been to your blog and i saw this post which made me want to read on. I’ve had severe anxiety for the last 10 years off and on and over the past three months it’s been off the charts, making me feel and think all sorts of worries.
I worry about my health and the people close to me so much that i haven’t realized what I’ve been doing to myself. I just started seeing a counselor recently, I don’t know if it’s helping yet but it’s the first time I’ve been able to ask for help, even my closest friends or my parents know how truly bad it is. I quit my job, which i’m lying to others about, have no income at the moment but all i’m concentrating on is me for now.
People that express themselves in the way you have make others feel so much better. I’m glad to hear you are doing well now.
I’ll heap one more thank you onto this thread. As this comment thread attests people receive tremendous benefit from empathy and shared experience. I felt compelled to respond because I am a psychiatrist and I practice in the Bay Area. In a very busy acute care setting. I have the inside track and many colleagues and even I have a hard time finding outpatient psychiatrists to refer my patients too! There are a multitude of reasons for this but to answer one of your questions… it is highly unlikely that you would have received treatment any quicker in an ER setting. Neither ER doctors nor ER psychiatrists prescribe antidepressants for patients to take as outpatients mainly because we cannot follow them over time to see that they improve. On the other hand this is one reason that I highly recommend all my healthy non doctor going friends have a primary care physician. Granted you had just moved and had not had a chance to establish care but had you had the chance and with your history of great response to Wellbutrin in the past your PCP would have been able to prescribe the medication and then referred you to a Psychiatrist only if the treatment failed and you needed further evaluation. Again thank you for your candor and most of all your amazing design aesthetic. Your blog brightens even my gloomiest days!
Hi…I got here through The Bloggess’ page, and I want to thank you for being brave and sharing with the world. I have been on Wellbutrin and Zoloft for several years and while it has helped tremendously, I still have days where I think about death because it seems like the only way to ever have peace.
This past year, at 41, it dawned on me that I was probably in peri-menopause. I wonder if that’s affecting you too, Gabrielle? Once I started reading about some of the symptoms – insomnia & fatigue, memory problems, migranes, dry, itchy skin, pms symptoms including breast tenderness – and more – I was able to connect the dots for things that were going on for me. There can ble years of symptoms before your period stops and actual menopause occurs. I am still in the process of researching what approach I want to take, but the addition of certain supplements has helped and I may do some natural hormone replacement (though I do mostly plan to let nature do it’s thing & adjust accordingly). The Wisdom of Menopause by Christiane Northdrup should be on the reading list for all 40+ year old women!
First off, thank you for your post and honesty! It takes a lot for someone to admit they have (an incredibly common) brain disease. I wish the stigma would disappear. We should not have to hide the fact that, sometimes, we are just not okay. It is not a bum hip or a wound that is bleeding AGAIN–it is invisible but just as frustrating and debilitating.
My favorite part of this is how you speak about wanting to be dead. It is perfectly phrased. I have often just not wanted to exist anymore. I have spoken to my Boy and said “no, I think I’m done. I am full of life and don’t need anymore.” Oddly, the one time I did try to commit suicide I did not have that feeling.
I am on happy pills too and they help me loads. I can identify, classify, and deconstruct my feels a lot better. It should not be hard to get help. It is, but it shouldn’t be. I will probably never be without medication, but that is a tiny price to pay in order to stay away from the “I’m full on life.” feelings.
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I have experienced severe depression and anxiety for years and realize I will need to take medication for the rest of my life. With those challenges, I have accomplished much, although I need to get adequate rest and eliminate as much stress as I possibly can. I have found mindfulness (meditation) VERY helpful and wish that I had learned about it years ago.
Well done. I see that other commenters have mentioned that a GP or an OB/GYN should be able to just prescribe you something. That’s what baffled me about it–it seems like doctors prescribe “happy pills” like candy, and I think any one you go to would be able to do that; you shouldn’t have to go to a “head doctor.” I’m sure that if one of yours kids had a bad cough, you should be able to get into some sort of a Physician’s Assistant or some such person on a same-day basis (though medical rules are different in different states, obviously), to prescribe them something; I would think you could do the same for a mental health emergency. It’s not my place to say that, but you did ask.
You are brave to put this out here. People need to speak up more about their depression. I’m amazed at the number of successful, “normal-seeming” people who have confessed they have undergone depression or other mental issues. There should never be a stigma about it.
It’s beyond uncool to plug your own blog in a comment, but, since you asked if people have similar experiences, I must add that I wrote (re-blogged, actually, something I’d originally written 10 years ago) about my “Old Friend”, the same day you blogged this. It’s not a race, but as you say, I feel that a lot of depressed people have it worse off than I do, and that saddens me. I know some that have been helped immensely with drugs, and others who have run the gamut of nearly every anti-depressant there is, and still suffer. I couldn’t imagine. Anyway, I sometimes blame my (mild) depression on one thing and one thing only, but it starts from there, I think, from not having a significant other to bounce conversation off of on a regular basis. I know every marriage isn’t great, but some mates can be very supportive. Sounds like yours is.
I imagine you have thought of this, but if you move again, a family doctor and a psychiatrist or someone should be on the list of plans for the new location, just as a place to live and lights, water, trash, internet, and tv are.
Sorry about the unwanted advice; I just get on a roll sometimes. Actually it sounds like (now) you’re carrying on quite well without any advice at all.
I too suffer from depression and anxiety and have for over 20 years. My daughter was diagnosed with OCD in third grade. If someone could post my email to Andrea who is suffering with her childx’s diagnosis, I would like to offer her some information I have learned. Thank you.
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Thank you for sharing, sometimes I get depressed too. Glad that you are doing better. It seems that you have a great support system.
My husband has mental health issues. Mostly it is depression and anger. He refuses to seek help. When he was young and diagnosed with ADHD, he was put on medication. His mother didn’t like the way he acted on the medication, so she took him off it without consulting with his doctor, then shopped around for other psychiatrists, until she found one who diagnosed him as “mentally and emotionally unstable”. He was institutionalized for 3 years.
He doesn’t seem to see how much his issues negatively affect our family – myself, our 6 year old, my teen from a previous relationship. Sometimes I worry that I will come home and find he’s hurt our child. When I talk to him about it, he gets defensive, “So you want me to talk to some quack?” Then he gets angry at me.
So many words I understand. The way you speak of “desiring death” but not being suicidal…
I’m so sorry you have this struggle. I am so grateful for this post. I’m still on my medication 2.5 years later but I feel normal and it’s not something I’m willing to give up.
I adore you.
I have chronic major depression. So does my just-14 year old son. We are gingerly working through medication for him, a real concern at this stage of brain development. My medication works most of the time, barring hormonal fluctuations from peri menopause.
Life has really really been beating us up this year. We’re just easing out of a long desperate, often suicidal phase for him. Thank god we seem to have sorted out the right meds. He has a 504 plan at school to shield him from crippling, nearly deadly anxiety. In the past 2 weeks, 5 of his 7 eight-grade teachers have shamed him for not getting homework in on time, although he is not required (by the legally protective 504) to do any homework. I am so furious and scared and upset that they could “forget” he was born with mild brain damage and risk his mental health and self-esteem because he isn’t living up to their expectations. The shaming and inappropriate notes a teacher wrote on his assignment made the vice principal cringe — such incredible fire power for a lawsuit against the school. The current CYA cultural/professional culture means that the school will circle the wagons to protect themselves, instead of trying to help us/him out. Apologies, kindness, and diligence would take care of the problem, but they will probably retreat into cold professionalism instead.
And for those who care… His brain damage and our mutual depression is due to tick-borne bacterial infections, screw-shaped bacteria that can drill holes into and within your brain. He was born with it. I’ve had it 25 years. We so deserve Winners badges and parades, but we get judged and shunned instead. It isn’t much comfort that we are part of the leading edge of an epidemic and that in a decade or so the general public will become aware how common this is, and what a serious mental health impact it can have. Advice: whenever you are bitten by a tick, get at least 2 weeks of antibiotics ASAP. If you don’t get treated within the first year, you may never be able to get rid of it. It can utterly destroy you, forever.
I’ve dealt with this too, had depression on and off since being a teen. I’m fine now and not taking meds any more. I expect that it will pop up again some day in the future. Mostly it’s knowing what to watch out for. I understand your words about your head feeling funny. I tend to ruminate in my head, and focus incessantly over and over and over again on the same negative thing. Which is usually really stupid stuff that on a normal day I wouldn’t give a second thought to! But it gets stuck in there and it’s like I “think myself down” into a depression. Major life stresses do set it off. I’m really glad you’ve found a solution!! Medications really do work!
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I can’t believe I’m just catching up on this now. I love you and you only get more amazing in my eyes the more I get to know you. xo
I am so grateful to have stumbled on this post. Thank you for your honesty. I’ve gone through depression many times (postpartum and anxiety). Thank you for sharing your heart!
thank you for sharing your story. i think it’s so helpful to important to be open, like you describe. and i know it isn’t easy. i am just recovering from a bout with post partum and was unable to share adequately for so long. i really appreciate your candor. thank you.
I appreciate this post and all of the people who have commented on it. I struggle with chronic major depression along with an anxiety disorder, and I am so so glad to see that so many people have been helped with medication. I’ve tried a dozen medications and am currently taking five or six but haven’t found the right combination yet. However, seeing that so many people have been helped renews my hope. Thank you.
Thank you for this post. It resonated with me. Very strongly. To know that you recognized this and were able to do something about it. It. It gives me hope. Some days are better than others. Many are not. And being an expat is a huge huge huge weight on the mind. I’ve come to the conclusion that you need a very strong Type A personality to thrive as an expat. I am not one of those. I just want to thank you for a post that made me feel…not so insane…not so ridiculous….not so….alone.
I have depression too that I discovered when I had post partum depression. And unfortunately I’ve had quite a few episodes where it got bad enough that I needed to be hospitalized. And every time it’s been harder to find a Dr than it was for you. I have no insurance, I’m a single mom and I can’t afford regular meds. Fortunately, I take a multi vitamin that’s designed for mental health that I can afford. And I do yoga. Is not the greatest but it works until I can afford meds. Most of the time, I’ve noticed from people I talk to its actually much harder to get into a Dr than just 2 weeks. Especially if you fall into the gap between being able to afford insurance or being able to qualify for Medicaid. It’s a huge gap.
I’m not sure where you live, but some larger cities have free clinics (I know Mpls does) where you can go for therapy. These are generally run by volunteer mental health professionals and students. As a single mom though, I know how hard it can be to find child care to attend appointments like that, and they are not widely available outside of large cities. The three things that have been shown to help people with depression and anxiety (aside from meds and therapy) and 1) exercise; 2) journaling; and 3) practicing gratitude. For 3) making a list of 5 things you are thankful for each night before bed is a simple practice that works well. I hope practicing yoga is helping improve your mood too. Take care!
Hello Gabrielle,
I just stumbled on your blog today and I’m so glad I did. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with depression which, as you say, is very common and very seldom spoken about. I am a psychologist with my own experiences with depression.
As far as how to access mental health care, in Minnesota, where I work, the easiest and quickest option is to see your family doctor. They can prescribe antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication, and are usually happy to do so. For those who are seeking help, know that antidepressants can take 4-6 weeks to start working, so be patient. Anti-anxiety medications typically work more quickly, depending on the type. If you are feeling suicidal or having a panic attack (it will feel like a heart attack), go to the ER and you will get help there. But after these initial steps, please seek therapy, as this can improve symptoms just as much if not more than medication, making long-term medication use unnecessary in many mild to moderate cases.
Also, psychiatrists often take weeks to months for a first visit, so I often suggest people make an appointment after they have starting taking medication prescribed by their family doctor. Psychiatrists are specifically trained in mental health medication, and are much better suited to treat mental health problems than a family doctor is. There just aren’t enough of them in the US to get a quick appointment!
I wish you and your other readers the best. It takes courage to talk about your depression in a public space like this, and I’m so glad you started a conversation. Thank you!
Thank you, thank you, thank you Gabby, for writing about this so openly. You inspired me to write about my experiences with anxiety, depression, and seasonal affective disorder on my own blog (not an easy post to hit “Publish” on, but a worthy one, I think). I don’t think I could ever say thank you enough times for your honesty.
Hi.
Very brave of you to open up your heart and mind. In doing so you will certainly help many people understand what they’re possibly going through and encourage them to seek help. I occasionally suffer from depression myself and I had a serious bout in the end of 2013. I went back to my old self after one year of psychoanalysis and homeopathy with a doctor who I lovingly call my all-in-one therapist! Stay well and have a great life!
Thank you so much for being so open and honest with us. I have been thru something very similar and knowing I’m not alone is fantastic. Thank you. x
Hi. Your post has stuck with me in the months since you wrote it, so I came back to read it and find a little comfort. I’ve been going through a scenario quite similar to yours and I’m in the can’t-find-a-doctor-because-I-don’t-have-an-established-primary-care-physician phase. I’ve been on the phone all day calling doctors, with no help in sight. It’s so discouraging to me that it should be so difficult to get mental health care. To almost be forced to be in full-on crisis mode before anyone will pay attention. I’ll just keep calling around tomorrow… and the next day… until I can finally find someone who will see me. Thanks for your honesty and for sharing your story.
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thank you so much for your honestly. you have no idea how this has encouraged and helped me.
Gabrielle, I am so grateful for your openness. I started reading your blog almost a decade ago (what?! how?!) – you once helped me figure out what to wear to a job interview, and I totally stole your circle birthday party idea for my toddler who is now almost 10. Funny how the years just zoom by. Thank goodness you found help and a treatment that works for you. You inspire me, and clearly lots of others by being real and open and just straight-up awesome. Thank you, and I hope you continue to feel well.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have been dealing with anxiety and depression for years, occasionally on medication, but it wasn’t until about a year ago where I really started to go downhill fast. Life events triggered episodes where it finally got to a point that my therapist would not let me leave her office unless my husband was able to take me to the hospital. I remember sitting on her couch and just wanting to curl up and go to sleep as I listened to her make the call to the hospital saying my husband was bringing me in. I was terrified of going… as a young child I visited my grandmother when she was hospitalized for mental illness. It was not a fond memory at all. I spent a week in the hospital and then began my journey with psychiatrist, 9-weeks of an intensive partial hospitalization program before I was able to be discharged. My journey continues with weekly therapy appointments and a year-long DBT program that meets one night a week. I am fortunate that my insurance will cover a good portion of this, my husband has been walking along side me in this journey, and that my work has been super supportive. I have been pretty quiet about what I went through with my employer, but I know they value my health and well-being. I have not felt comfortable enough to be fully open with immediate family members about what has been going on with me. Over time, that may change, but for now, I still feel some shame and guilt in the self-harm I was engaged in, and am not ready to talk more openly about it.
I want say Thanks a lot of from my bottom of heart for sharing a useful post with us.
Gabrielle – I admire your wit, courage and …. your determination to seek help (with the obligatory 2 week wait. Ha ha.)
Let me say at the outset – THIS IS NOT a OH POOR ME, please pity me. That’s the LAST thing I want.
I am fortunately in the capable care of a wonderful psychiatrist at a teaching hospital in Canada. Yes, 2 weeks applies here too – unfortunately many people have to wait much MUCH longer than that and … I don’t know how they can stand it.
I have been dealing with depression for over 20 years on an on-going basis. Not to mention in my teens/university years.
I am just SO happy that Wellbutrin worked for you. (I’m allergic). And have tried (I think) every combination under the sun. I’m what they call a “partial responder” to medication, also my body gets used to meds VERY quickly therefore changes – often. Unfortunately, the majority of most days I still think I’d rather be dead, but without it (medication) I would be long gone. Survival is also, thanks to the support of family and a great therapist and friends – of course. My Stitch ‘n’ Bitch group especially – We’ve gone through a lot as a community (over 20 years ago now – good grief – it can’t be that long… ah… time passes without notice).
I know that most of your posts are from several years ago but it makes me think you are even braver for coming forth with your story as there was/is still such a stigma attached to MENTAL illness. Sometimes, I think it would get more respect if it was called cancer of the soul. But progress is being made.
I don’t know if you are aware of a woman by the name of Sarah Hughes (Medalled in both winter and summer Olympics – wow – boggles my mind.) She has become quite a spokesperson for Mental Health. And I think is a neat person besides that. She has also teamed up with one of the main telephone companies here which helps raise both funds and awareness.
Your family is fortunate that you are aware of what is going on with you as they can be more vigilant against “the slide into the pit”. As they say look in your family tree and you’ll find some nuts… no –
that’s not it. Look for depression, bipolar and alcoholism in your family and you may have a tendency towards developing depression/ bipolar disorder.
I hope you have had clear sailing (as much as normal life can be) and continue enjoying good health.