Note from Design Mom: Two years ago, I tried something new. I wrote a Twitter thread for the first time. That first thread is about abortion, irresponsible ejaculations, why politicians who claim to care about abortion don’t really care, and how I think we need to approach the topic of abortion differently. I’m republishing it here today to mark the anniversary (and because I know many of you don’t use Twitter).
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I’m a mother of six, and a Mormon. I have a good understanding of arguments surrounding abortion, religious and otherwise. I’ve been listening to men grandstand about women’s reproductive rights, and I’m convinced men actually have zero interest in stopping abortion. Here’s why…
If you want to stop abortion, you need to prevent unwanted pregnancies. And men are 100% responsible for unwanted pregnancies. No for real, they are. Perhaps you are thinking: IT TAKES TWO! And yes, it does take two for _intentional_ pregnancies.
But ALL unwanted pregnancies are caused by the irresponsible ejaculations of men. Period. Don’t believe me? Let me walk you through it. Let’s start with this: women’s eggs are only fertile about 2 days each month. And that’s for a limited number of years.
That makes 24 days a year a women’s egg might get fertilized. But men can cause pregnancy 365 days a year. In fact, if you’re a man who ejaculates multiple times a day, you could cause multiple pregnancies daily. In theory a man could cause 1000+ unwanted pregnancies in just one year.
And though their sperm gets crappier as they age, men can cause unwanted pregnancies from puberty till death. So just starting with basic biology + the calendar it’s easy to see men are the issue here.
But what about birth control? If a woman doesn’t want to risk an unwanted pregnancy, why wouldn’t she just use birth control? If a women can manage to figure out how to get an abortion, surely she can get birth control, right? Great questions.
Modern birth control is possibly the greatest invention of the last century, and I am very grateful for it. It’s also brutal. The side effects for many women are ridiculously harmful. So ridiculous, that when an oral contraception for men was created, it wasn’t approved…
… because of the side effects. And the list of side effects was about 1/3 as long as the known side effects for women’s oral contraception.
There’s a lot to be unpacked just in that story, but I’ll simply point out that as a society, we really don’t mind if women suffer, physically or mentally, as long as it makes things easier for men.
But good news, Men: Even with the horrible side effects, women are still very willing to use birth control. Unfortunately it’s harder to get than it should be. Birth control options for women require a doctor’s appointment and a prescription. It’s not free, and often not cheap.
In fact there are many people trying to make it more expensive by fighting to make sure insurance companies refuse to cover it. Oral contraceptives for women can’t be acquired easily, or at the last minute. And they don’t work instantly.
If we’re talking about the pill, it requires consistent daily use and doesn’t leave much room for mistakes, forgetfulness, or unexpected disruptions to daily schedules. And again, the side effects can be brutal. I’M STILL GRATEFUL FOR IT PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT AWAY.
I’m just saying women’s birth control isn’t simple or easy. In contrast, let’s look at birth control for men, meaning condoms. Condoms are readily available at all hours, inexpensive, convenient, and don’t require a prescription. They’re effective, and work on demand, instantly.
Men can keep them stocked up just in case, so they’re always prepared. Amazing! They are so much easier than birth control options for women. As a bonus, in general, women love when men use condoms. They keep us from getting STDs, they don’t lessen our pleasure during sex or prevent us from climaxing.
And the best part? Clean up is so much easier — no waddling to the toilet as your jizz drips down our legs. So why in the world are there ever unwanted pregnancies? Why don’t men just use condoms every time they have sex? Seems so simple, right?
Oh. I remember. Men don’t love condoms. In fact, men frequently pressure women to have sex without a condom. And it’s not unheard of for men to remove the condom during sex, without the women’s permission or knowledge. (Pro-tip: That’s assault.)
Why would men want to have sex without a condom? Good question. Apparently it’s because for the minutes they are penetrating their partner, having no condom on gives the experience more pleasure.
So… there are men willing to risk getting a woman pregnant — which means literally risking her life, her health, her social status, her relationships, and her career, so that they can experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure? Is that for real? Yes. Yes it is.
What are we talking about here pleasure-wise? If there’s a pleasure scale, with pain beginning at zero and going down into the negatives, a back-scratch falling at 5, and an orgasm without a condom being a 10, where would sex with a condom fall? Like a 7 or 8?
So it’s not like sex with a condom is not pleasurable, it’s just not as pleasurable. An 8 instead of a 10. Let me emphasize that again: Men regularly choose to put women at massive risk by having non-condom sex, in order to experience a few minutes of slightly more pleasure.
Now keep in mind, for the truly condom-averse, men also have a non-condom, always-ready birth control built right in, called the pull out. It’s not perfect, and it’s a favorite joke, but according to experts, when done correctly, it is also 96% effective.
So surely, we can expect men who aren’t wearing a condom to at least learn to pull out correctly and pull out every time they have sex, right?
Nope.
And why not?
Well, again, apparently it’s slightly more pleasurable to climax inside a vagina than, say, on their partner’s stomach. So men are willing to risk the life, health and well-being of women, in order to experience a tiny bit more pleasure for like 5 seconds during orgasm.
It’s mind-boggling and disturbing when you realize that’s the choice men are making. And honestly, I’m not as mad as I should be about this, because we’ve trained men from birth that their pleasure is of utmost importance in the world. (We’ve also trained them to dis-associate sex and pregnancy.)
While we’re here, let’s talk a bit more about pleasure and biology. Did you know that (with few exceptions) a man can’t get a woman pregnant without having an orgasm? Which means that we can conclude getting a woman pregnant is a pleasurable act for men.
But did you further know that men can get a woman pregnant without her feeling any pleasure at all? In fact, it’s totally possible for a man to impregnate a woman even while causing her excruciating pain, trauma or horror.
In contrast, a woman can have non-stop orgasms with or without a partner and never once get herself pregnant. A woman’s orgasm has literally nothing to do with pregnancy or fertility — her clitoris exists not for creating new babies, but simply for pleasure.
No matter how many orgasms she has, they won’t make her pregnant. Rule of thumb: Pregnancies can only happen when men have an orgasm. Unwanted pregnancies can only happen when men orgasm irresponsibly.
What this means is a women can be the sluttliest slut in the entire world who loves having orgasms all day long and all night long and she will never find herself with an unwanted pregnancy unless a man shows up and ejaculates irresponsibly.
Women enjoying sex does not equal unwanted pregnancy and abortion. Men enjoying sex and having irresponsible ejaculations is what causes unwanted pregnancies and abortion.
Let’s talk more about responsibility. Men often don’t know, and don’t ask, and don’t think to ask, if they’ve caused a pregnancy. They may never think of it, or associate sex with making babies at all. Why? Because there are 0 consequences for men who cause unwanted pregnancies.
If the woman decides to have an abortion, the man may never know he caused an unwanted pregnancy with his irresponsible ejaculation.
If the woman decides to have the baby, or put the baby up for adoption, the man may never know he caused an unwanted pregnancy with his irresponsible ejaculation, or that there’s now a child walking around with 50% of his DNA.
If the woman does tell him that he caused an unwanted pregnancy and that she’s having the baby, the closest thing to a consequence for him, is that he may need to pay child support. But our current child support system is well-known to be a joke.
Only 61% of men (or women) who are legally required to pay it, do. With little or no repercussions. In lots of states, their credit isn’t even affected. So, many men keep going as is, causing unwanted pregnancies with irresponsible ejaculations and never giving it thought.
When the topic of abortion comes up, men might think: Abortion is horrible; women should not have abortions. And never once consider the man who caused the unwanted pregnancy.
If you’re not holding men responsible for unwanted pregnancies, then you are wasting your time.
Stop protesting at clinics. Stop shaming women. Stop trying to overturn abortion laws. If you actually care about reducing or eliminating the number of abortions in our country, simply HOLD MEN RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS.
What would that look like? What if there was a real and immediate consequence for men who cause an unwanted pregnancy? What kind of consequence would make sense? Should it be as harsh, painful, nauseating, scarring, expensive, risky, and life-altering…
… as forcing a woman to go through a 9-month unwanted pregnancy?
In my experience, men really like their testicles. If irresponsible ejaculations were putting their balls at risk, they would stop being irresponsible. Does castration seem like a cruel and unusual punishment? Definitely.
But is it worse than forcing 500,000 women a year to puke daily for months, gain 40 pounds, and then rip their bodies apart in childbirth? Is a handful of castrations worse than women dying during forced pregnancy and childbirth?
Put a castration law on the books, implement the law, let the media tell the story, and in 3 months or less, tada! abortions will have virtually disappeared. Can you picture it? No more abortions in less than 3 months, without ever trying to outlaw them. Amazing.
For those of you who consider abortion to be murder, wouldn’t you be on board with having a handful of men castrated, if it prevented 500,000 murders each year?
And if not, is that because you actually care more about policing women’s bodies, morality, and sexuality, than you do about reducing or eliminating abortions? (That’s a rhetorical question.)
Hey, you can even have the men who will be castrated bank their sperm before it happens — just in case they want to responsibly have kids some day.
Can’t wrap your head around a physical punishment for men? Even though you seem to be more than fine with physical punishments for women? Okay. Then how about this prevention idea: At the onset of puberty, all males in the U.S. could be required by law to get a vasectomy.
Vasectomies are very safe, highly reversible, and about as invasive as a doctor’s exam for a woman getting a birth control prescription. There is some soreness afterwards for about 24 hours, but that’s pretty much it for side effects.
(So much better than The Pill, which is taken by millions of women in our country, the side effects of which are well known and can be brutal.)
If/when the male becomes a responsible adult, and perhaps finds a mate, if they want to have a baby, the vasectomy can be reversed, and then redone once the childbearing stage is over. And each male can bank their sperm before the vasectomy, just in case.
It’s not that wild of an idea. 80% of males in the U.S. are circumcised, most as babies. And that’s not reversible.
Don’t like my ideas? That’s fine. I’m sure there are better ones. Go ahead and suggest your own ideas. My point is that it’s nonsense to focus on women if you’re trying to get rid of abortions. Abortion is the “cure” for an unwanted pregnancy.
If you want to stop abortions, you need to prevent the “disease” – meaning, unwanted pregnancies. And the only way to do that, is by focusing on men, because: MEN CAUSE 100% OF UNWANTED PREGNANCIES. Or. IRRESPONSIBLE EJACULATIONS BY MEN CAUSE 100% OF UNWANTED PREGNANCIES.
If you’re a man, what would the consequence need to be for you to never again ejaculate irresponsibly? Would it be money related? Maybe a loss of rights or freedoms? Physical pain?
Ask yourselves: What would it take for you to value the life of your sexual partner more than your own temporary pleasure or convenience?
Are you someone who learns better with analogies? Let’s try this one: Think of another great pleasure in life, let’s say food. Think of your favorite meal, dessert, or drink.
What if you found out that every time you indulge in that favorite food you risked causing great physical and mental pain for someone you know intimately. You might not cause any pain, but it’s a real risk.
Well, you’d probably be sad, but never indulge in that food again, right? Not worth the risk!
And then, what if you further found out, there was a simple thing you could do before you ate that favorite food, and it would eliminate the risk of causing pain to someone else. Which is great news!
But the simple thing you need to do makes the experience of eating the food slightly less pleasurable. To be clear, it would still be very pleasurable, but slightly less so. Like maybe you have to eat the food with a fork or spoon that you don’t particularly like.
Would you be willing to do that simple thing, and eliminate the risk of causing pain to someone you know intimately, every single time you ate your favorite food?
OF COURSE YOU WOULD.
Condoms (or even pulling out) is that simple thing. Don’t put women at risk. Don’t choose to maximize your own pleasure if it risks causing women pain.
Men mostly run our government. Men mostly make the laws. And men could eliminate abortions in three months or less without ever touching an abortion law or evening mentioning women.
In summary: STOP TRYING TO CONTROL WOMEN’S BODIES AND SEXUALITY. UNWANTED PREGNANCIES ARE CAUSED BY MEN.
The end.
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Well. There it is. My first Twitter thread. I actually had this written for several months before I published it, and was hesitant to share it. Not sure why. But hearing so many men talking about women’s reproductive rights (related to the Kavanaugh hearings), brought me to hit publish. I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic. What could we do as a society to have men shoulder the burden of preventing unwanted pregnancies?
Eloquent. True. Perfect.
This is so, so good. I wish it had been said this clearly a long time ago.
[ Comment deleted. Why? I have a fairly strict policy of not letting men who aren’t a regular part of this community comment here, because it inevitably turns into random-man-lecturing-Design-Mom-Readers on a topic Readers have thought about way more than he has. In Mike’s case I made an exception, and let him keep lecturing, which of course was a mistake. And also a good reminder of why the policy exists in the first place. — Gabrielle ]
Why? Why would this be hyperbole? Do you know the life altering risks that hormonal birth control cause women? Why would it be equal? It hasn’t been equal, why the desire for fairness now? Would YOU be willing to take the pay cut, the stress, the pain, the economic hardship that goes along with giving birth?
I’m not speaking for Gabby, but I am speaking as a woman – NOT hyperbole! And what a complete jackass for suggesting that the very MINOR risks associated with castration and vasectomies are in ANY way proportional to what women risk DAILY!
Your comment actually proves Gabby’s point perfectly.
Gabby, I’ve been a follower and fan since before you took those darling j crew ish, colorful family photos in New York, before June, before France (years and years!). I’m pretty bummed Mike’s comment, along with mine was deleted. The comment indicated he was pro choice and asked for reasonable clarification. For better or worse, we need men like that on our side if we’re talking about actually affecting policy change (sure it would be nice if we as women had WAY more power in government to make better policy, but here we are). I’m afraid the real important message here could be lost in some of the incredibly sexist ideas because it would scare would be supporters right out of supporting this argument. My unplanned pregnancy caused by a very “responsible ejaculation” (after a vasectomy and TWO semen analysis seeming him sterile) has made me feel quite passionate about this topic. I applaud you for flipping the pro-life/pro-choice argument on its end! Truly revolutionary. But please don’t invalidate this by squelching opinions that are moderate.
Thanks for reading all this time, Karina, and thanks for sharing your personal story too.
My take? Mike was behaving like an asshole and trying to dominate the conversation with multiple lengthy comments. His comments weren’t neutral at all; his agenda was clear: to make every woman who is thinking about this issue differently after reading the post, feel like they are unthinking and fanatic. The baseline topic is: holding men accountable for their actions. Mike demonstrated zero interest in the actual topic.
If Mike wants to lecture women and pretend he’s incredulous on Twitter, I can’t do anything about that, but I can keep him off my blog. As you mentioned, I’ve been doing this for a long time. I’ve learned a ton about online conversations over the years, and I feel confident I’ve moderated his comments appropriately.
(And dammit I didn’t get to Jim’s comments on time and look what happened. He keeps spouting nonsense and distracting from the real conversation. Exactly like Mike was doing.)
Thanks Gabby, it sounds like I may have missed some of his latter comments. I completely agree that this is your blog, and you moderate how you see fit. I truly hope this viewpoint can shake up the debate over reproductive rights and women’s bodies. I love being an empowered IN my womanhood not in spite of it and hope we can all continue to be a loud voice and eventually be too loud to be disregarded.
Straight up – about a year and a half ago I came to the very same conclusion. It is ridiculous to police women’s bodies when they bear all the consequences. I posted this on my Facebook and the response? That the men responsible for these unwanted pregnancies were actually to be pitied because they (probably) had a father issue that they were struggling to deal with (what????) – and therefore women would just have to continue to endure shouldering all the responsibility/blame (shrug?)
What I wrote wasn’t nearly as well researched, well written, or definitive – but yes! I think we are all ready to put a stop to this craziness.
Life is not fair. Women have periods every month for 40 year or so and then they get the pleasures of menopause. Not fun! They also have a chance of getting pregnant when they have sex (even while on birth control). This is the way it is. I also think there is a VERY important thing being left out of this discussion. The baby. Why is it OK to kill an unborn baby because you want a few moments of fun. Many abortions occur when the baby has a heartbeat! Can such it’s thumb. Can feel pain!!!!
If men stop ejaculating irresponsibly, it would take care of your abortion concerns.
Wow. Wow.
This is so True and Powerful and Enlightening. Why, why have I never seen it this way? It’s so obvious, isn’t it? I have personally experienced real pain, not to mention pregnancy, to please a man. This mindset is something I have been exploring over the past year and I thought I had come to a point of real enlightenment until I read this and realized that my sexual mindset is practically in the dark ages, as the idea you have expressed is so simple and obvious, and yet. And Yet. I never thought of it this way.
Thank you.
You. Are. Amazing. Thank you for pointing out SO MANY ACCURATE FACTS. The amount of thought you put into this is astounding. I want everyone in the world to read it. Bravo!
This is pure genius . I think every single person in the entire world should read it. Thank you for so eloquently and relatable putting this out there.
This!!!
Love this soooooo much!!
You are THE BEST Gabrielle Blair. Sharing this with my 15 year old daughter. And HECK YEAH to this conversation with my son.
This is truly incredible to read. Thank you for shedding some light on this and making so much dang sense!
Woooooo! Can’t wait until I have time to read through all the comments, too! Thank you! 💖
Thank you for sharing, Gabby! I think a missed point that makes me so disheartened about our sex education is that most women are never educated on when those TWO days are each month that they can get pregnant. I understand and applaud that this article is focused on men! Women (and awesome partners who believe their reproductive responsibilities belong to both parties) who track their cycles can avoid unwanted pregnancies simply by avoiding sex during a certain time period (and for those wary of my comment – that can be a broad time period but our body DOES give us a plethora of tangible and symptothermal signs). I know – it’s not 100% effective – but neither are condoms/withdrawal and I also think oral birth control can be pretty unfair to women. What if couples balanced condom use and cycle tracking? This is definitely a win-win for so many couples, but many women dont even know it’s a possibility. We should teach women & men about women’s reproductive cycles from an early age! And reinforce it so women feel confident and proud with how their bodies are made. Cheers!
Freaking unbelievably. Truth sister! Tell it.
Love this!!! ❤️💃🏻💪🏽
I want to share this but you really need to correct your science first–
— serious biological errors in there (women can get pregnant from sex at any point in their cycle, it’s just more likely at a certain portion, and there is semen in pre-cum, so he can impregnate before orgasm). Everyone will dismiss your brilliant writing outright if you don’t have these simple facts straight. Please fix so this can be distributed widely!
I too am Mormon, I read your entire thread and understand your theory, but if you are bringing our religion into this conversation you are forgetting one of our basic principles, choice and accountability. Unless it’s rape, the female made a choice to have sex, so in a marriage I feel it is equal responsibility because birth control definitely should be discussed. If you are dating and not secure enough in your relationship to discuss protection with your partner, then you aren’t mature enough to make the choice to have sex. Most teens who have sex, male or female, unless they’ve been taught well by their parents (and that’s still no guarantee) are not going to be responsible enough or mature enough to use protection. Their hormones are raging, they are impulsive and they are only living in the moment. So in my opinion your solution is definitely the easiest on paper but not realistic, once again it comes down to humans and their choices and shared responsibility.
It is not uncommon, both within marriage and without, for men to pressure women to have sex without a condom. For a whole lot of depressing reasons, women often acquiesce.
If you’re starting from a place where you don’t believe those two sentences are true, then we aren’t going to get to an understanding about accountability.
And teens are very capable of using protection. Think more highly of your teens!
I am 66 years old, I’m not so naive as to think husbands have not pressured wives into having unprotected sex, and believe me I know about the depressing reasons for the acquiescence, but my point as I stated in the first sentence is you’re using your knowledge based “partly” on the fact that you are Mormon and a lot of what you are conveying to people with your blanket statement that unwanted pregnancies are 100% the male partner’s fault is not in line with choice and accountability. All of this info is YOUR theory, don’t bring our religion into it. I want men to take responsibility for preventing pregnancies, I want teenagers to be educated in taking responsibility when it comes to pregnancy prevention. But bottom line is, if the female is not being pressured and still has unprotected sex, which most definitely happens in the real world, and it results in an unwanted pregnancy then the responsibility is shared. Each person made their choice. In addition I was not degrading teenagers, I have 5 younger sisters, 2 younger brothers, a son, a daughter and 6 grandchildren. I DO know about human nature. I’ve been a member of the church my whole and was YW President for many years. It was unnecessary for you to be condescending because I don’t agree with your 100% blame on males.
Good luck in your endeavors.
PREACH! Let’s get some legislative action out of this!!
Thank you, Gabrielle!
Hi!! I first discovered your blog/website the week after you moved out of your house on Winslow. (I was a neighbor and discovered you by accident – despite having mutual friends!) I’ve followed you ever since – but less so recently – we too moved overseas for a few years – and I feel this is, most literally, your most important post, ever. (Amy Siskend shared it!!!). Articulate, blunt, take-no-prisoners tone. Really edgy, but in a good, tipping point, kind of way. Brava. You’ve got guts. 🙏
I love Amy Siskend.
I love it. I’m a grandma and I’ve been saying much the same thing for a few years now. Particularly the vasectomy at puberty. My twist was the man couldn’t get it reversed until he found a woman who wanted to have children with him and she gave the doctor her permission. ;)
Not disagreeing without the entire post, but a man doesn’t have to orgasm to get you pregnant. It might be more difficult, but there are sperm in the precum. Also, men could come and not orgasm. Again, I realize this is not necessarily the norm, but when you’re making a statement that claims something always happens, the facts should be correct.
From one Mormon mom to another – this was inspirational – thank you for your courage and conviction.
Thank you for writing this thought provoking piece! Much respect!
Wow! That was amazing! That’s the most valid argument I’ve ever heard. Thank you
This made me tear up- so powerful. I’m a nurse, I’ve worked at Planned Parenthood and have given this issue a lot of thought but never from this perspective. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Going to save this to read to my kids (especially my sons) when they get older. Well done.
Means a lot from a Planned Parenthood nurse. Thank you!
I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t already been said so just . . . Thank You. I appreciate the courage it took to post this. I’m saving it for my daughters and nephew.
THANK YOU. I said “amen!” about 30 times reading this. You have said the things I’ve had in my heart and head for a long time. This needs to be shouted from the rooftops. Thank you.
Love the conversation, and agree there needs to be WAY more accountability, but definitely feel compelled to share some of my personal insight.
I had an unplanned pregnancy (my fifth baby but first unplanned) more than a year after my husband was deemed sterile from taking the responsible action and having a Vasectomy. The risk for us was great, because I’m a carrier of a terminal genetic blood disorder that affects any of our sons. After our second child was born and diagnosed with this, we had our twins through in vitro with pre implantation genetic diagnosis. My husband very willingly got a vasectomy and had TWO tests deeming him sterile.
When my twins were weaning at 15 months, i was having very strange symptoms, went to a doctor, had a blood test, was told my blood sugar was low but that was it. A week later, I got a positive pregnancy test, and an ultrasound revealed I was 20 WEEKS pregnant! My twins were barely one, and I was a mess, but my husband was supportive as ever, but called his urologist right away. His doctor eluded to the fact it may not be his baby, but after a test, he was found to be in the .01% who healed from a vasectomy. He quickly scheduled a SECOND vasectomy as to make things easier on me. After our baby was born, I did not trust even his second vasectomy as it had failed once. So at 3 months postpartum I opted to have a double salpingectomy, both my tubes removed (which was also been proven to reduce the risk of ovarian and breast cancer.
A few months after the vasectomy my husband started having severe pain in his testicles. It was always painful, but sex was almost unbearable. He went to doctor after doctor and finally found a specialist that diagnosed him with Post Vasectomy Pain Syndrome. Essentially, some men cannot absorb the sperm fast enough and so there is a build up of pressure in the vas deferens that causes chronic and debilitating pain and makes sex truly unbearable. In over a year of dealing with the pain, It was one of the hardest thing our relationship has gone through. It was so painful, he wasn’t interested in sex and felt emasculated, because EVERYONE says men ALWAYS want to have sex and it’s NEVER painful for them. The only cure, is a vasectomy reversal, which he had two weeks ago. We paid $9,000 out of pocket because it was impacting our relationship, his self esteem, my self esteem, and his motivation. He now has a 6-8 week recovery and has gone through all of this in his efforts to be responsible/take the burden off me. I had literally zero side effects from having my tubes removed other than 2-3 days of rest and soreness.
I consider myself to be a traditional feminist and before living this experience felt like it was the LEAST a man could do to get a vasectomy after all we go through and it was all about “heaven forbid a man get a boo-boo”. We have since found out that as many as 10% of men suffer from post vasectomy pain syndrome but are disregarded and unheard because it’s bad for business or are too embarrassed and ashamed to seek help. I absolutely agree that unplanned birth prevention is the answer with an emphasis on men taking more responsibility but a those two horrible vasectomy experiences have made me a strong advocate against them.
I also feel the statement that men have ZERO consequences from an unplanned pregnancy aside from child support is very far off. Not only did I see my husband endure a second vasectomy and reversal (all due to an unplanned pregnancy) but witnessed emotional trauma from a young teenage father who had no rights in his child being placed for adoption. He was demonized that it was “his fault”, and he felt helpless and hopeless in any decision making regarding his child. It impacted the rest of his life as he chose to have no more children because of the lasting trauma from that experience.
Do most women pretty much bear all the burden of pregnancy and child rearing? ABSOLUTELY! I have a supportive partner and have still put my career on hold to raise my five young children. Should men take more responsibility for preventing unwanted pregnancy? ABSOLUTELY!
I just wanted to share my insight to the dangers and trauma of vasectomies as well as assuming men suffer no emotional and in some cases physical trauma from an unplanned pregnancy.
This is one instance. Do you know how many women in the US die in child birth? Again, I think your comment speaks to this expectation that ALL women EVERYWHERE and EVERY TIME should assume ALL the responsibility, pain, cost – because there just might be one time that this happens to one man. Yes, medical procedures can be imperfect, go awry – this is true for women’s bodies as well. Wonderful that you didn’t experience any complications and had the time and money and security to recover from your operation – know that this isn’t true for MANY women. I don’t understand how you believe that your one experience negates all of what Gabby wrote. Your comment speaks to a limited, selfish viewpoint.
Elizabeth, maybe you didn’t read my comment clearly as in no way do I believe my one experience negates all of what Gabby said. And yes, maternal care in the US is absolutely atrocious. Not only have I birthed five children so know first hand the physical and emotional trauma, I am an anthropologist who focused my research on access to prenatal care based on subculture and socioeconomic status. Let’s stick together on changing things as women, not on petty, personal attacks because I may have a different perspective and disagree with a small portion of what Gabby has stated, though the majority of it I beleive is spot on.
Just got your book, love it! Sadly, there are many other indicators that abortion objection is simply a way to control women. The fact that it’s a political priority and supporting unwed and mothers never is. The fact that it’s a political priority and birth control never is. The fact that it’s “murder,” but even the most die-hard anti-abortion people will usually allow exceptions for victims of sexual violence. So they will condone murder in some cases? No, they know it’s not murder, they just want a punishment for any women who enjoys sex.
Bravo!
This entire article is condescending to men. Women need to understand that it’s their responsibility and choice if they want to have sex, if they become pregnant then it’s both parties fault. We cannot demise men based on their biology, come on women we can do better than this pitiful argument. If we required everyman to get a vasectomy I guarantee more teenagers will have sex and STDs will rise. This article is not solving any problem its merely passing blame and prolonging an actual constructive confersation
Really? Every woman always has a choice? So there is no rape? Men never secretly remove condoms? Pressure their partners into unprotected sex? Never? It’s all on women? Look at these comments – THIS is an actual conversation. And you are simply pretending that some fantasy world exists – which has actually prevented the conversation from moving forward for hundreds of years.
Mari Totally agree! Passing the buck doesn’t solve a thing.
Hope this isn’t TMI, but you just inspired me to send a request for a vasectomy appointment. My wife has given birth to two wonderful daughters. We think, as a couple, that we are done having kids. I hadn’t thought of how I need to start taking the responsibility now that there is no longer a need for me to not go through with the procedure.
As an FYI, most studies show that vasectomy procedures are reversible around 50% of the time, at most. However, I am confident that if there were a demand for reversible vasectomies that number would greatly increase if there was in increase in those requesting it.
Yes!!! Preach!!!
Gabby: You are my hero! You tackled a difficult subject with grace and intelligence. I agree with you 1000%
Brilliant!!
This post has to go
viral… i just posted it on my Facebook account…
This has me so hyped. Women’s rights is my number one concern. There is no valid counter argument to be made. This should also be required reading for young men and women as they hit puberty. Women have the power (in most cases) to choose whom to share a bed with. They need to know they can choose a partner more responsibly also.
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I LOVE THIS! As a retired teacher (35 years), who taught sex education in a liberal school district for many of those years, I wish I could go back 30 years and empower more young women to speak up for their rights to control their own bodies. I have shared this on my Facebook page and I hope many of my former students read it!
Some facts need to be corrected however, specifically:
1. Sperm can remain alive inside the woman’s body for about 5 days after ejaculation. If a woman ovulates 5 days after sex, then, yes, she can get pregnant. (The egg will remain alive for 2 days after ovulation.)
2. There actually are some sperm cells in the pre-ejaculation fluid. You actually need many sperm cells to break into the egg cell, but still – there’s a chance and one that some women can’t afford to take.
3. Vasectomies are not totally reversible. They’re more likely to be able to be reversed than tubal ligations, but it still not anywhere near 100%. (I haven’t kept up on the current info about rate of reversibility since I retired.)
Saw this posted on FB & had to come here to make sure it was for real! So glad you weren’t hacked, and this is the REAL YOU! Thank you, Gabby!!!!!
Body modifications? Like taking high dosages of hormones for decades to prevent pregnancy – ever read what that does to a woman’s body? Like an IUD – ever read about that and what happens when things go wrong? Like tubal ligation? Hysterectomies? Those kinds of body modifications?
And the comment about getting her husband drunk also included the statement that they got together and made a calendar – he was a full participant but anxious.
How many young teenage girls are out on birth control pills as soon as their period starts? Have you ever read the list of warnings and side effects that accompany birth control pills?
Yes, condoms are effective and cheap and easy to access and use – Gabby actually made that point in her essay – several times – did you even read her essay or did you just read some trolls rant about the essay comments? The problem is that overwhelmingly men WILL NOT use condone – which is why vasectomies and castrations would be effective – and deserving.
I’m friends with quite a few gay men. Some of them have children from when they were trying not to be gay. Almost all of them had sex with a woman at least once to ‘make sure’ they weren’t gay.
I think that pretty much most men are selfish and self-important and liars – like you, who think that they can get away without reading the essay or the actual comments – but look – you can’t.
There is your arrogance and laziness on display – a leading cause of unwanted pregnancy.
Wow, you are actually either a troll or insane
“Most men are selfish liars”, “boys deserve government enforced castration”, “gay men want to impregnate women”
It’s almost to good to find these comments here. As if you were an MRA troll.
You are all SICK, unbelievable SICK in your brain. How can a human being write this utter nonsense, please I beg you god never let me touch or speak with such diseased persons.
Thank you for having the courage to post this most articulate piece. I wish I’d read it when I was a teen. Too bad it wasn’t read in the current Kavanaugh hearings.
mary
I stand next to you 💯!! Thank you for bringing the men into this discussion. I wrote a post similar to this, in the simple fact that men get away with too much, and do not take accountability. I have said for years “what if castration was the punishment for rape?” If they abused it then should there be a consequence? I think all your ideas should be looked at and we as a world should change on this. And the first step is for women to stop taking all the blame and accountability!
They say we are responsible by how we dress (or don’t dress) for their immoral thoughts and thus rape. Where is the accountability for men and being accountable for their own thoughts no matter how a women is dressed?
Just thoughts…. very well written, thank you.
Love this – brave and undeniably true
I loved this post. The issues surrounding abortion are super complex, however I have always thought men in leadership positions should completely excuse themselves from any legislative role surrounding abortion. They have no place or right in dictating any aspect of the legalities of abortion. While some of your arguments where clearly rhetorical, there is a lot of irony in how much more sense they make than the current system we are operating under.
Annnddd….End Scene.
This is fantastic. The language was right for the Twitter audience, I think. Those who are precious about you being ONLY the sweet design mom of a tribe of lovely kids (and wife to the Amazing Ben Blair), and not having any opinions that might not parallel some of theirs is fantasy. Sorry for bursting their bubbles, but I’m so happy you shared your voice on the Donald Trump Network. I have never been more afraid for women than I am now…living in my own little world and not recognizing what was going on around me. I have also started to voice my opinions in a level way and have found kindred spirits I didn’t know I had. I wish I was more articulate.
Hurray for you. And the young women and men in your family.
I agree with this completely but I think we need to be a little better at explaining that pulling out DOES NOT prevent pregnancies. Let’s stop asking men to pull out but ask them to wear a condom clear and simple!
This is the most brilliant dissection of the problem, ever. I agree with everything she’s written and it’s been my own guide-star. But somehow if I say it it has ZERO weight. I’m called an ‘f*ing liberal’, a fascist conservative, I’m labeled a traitor to my gender, told that I have no right to speak on the subject because I don’t understand a woman’s body, or simply because I’m not a woman, and a host of other frankly stupid reasons not to take it seriously. So I’m extremely grateful that Gabrielle wrote this. For the first time in over 40 years, I know I’m not alone.
This post caught my eye because of the picture and how great your hair looks. But then I started to read and I was blown away! I continued to read with tears in my eyes. Yes, some of your points are a little outrageous, but they just serve to illustrate the ridiculousness of our system and our perceptions of what is okay. I am 55 years old and the mother of 3 wonderful sons. I have always thought that it was ridiculous for the male lawmakers to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies. Nine months is a long time to carry a baby. For me it involved being sick for most of those nine months. It affects your job or your school and the rest of your life. If it is an unwanted pregnancy, that is a very long time and a very high price to pay.
Thank you so much for sharing your viewpoint!