By Gabrielle. Image by Matteo Montanari for d la repubblica delle donne.
So. I didn’t mention it last week, but on Saturday it was my birthday. I feel odd about mentioning my birthday on the blog. With a forum like Design Mom, I’m lucky, because I get kind comments and emails from readers regularly, so it somehow feels greedy if I mention my birthday, as though I’m hoping for special greetings. But now that’s it’s over, I want to talk about it. Because it was a big one. I turned 40!
I’ve been thinking about this birthday for awhile. Forty has a reputation for being a difficult birthday, and I wanted to avoid feeling bummed out. I figured if I made a good plan in advance, I wouldn’t be caught off guard when the big day arrived. The idea of a mid-life crisis is really discouraging to me, and I think I’m actively trying to avoid it if at all possible.
So in January of this year, when I was working on New Year’s Resolutions and plans for 2014, I put some thought into my birthday. What did I want to do? Have a big party? Go on a trip? Accomplish a goal? Get in good shape? Make a list of 40 things I could do to commemorate the day?
I pondered possibilities over a few days and the thought that kept coming back to me was: grooming.
What do I mean by grooming?
Well, I mean actual grooming. Hair and nails and skin care and makeup and shaved legs and the whole thing.
I guess I feel like by 40, I should have long mastered grooming. But instead, there are many days where I see my nails and think, “Really? You’re not embarrassed of yourself?” Or I’ll attempt a certain eye makeup technique for a big event, and get it totally wrong and remember that I’ve never properly learned to do makeup. Or I’ll leave the house for a late night errand, wearing something that essentially communicates I’ve given up on life (which I haven’t, so I shouldn’t be communicating that). Or I’ll want to wear a certain skirt, then have to pick an alternate outfit because I didn’t make time to shave my legs.
On some days, I get it right. But on lots of days, I don’t. None of this is terribly important, none of it is even remotely life or death, it’s just that I assumed that I would have mastered these basic tasks by the age of forty.
So my initial idea for celebrating my fortieth year was to master grooming. To look and feel as good as possible every day of my fortieth year. To make consistent hair appointments, to dedicate enough time every morning to properly get ready for the day, to remember to reapply lipstick as needed. I could even have my teeth straightened, which I’ve wanted to do for years! Stuff like that. And I still really like that idea, but it lead to a related idea that I think I like even more.
I’m consistently intrigued with conversations about women and beauty and identity. How we view ourselves. The image we project to others. How and when we feel beautiful, and why we sometimes (and sometimes often) don’t feel beautiful. What we’re willing to do to achieve a certain identity or beauty ideal. And how it all relates.
When we moved to France, Ben Blair didn’t have a beard and had never had a beard. At some point, while we lived there he had a few days of facial hair growth and was about to shave, but we had a conversation. I was curious. I said, “So you’re able to grow a beard, but you’re never going to grow one? Don’t you wonder what it would be like or how you would look?”
And I guess he did wonder. Up to that point, he wasn’t against growing a beard, he just found the process was too itchy, so after a few days, he would shave. But after our conversation, he spoke with our favorite pharmacist (who happened to be bearded), and the pharmacist recommended several options to deal with the itchiness, and they worked, and Ben Blair suddenly had a beard.
Turns out, Ben liked it so much, that he hasn’t shaved it since!
When I started thinking about grooming and beauty and identity I remembered Ben’s beard experience, and thought to myself, well, It’s possible for me to go blonde, like Gwen Stefani (age 44, btw) white blonde. And I’m just never going to try that? What if I like myself better as a blonde. Or what if I like how people respond to me?
Or, I could shave my head and wear dark, heavy eye makeup and have a completely different, much edgier look, and I’m never going to try that either? I find that look really appealing. Maybe I would love it in the same way Ben likes having a beard. The idea of having a look that isn’t typical of a mother of six is appealing to me.
Or maybe I should try a really sharp, short bob — sort of Japanese style (similar to the image at top). My hair wouldn’t do it very well on its own, but I could wear a wig. There are whole sections of the population that wear wigs regularly (think: Beyoncé). I always covet that sharp bob look. Why not adopt it for myself?
I want to say here that I realize my ideas are not quite the same thing as the beard. A beard is a natural human body process, but bleaching hair or putting on heavy eye makeup is not. But you get the idea. In this day and age we have a lot of control of how we look. I dye my grey hair and have done so since my mid-twenties. I wear contacts on some days instead of glasses. I choose specific clothes, consciously or subconsciously, so I can portray a certain look and receive a certain response from the people I encounter. We all do.
So my second idea was to use this year, my fortieth year, to experiment with beauty and identity. And then to discuss these topics here on the blog. I could try on several different looks — change them up every month or every quarter or whenever it makes sense. Maybe I could make videos — time lapse recordings of me transitioning from one look to another. I could talk about how I feel with each look. How my kids respond. How strangers respond.
Some of the looks might require lots of daily grooming, but another time, I could experiment and see what it’s like to wear no makeup, and do the least amount of grooming (while still being healthy), and see what happens if I do that over several weeks. Do people respond to me differently? Do I feel less confident or beautiful? What if I have to speak at an event? Would I still be committed enough to wear no makeup? And if I’m spending less time on grooming, do I use that freed up time productively, or do I use it to watch more Netflix?
I’m not totally sure how to go about the second idea. Do I start with something dramatic like going blonde? Do I make a plan of all the different looks I want to try this year? Or just decide as I go along? Will I need to change up my wardrobe for every new look? Do I progressively cut my hair shorter and shorter until I buzz it at the end? I’m not sure yet.
I’m in Salt Lake City for Alt Summit, and happen to have a hair appointment today. Maybe I should do something simple to start things off — like get bangs cut.
We’ll see. It’s easy to type, but making physical changes actually takes some guts (at least for me). Even simple things like bangs can feel like a huge change and take some time to get used to.
Okay. That was a long post. Thanks for sticking with it, because I’d really love your thoughts and feedback. What do you think of the idea? Would you find it interesting to see someone (me) try on completely different looks for weeks at a time over the course of a year? Do you have any interest in discussions about beauty and identity and grooming and how we perceive ourselves? Is this an important conversation to you? Should I cut bangs today, or should I wait and do something more extreme for the first change? Have you ever thought of changing your appearance in a significant way? Let me know if this post sparks any ideas for you!
P.S. — For my actual birthday, at my request, we kept it really low-key. I didn’t want a party, I didn’t want any gifts. We thought about going out, but it suddenly felt like a lot of pressure, like it had to be fabulous since it was the big 4 0. So I decided to go super laid-back instead. Ben and the kids made breakfast in bed and sang happy birthday, which was delightful, but other than that it was a normal Saturday. Errands and laundry, and prepping for Alt Summit. I didn’t even Instagram that day! : ) For those of you who have had landmark birthdays (30, 40, 50, etc.), did you feel pressure to do something big?
I turn 34 in a couple of weeks and a year ago I died my hair red, with a Rogue-ish streak of blonde in the front. I’d always avoided doing something drastic to my ashy blonde hair, simply because of the maintenance. But, I love it. It feels edgy enough and keeps me from feeling like I’ve let myself go. That, and sunglasses. Red hair and sunglasses and I’m suddenly feeling like cool mom, even in pj’s.
I think I was waiting for the wrong reasons, but they sounded so very much like the right ones at the time.
And my very favorite beauty splurge was going to an upscale salon before I got married and getting a full blown make-up tutorial. I’d done mall counter demos before, but this was another level (and so elegant & natural w/ perfect advice for crazy smoky eyes and super red lips too).
I hope you have fun.
I HIGHLY recommend giving up on shaving your legs. I am 42, and haven’t shaved in 14 years and it was the best decision I ever unconsciously made! I just forgot to shave for a couple weeks and then noticed that I didn’t have that much hair anyway (I didn’t know, because I had been shaving since I was 13 yrs old, when I really didn’t have any hair). So I never shaved again, and I have never regretted it. I can still look stylish, but there’s no more sharp stubble, and I have more time to spend on other things.
Happy birthday, Gabrielle! You are always so inspiring! I love the idea of changing things up at 4.0. :) And blonde sounds fun … you can always dye it back! The opposite of #BrunetteProblems :)
I have had natural grey hair since my 30s and have never coloured it. I am 44 years old and get compliments almost every day on how young I look and how people love my hair colour. Other women my age tell me that they have been watching me for years and now have the courage to go natural ( no more dye) …they love it too and look fantastic. It is very liberating to let your natural beauty shine. I also do not wear make-up except for special occasions and then it is so minimal. My skin is healthier for it.
Turning forty was the best birthday….more confidence and security in what I truly believe is important in life for me and for my family. …not concerned about what others are doing or how I compare….also very liberating. I am enjoying being 40 way more than the competitiveness of being in my 30s. The year I turned forty I bought a pair of kick-ass high leather boots…expensive….but make me feel like a million bucks and that I can take on anything that life throws my way.
Looking forward to peeks at your “year of experiments”
I actually love the idea. I’d probably wouldn’t go all crazy with bleaching or harsh treatments, but you can play a lot with styling. Curls, straight, trying out tutorials from youtube, etc. I look forward to the new section!!
I am turning 40 next week. My sister is 6 years older than me and she lost her mind when she turned 40 so I’ve had a few years to think about this impending event. In an effort to avoid being passive aggressive and having unrealistic expectations I decided to just take the year in hand and wring every last drop out of this birthday.
First: I made my hair longer. I alway wanted really long hair and it just never seems to get very far past my shoulders. So 3 months before my birthday I invested a celebrity sum into ‘mermaid hair’ (I was calling it stripper hair in my mind but I had to edit that for my 4 daughters). It is life changing. I wash and dry and curl it once a week which takes 45 minutes, and it looks amazing every minute of every other day. I can only afford to do it once and I saved for it for 3 years but it was totally worth it. I’ve taken lots of pictures.
Second: I have brutal eyelashes and it always bothered me. So now I go for eyelash extensions once a month. To finance this, I stopped going to Starbucks, which is a win-win.
Third: squats
Fourth: planning my own birthday party. My favourite thing to do is dance all night and eat street food, so I hired a DJ and a Mexican food truck and invited everyone I know. I hope they come.
Fifth: I planned and executed a spa weekend with 4 women I’ve been friends with for 20 years. I don’t like spas but they do and it was so nice to sit around in hot tubs and loungers and really talk.
Sixth: investing in my marriage. My lovely husband deserves more attention and now that we don’t have any babies anymore I have no excuses. I had gotten out of the habit of touching him or speaking to him lovingly so now I’m focusing on getting back into the habit. It seems to be working.
Seven: not worrying if I seem shallow. I know I’m not. I know that the last decade has been about the children and the one before that was about getting educated and the one coming up will be full of challenges, but right now I can worry about myself and I don’t have to apologize for that.
Happy Birthday to both of us. 40 will be Fabulous!
Yes.
And happy birthday.
My thirtieth is coming up and up and up and I’m not sure what to do about it.
But this post is a really big, wonderful, yes.
Thank you for the post. I think it is an interesting idea. I jyst went from very long hair to a really short cut with bangs. I have not had bangs since I was 12. It is great and I have not regretted it. In fact that night I painted my toe nails( something I have not done in years). It has helped pull me back a bit from the abyss of not caring about my appearance. Thank goodness! I look forward to reading and finding out what you do.
I LOVE this idea. When I was 24 years old I decided to shave my head and donate my hair. It was just something I’d always wanted to do; to know what it felt like to have a shaved head. I had a one-year old and was going to BYU at the time, my parents were afraid people would think I was a lesbian (a recurrent fear for them I think. hah.), but really, people were super nice to me. No one ever said anything mean about it.
In fact, I loved the experience so much that it’s part of a cycle I plan on revisiting-grow-out, shave, grow-out, shave. Currently in the grow-out stage.
I like you, Gabrielle. I like the honest, thoughtful way you put your thoughts out there. And this topic is something I’ve been thinking about. I’m 38 and the mother of 6. My sister recently challenged me to run the Yellowstone Half Marathon with her and I thought: I don’t run. Why would I do that to myself? But I want to do amazing things. So I signed up and as I was training I gradually became fascinated with this woman in the mirror. Who is she? She is glowing! Her skin is golden and her body is slimmer and when did she get so many many many freckles? I found myself grooming more because I liked this feeling. Nails, shaved legs, exfoliate, etc. But less and less make up and hair worry. I have felt like the healthy glow is enough. I didn’t even think of myself as unhealthy before but in hind sight I realize I was. So now I don’t feel as much pressure but I feel much more attractive. I let my hair air dry. I just wear mascara and bb cream most of the time. But I feel like there has been this major transformation. My husband gets comments in public about his six beautiful daughters and I realize they are including me! We have five girls and one son. I wonder if some of the getting dolled up we do is to compensate for a less than healthy self? I know for me it was. Though to answer your question I would not hesitate to have Audrey Hepburn eyebrows and eyelashes. Sigh.
I heart you! I will also be turning 40 – next month. I also “assumed that I would have mastered these basic tasks by the age of forty.” I haven’t and it’s something I also have been thinking about lately. I just go with the flow and will attempt to primp when there’s a big event or something special at my sons school. I’m not sure what will come to fruition with these thoughts but the fact that I’m thinking about it is a start…I suppose.
Happy belated birthday to you.
I went to Alt Summit for my 40th!
http://myhyggelig.blogspot.com/2012/02/celebrating-40-hyggelig-style.html
I find that all my early-40-something friends are facing the same struggles as me, and that is always comforting (I think). Ready for career change/but need to save money. Thinking of expanding our investments so we can think of life outside the cubicle. Want to slow down/but can’t ~not quite yet. Less willing to take big risks like in our 20s/but want to ~ maybe in our 50s. It’s a weird in-between zone that you have to manage and take charge of, because you are only in your 40s once!
I’m turning 45 this year and recently watched a few 50-year-old friends have very difficult birthdays – mourning the loss of their youth, complaining about the things they never did, etc. It was slightly depressing. I decided to complete a few goals that I know would really bother me if I didn’t finish them by the time I was 50. It is very energizing and I’m excited to see what the next 5 years brings!
It’s funny because this is a subject I have been thinking about all year as well. I think it might be really fun to have pink hair but I’m not sure if I’m brave enough to pull it off at 37. I also desperately want to go red, but what color of red, and do I have the money to keep touching up the roots? How about dark brown or black, that might be fun. Part of me wants really long hair (hard for me to do with my fine, straight hair) and another part wants to chop it all off for a pixie cut. I would love to see any changes you make, maybe it will inspire me to go ahead and take the plunge with all of my ideas! Happy birthday!
Love this topic! I felt a strong urge around the time I was going to turn 40 to embrace self-care in many ways. I made more time for acupuncture, massages, pedicures and general grooming of doing my hair, make-up, heathful, diet, exercise, etc. I think a lot of this urge has to do also with coming into the perimenopausal years as well as simply having more time for these types of things now that my children don’t need me every second of every day :-)
I have to admit i was disappointed in this post. i like your blog because it seems more authentic and down-to-earth than most other mommy/shelter blogs out there and more forgiving and empowering to women. when i think of your blog in my mind’s eye i see happy kids who are interested in numerous different (interesting) things, a couple who is in love, and a mother who is beautiful and self-assured. something my own mother always instilled in me is that beauty comes from within. i am turning 35 this year and i don’t look like i did in my twenties! something that surprises me and disappoints me. however, as i have gotten older i have realized that i feel most beautiful– not when i have a great shade of lipstick on or a new haircut– but right after a swim in a river, when i am flush with the pride of successfully arguing something in court (i am an attorney and mother), when i am totally relaxed and laughing with my kids. isn’t this the kind of beauty we want to instill in our daughters? the beauty of doing, being, and living beautifully? on mommy-blogs there is a lot of lip service paid to “ban bossy” “how to talk to little girls” but at the end of the day we are all still talking about how we look instead of what we are doing. anyway, i still love your blog, and i appreciate the real, authentic posts, and i think you are beautiful no matter the haircut or eyeshadow application.
This is something I have been thinking about lately too, I am 33. I have been struggling with finding my “look.” Now that I am entering a new phase in life where we aren’t poor students anymore, I feel like I am supposed to look the part, but don’t. I feel like I look like a college student still. Messy waves, minimal make up, and jeans and tees. As moms, we rarely have moments to think about these things and figure it out. I am hoping to find that little black dress, get a more “refined” hair style, learn to do makeup, and just find my signature look, classic and timeless and age appropriate. Supposedly French women stick to the look that suits them and don’t change around too much. I am getting closer to finding what is best for my hair/face shape, and what types of clothing best suit my body shape. I think people respond most to how you are FEELING….if you are feeling very confident, they see that…..if you go blonde and feel insecure about it, people will respond more to that, in my opinion, than the coloring. However, when I go blonde, women are not as friendly to me….the second I go brunette, SUPER friendly! Not sure why.
I love experimenting with my style and look, although I have done less in the hair department after kids. I would love to see you do this. On the topic of beauty, and self-care, I just wrote a piece that seems relevant. Good luck on your year of grooming and exploration! http://growingfamily.typepad.com/growing_family/2014/07/the-strength-of-me.html
When my 50th b’day was coming I was surprised at how fine I felt about it. I always pictured 50 as something to dread. Instead I felt it was such a celebration that I did 2 things for myself.
1) I threw my own birthday party. Just lots of friends over to celebrate with me. Picked all my favorite stuff.
2) I did something I’ve always wanted to do – a marathon painting challenge. So I chose to paint a portrait at day for 50 days. Submitted photos from anyone who followed me were what I chose from. It turned out people sent photos of more than one individual so it turned into 50 Faces in 50 Days. It was hard but I loved it. Then I gave them away to the people who sent in the photos. http://www.shannonsstudio.com/blog/archives/08-2012
50 was fabulous for me! I think making a plan you’re so excited about makes all the difference.
Turning 40 in two months! My philosophy for a long time has been: do what you need to do to feel beautiful in the morning, and then forget about it for the rest of the day. I love beautiful things – people, gardens, paintings – so I feel better if I feel beautiful. But it gets exhausting to think about it all the time, and that can happen if you are trying too hard or too little.