Nathan Ripperger says things to his kids, and then turns his words into posters. They’re so spot-on they make me giggle! Have you ever said something to your kids and then realized how ridiculous it sounds? Please share! I love hearing stuff like that.
Thanks to Design Taxi for introducing me to Nathan’s work.
If you keep eating your boogers then that’s all you’re having for dessert!
Quit putting your snot in your brother’s mouth. Eat your OWN snot!
Great post! I overheard a mom in a store recently say “Oh honey, you’re not Irish, you were just born on St. Patrick’s Day.” I’m still cracking up at that one.
My recent faves are,
“DO NOT put your shark in the applesauce.”
and
“Ask Matthew if you can borrow his chainsaw. Before you turn it on.”
She is not a Sith Lord, she is your sister.
What a genius he is!
There have been similar Star Wars themed ones as some of the above at my house recently but none I can really quote. Best thing I can think of was on Christmas when my boys were playing with one’s new Zombie Pirate set and I said, “Let your brother do some shooting.”
I’m not a mother yet but I’ve worked in daycares and as a nanny for 10+ years and I the the most recurring statement out of my mouth would be “I am NOT a tissue!”
but B.! When you become a mom you WILL be a tissue!! It is totally different when it is your own kids boogers. :)
My 3 year old is suddenly obsessed with all things poop related and wants to talk about it ALL DAY. Many, many times a day I say ‘No, we don’t eat poop!’
“We do not tie any thing to any part of anyone’s body.”
“We do not use Unforgivable Curses in this house.”
“Buddy, my nipple is NOT a doorbell.”
My kids are very oral and I spend a lot of time saying “stop licking the wall, your sister, your sleeves etc.” The best one was the other day when I told my son –
“Stop licking your fingers. They are dirty!” He responded “No they aren’t! I just washed them because I was picking my butt. “
I’m always amazed at myself when this comes out:
To child 1: “Don’t hit your sister!” and to child 2: “Oh stop crying, she didn’t hit you that hard.”
Or the ridiculous empty threat of: “If you keep that up, I’m going to keep you home from school tomorrow!”
Or the sleep deprived nonsense Yogi Berra-like statements like ” If you don’t finish your dinner, I’m going to take it away.”
ha! love all of these! Just today I had to tell my daughter “that’s your fork, not a comb!”
It’s actually a dinglehopper if used in that manner.
Several years ago we were at a SYTYCD tour show and in the public restroom (during the performance, just 2 other women were in there so it was very quiet). My then three-year-old daughter asked loudly, “Mom, why do you have GRASS down there?” While washing hands at the sink after flushing, I nervously glanced down the counter where the other two women were laughing their heads off silently, so as not to add to the offense!
One I recall saying today is “stop eating the phone book!”
since my sis gave up the internet for lent, i’ll have to tell her story:
the niece has an obsession with putting things in her mouth, and she has a stuffed jesus doll, thus: “please take jesus out of your mouth”.
she blogs at theiowafarmerswife.blogspot.com
“We do not put our boogers on the fridge.”
“No, Max, you may NOT put your boggies in my tea!”
Ugh “Boogies, not boggies”
“Your mother is not a popsicle!” (Stop licking me!)
Haha that is hilarious! And so true. What a great idea. x
I’ve said more than just once, “stop licking the outlets”
These made my roar with laughter! I have to start writing my comments down! But two things that are said by me at least 30 times a day is:
“get your hands out of your pants”
and
“get your mouth off that”
“get your head out of my shirt” usually in public
“no belly in public” my DD has to ‘feel’ my belly all the time (for comfort)
I know, not too original or funny so I’ll have to write them down as they are said.
i was just now looking for the right place to put last night’s quotes.
my 16 son.”Mom this is not a nightclub!”
my 12 daughter. “Breasts are funny, especially when they are accidental!
This is a whole conversation of absurdity that I just had with my 3 year old son:
My son: Do giraffes have bums?
Me: Yes, giraffes have bums.
My son: (bites his stuffed giraffe)
Me: Liam, don’t bite the giraffe’s bum.
My son: Why?!?
Me: Oh, Buddy, there are *so* many reasons why we don’t bite bums…
After *much* frustration when my daughter (then 5) had continually squeezed a stuffed animal’s foot to make it laugh histerically (cute at first, not so much after 582 times), I could be heard saying, “Shut the duck up and sit down and eat your dinner!”
There was a slight pause, and then an eruption of laughter as we all figured out what it sounded like. I felt like a horrible parent! And the youngest ones just sat there wondering why everyone was laughing.
tears streaming down my face! so funny!!!
I can’t stop crying I’m laughing so hard. Especially thinking about your five year old’s expression.
“No french fries till you eat your chicken nuggets!” (as if one was more “healthy” than the other!)
also the classic hypocritical parent: “Don’t hit or I’ll spank you!”
and finally “That’s not funny!” when it usually totally is but I’m just not in the mood for silliness :-)
I don’t know if it has the same effect in english, but today it happened to me to tell this to my 5yo daughter: “Wake up, it’s time to go to sleep”… in italian “wake up” also means “hurry up”, or “get ready”, but when I heard myself telling this I felt stupid… :)
I can’t wait to show my husband this when he comes home. Here’s a goldie oldie from my mother:
A little girl was being loud and noisy in class at church. My mom took her into the hall and said “you can’t go back in until you’re reverent.”
Little girl responds “but my shoes are in there!”
Mom, “your shoes are reverent, they’re in class.”
I love these. One of my family classics is “Come on smell under my fingernails!”
When my kids were between the ages of 5-10 (4 of them) I would tell them “I cant wait til you grow up and have houses of your own!! Im going to come visit and jump on your beds, flick boogers at your walls, and lick every window in your house!!” The first time I said that my oldest daughter just stared at me, then flounced away almost in tears.She yelled back at me, “Im NEVER! inviting you to my house. NEVER!” Now that the youngest is 12 its a standard saying in the house. Usually one of them will purposely do something,like lick a window right in front of me and then just stare at me, waiting for me to say it! Ahhh, tradition,lol.
Recently in my house as I carried my 19 month old (him giggling), “stop squeezing my boob, it’s not a toy!”
We don’t decorate with unraveled scrubbies! What? you were having a party in your sisters crib?
Don’t jump on the couch you will break your head off!
No we don’t put sucker sticks in the screw holes in the livingroom wall.
Daddy can’t take kitty to work in his van just because uncle takes his dog around in the back of his truck.
If you hit your sister again I will spank you.
When we were pregnant with our first we were watching a birthing show on Tv with my mother. When a woman on the show pudly announced she was witnessing the birth of her eighteenth grandchild we asked my mother what her response would be in that situation. Just as my teenage brother was coming into the room she yelled “everybody gets vasectomies for Christmas! ” the look on his face was priceless!
I knew I made comments like these all day long but couldn’t think of any on demand. So here’s mine from last night when we all went outside with glow sticks to look at the stars in the sky.
I said to my son:
“Stop poking my butt with your glowstick or I’m taking it away!”
I made the mistake of reading these while in a somber waiting room at the hospital…I started giggling uncontrollably and had to leave. Hilarious! And brightened my morning for sure (brings back memories too-I’ll have to think of some from my little kid days)
I love these!! Especially the “don’t lick my arm” one!
xo
cortnie
Last night at dinner: You have broccoli in your eye.
A couple of years ago my frustrated husband said this to our ADHD-addled 3 year old son: Stop acting like a child!
(Regarding a minion on “Despicable Me”)–“That’s just way he is. Some people only have one eye.”
“You can’t marry daddy because mommy is already married to him.” That seemed like the simplest explanation.
“Stop beating your brother with your Bible.”
“I don’t have a tissue with me. Just put your boogers in my pocket.” (I seriously need to get tissues because I say that one a lot.)
“You can’t have any more carrots until you eat something with fat.” (also said about every other day)
“No, sweetie, kitties can’t use sippy cups.”
And during diaper changes:
“Go walk around and air out your booty.”
One I wind up saying a lot is, “stop double picking your nose, that’s weird.”
If it’s under skin it doesn’t come out.
Another classic is “I don’t care if he thinks it’s funny, you can’t ” whatever they are trying to do to the youngest.
“did your brain fall out? Then you’ll survive.”
Although my girls are now grown, my first daughter was very precocious. When she was only 2-1/2, I asked if she wanted more vegetables and she replied, “No, perhaps later.” Who says “perhaps”?
Another time I asked her about an incident, and she replied, “Oh Mom, it must be your imagination!”
Out of the mouths of babes. . . .
“STOP YELLING!”
“Son, there’s a pickle on your collar”
So funny! I’ve had to say to my daughter, ‘No honey, you’re not a kitty, please don’t pee in the litter box’ and ‘The baby does not want to eat your toes, please stop sticking them in his mouth’. That second one I say more often than I’d like to lol.
ALL TIME FAVORITE CONVERSATION!!!
Christopher (5 yrs old)
“Mom, where do mad cows come from?”
Mom (very puzzlingly)
“Why would you ask a question like that?”
Christopher
“Well, if brown cows make chocolate milk, and happy cows come from California…. then where do mad cows come from?
My 6 yr old son pointed to my boobs and said “What are these for? Milking? You’re not using them for that.”
I said “No, not for milk anymore”
To which he casually replied “Then what are they for? Decoration?”