I read an interesting opinion piece in the LA Times titled Why Do We Make Children Sleep Alone. In case you don’t get a chance to read it, the basic premise is this:
“For all the tenacity with which we cling to the ideal of solitary childhood sleep, it’s a historical anomaly. This system of sleeping — adults in one room, each child walled off in another — was common practice exactly nowhere before the late 19th century, when it took hold in Europe and North America. ” And, “Our sleep, in other words, has a large carbon footprint. Far from being a backward practice, co-sleeping, or at least sleeping in close proximity, may be a more enlightened, sustainable use of space and natural resources.”
The article struck me, because though I’ve had many conversations over the years about co-sleeping — how long we preferred to keep babies in the same room/same bed, and how we handle siblings sharing a room — I’ve never thought about the history of sleep or considered that there are modern cultures where still today, family members all sleep in one room.
I’ll be honest, it’s hard for me to even imagine beyond baby and toddlerhood. I can picture it working in a pre-electricity time, when people of all ages went to bed with the sun. But these days, it seems like adults rarely go to sleep at the same time as their children — so even if they sleep in the same room, falling asleep together at the same time seems unlikely.
What about you? Have you ever thought about the history of sleep, or considered that our tradition of separate bedrooms is a historical anomaly? And what’s your take on our contemporary version of co-sleeping? Do your babies (or did your babies) share a bed with you for a few months? A few years? Or if not a bed, do they (or did they) sleep in your room?
P.S. — When I shared photos of our girls’ bedroom with four beds in row, it stressed some readers out as they worried about privacy for our older kids.
We never intended to have a family bed and tried so many different sleep methods in the early months (much to the chagrin of our NYC neighbors). We finally saw a pediatrician who told us that some children simply won’t be trained and suggested that we make peace with co-sleeping and that our son would eventually outgrow it. It took 4 years, but the doctor was right. He eased out of our bed when he was ready, took a great deal of pride in being able to sleep alone when he decided he wanted to, and he’s a champion sleeper now. In hindsight, I’m grateful we gave up sleep training. My son is such a loving, physically affectionate child who still swoops in for a cuddle now and then. It all goes so fast, and with the pre-teen years upon us, I think I’ll always be glad we had that foundation.
My kids have always slept in their own rooms because both like quiet, dark, noiseless caves for sleeping. They have always been welcome to join us in our room if they wake in the middle of the night and want comfort. In reality what this looked like was a little one showing up some time during the six o’clock hour and having a little nap with mommy and daddy before we all woke to begin our day.
Now that they are older, they sleep past us :)
I was second oldest in a family of 8. My older sister was deathly afraid of spiders and spent most night in my room. We were the only 2 to have our own, so I was a bit annoyed. No one was allowed to go into my parents room after lights out and it took me many years to figure out why:) Now I have 5 kids and they have rarely had to share. My middle child has always had her own room. She is in a sorority now and when she was rushing, we were introduced to the concept of the cold dorm. My husband was horrified by the idea of 75 girls sharing a bunk room. My daughter said she had always wanted roommates. Of course we learn that now. One of my kids asked me when I was going to be grown up enough to have my own room. We are in the process of downsizing and this will be a point of contention for the 2 still at home.
We co sleep with our infant (she has a co sleeper by our bed but ends up with us when she needs to nurse). Our two year old comes into our room (he can let himself in!) at some point during the night.
Also, my dad worked the night shift growing up so I slept next to my mom for forever! I am pretty sure she preferred it that way!
This is such an interesting read… I am sure it is all cultural preference. We have a two bedroomed home, and ten in the family… my older boys are in one room… and my daughters have another… my little kids still like to sleep in our big family bed. It works for us. Honestly they grow up so fast and I imagine that my hubs and I are not going to know what to do in our home when it is just the two of us. Honestly millions of folk the world over, live in a one roomed home and I am guessing they all sleep. We just figured that our bedrooms were sleeping and our kitchen is a massive room where we spend most of our indoor time. That being said… we live in a climate (Cape Town, South Africa) where outdoor living is kind of the norm and my kids spend almost all day outside everyday.
I actually love co-sleeping. So much so that my husband is building us a custom family bed. My boy/girl twins have always shared a room but our son hates being alone in his bed and loves to snuggle. How can I say no to his arms around me in the middle of the night? They are seven by the way. We usually read a story and then let them drift off to sleep in our bed. Sometimes they choose to go to their beds or sleepily stumble back into ours. Either way is fine with us! They won’t want us this way forever so I’ll take what I can get!!
Only after leaving home and out of dorm life did I realize how lonely sleeping by myself is! I had such insomnia when my roommates would be out of town that I had to get a snuggly cat. Now married, without children, I still have trouble sleeping when my husband is traveling overnight. I usually get the dogs into bed with me to help.
I am also a nanny now for 10 years and have seen so many different sleeping arrangements! It seems like anything that works, works! Having children sleeping is the most accomplished feeling of the entire day. I think that each waking personality has its own accompanying sleep personality- and this seems to prove itself with each baby I meet. As people get to know and live with each other, they find what works the best for them. Heck, even my three dogs have their own preferred sleeping spots. Why would it be different for humans. Some of us like to be together and some of us like to be alone. Some like cavelike rooms and some like screened in porches.
I get the best sleep when someone is rhythmically snoring next to me. A roommate typing away or guitar a couple rooms away will put me to sleep any day! What a fascinating topic.
Some of most creative sleeping arrangements work the best- so find what works for you and those you live with and don’t pay any attention to where you’re “supposed to” be sleeping.
We share a one bedroom and so our five year old has her bed next to ours. We all go to sleep at different times so it works out really well for us. When she has a bad dream or is sick in the night we are right there.
I always had my own room and wasn’t allowed in my parents room and often felt quite alone. I loved the idea that other cultures co-sleep and I wanted a sleeping space for everyone. We really don’t use our bedroom for anything other than sleeping and dressing.
My sister and I shared a room with one bed until I was seven and then we moved to a house with our own rooms. She came for “a sleepover’ one night early on and stayed until we were almost in high school. It worked for us although we had our fair share of kicking each other, etc. We had our own space when we wanted it though. My poor dad would hit the couch when one of us was sick or couldn’t sleep, so we could sleep with Mom, but that was rare. I always had my first sleep in his room next to ours until my second came. She slept in the nursery then and he slept in his room. For the next four or five years our oldest slept on our floor almost all night. We just went with it as long as everyone was sleeping. My husband and I split ways when he developed sleep apnea. In the last year, my oldest has moved to sleeping with his sister in her room and my husband is back thanks to the wonderful cpap. We are sleeping and loving each other and I know it will change again. Family life is always adapting – especially in the area of sleep!
I have four kids (two boys and two girls). The two oldest used to share a room and loved it so much that when we moved to a bigger place (and had two more children) they suggested we should put two king sized beds next to each other where ALL SIX of us could sleep together :) It’s a sweet idea even though I have a feeling we wouldn’t all get a good sleep. Now the older two have separate rooms and the youngest two share a room where they themselves pushed their toddler beds next to each other. Sharing is good and I’m definitely pro co-sleeping.
I find it interesting that much of the discussion regarding room-sharing has been around differing bedtimes. It’s our differing waking times that concern me! My husband and I both work traditional hours outside the home and we both use alarm clocks. I *may* have ‘snooze button’ addiction as well. After we wake (at separate times), we each use the en-suite bathroom to get read for our day. There is no way either of our kids would sleep through the light/showers/shaving/flushing of a busy morning.
We are fortunate enough to have bedrooms large enough to accommodate queen sized beds and our home was partially furnished when we bought it. As a result our kids have giant beds! It allows my husband and I to lie down and sleep with them as needed, but also gives us the freedom to wake back up and head to our own bed without disturbing the sleeping kiddo.
I’m so glad this article was written because we really need a reframing of co-sleeping in the US to be understood as a biological norm (not a danger, not a relationship killer) and an aspect of parenting that has real benefits for the entire family especially children. I also wonder if our desire to impose solitary sleeping on children from a very young age is one of many factors in our epidemic levels of anxiety and depression in our culture. I read somewhere that Japan has some of the highest rates of co-sleeping and it happens to be one of the least violent societies in the world. So many interesting conversations related to this topic. Thanks for bringing it up!
I grew up in a one-room apartment in Moscow, where all of us (my parents and my 2 siblings) slept in the same room. My parents would put us to bed and then go sit in the kitchen, which was a tiny room off the entryway. But it had a door, so they could watch a small television or talk or my mom, who’s a teacher, would grade papers and prepare lessons. When we moved to America, our relatives — who had been here for five years already — encouraged us to go big, and we rented a three-bedroom townhouse. I was 13 and very quickly got used to all the space. My mom cringes every time we talk about the dinky Moscow apartment.
My four kids all slept in our room and our bed when they were younger. It wasn’t our original plan, it just evolved. However, it spared us the worry of trying to reach a helpless child in the event of an earthquake or fire.
I have never been opposed to co-sleeping with my children, but for some reason I never slept well with a baby in bed with me. Now I crave the time of being close with just my husband – as I see the kids a lot more during the day and need my adult time at night.
But growing up in a big family, I’ve come to not like being too alone, so I would always rather share a room than not.
I have two girls and two boys and we just moved to a house where the two sets will be sharing a room as long as we live here – and that’s just how I like it. They hate sleeping apart from each other and I love that. It also makes traveling more convenient and less expensive (fewer hotel rooms) and I’m convinced it makes them better sleepers to learn to sleep through the noises other people make. There are challenges, of course, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
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I posted this thought awhile back.
Last year when our parents visited our home, we decided to free up a room for them by lining up our own beds in a row. Our master br was large. We had a 7 & 1 yr old then.
We never slept so deeply and peacefully. A temporary logistical setup ended up a permanent decision. As for different bed times, we each had one but did not have a challenge. We each tucked in at our own time. That said our bedrooms have always been sleep only sanctuaries. We do not have any play, reading, sex, or other people in our bedrooms. They are a haven for sleep. Our co-sleeping arrangement was easy from that point of view.
I had all four of my kids in under 5 years (crazy, I know!) and now they are ages 3, 4, 6, and 8. They are all four in one bedroom currently (two bunk beds). They all four struggle going to sleep if I’m not in the room (sigh), and both my girls (and occasionally the boys) really struggle to make it through the night in their own beds. They want to be where i am. It’s hard. To be honest, most nights after the three year old crawls into my bed, I take her back to her bed and finish the night in her bed. She and I sleep better like that than in the bigger bed with my husband. But I’d really prefer sleeping all night with my husband. I wonder all the time how I’m going to “fix” the sleep mess we seem to be in. When will my kids go to bed without me?! When will they sleep all night without me? I am a snugglier sleeper than my husband, so I don’t mind as much as he does. And I know I’ll always treasure these years, but I do sometimes wonder if someday I’ll have teenagers sleeping on my floor haha.
Co-sleeping with my babies became a definite “no” after a frightening experience I had with one of my babies. Not worth the risk. Plus, my marriage would suffer if I didn’t have that alone time with my husband. As far as kids sharing bedrooms – I think it totally depends on the kids themselves, and their ages. When my kids were younger, they shared bedrooms, but as they’ve grown older, they are loving having their own space. I hated sharing a room with my little sister and loved it when the older kids moved out so we could have our own bedroom.
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I never thought I would sleep with my kids, and after a few months of having the baby in our bedroom in a cradle/bassinet, we dutifully moved the baby into a crib. My older daughter slept in her crib for over a year without problem, then turned 2, started climbing out of it, and has slept in our bed ever since (she’ll be five in June). My youngest daughter slept in our room as a baby and then made a similar transition to her crib and seems to be very happy there. Sometimes I wonder if she’ll feel left out knowing that the three of us sleep in a king size bed in one room and she sleeps alone in her crib, but even when I’m rocking her, she’ll point to the crib when she’s ready to lie down and say “I love you! Good night!” as I’m leaving the room, whereas her sister would have to be asleep before we put her in the crib or have one of us pat her back until she fell asleep.
We continue with this arrangement right now because it won’t last forever and because it works. I don’t want bedtime to be a battleground (anymore than the usual toothbrushing and winding down can already be). No one is sad or uncomfortable about bedtime, and it’s another a reminder of how different my kids are from one another.
I hope that when my kids get older they will eventually share a room and I’ll reclaim my own bed, but my daughter is such a sound sleeper that once she’s asleep, my husband and I can talk, read, and watch TV without disturbing here. (And we find other locations for any additional activities). So for now, I treasure those cuddles with her.
This is something on my mind lately. We have three boys: a 4 year old and twins who are nearly 2. Over the last month or two my singleton has been asking at bedtime why he has to sleep alone and that he doesn’t want to sleep by himself.
He has slept in his own room since he was 6 months old but recently it seems he’s become aware that everyone else in the house shares a room. I’m starting to wonder if he should be moved in with his brothers for a little while.
When me and my sister were young, we shared the same room with my parents. Our bunk bed was placed beside their bed and we lived like this until we finally moved to our own home when I was around eleven years old and my sister at seven. In our new place, we had our own room, which was such a delight for us. Maybe, for my daughter, I would slowly introduce the thought of having her own room to her, but I won’t force it on her. Once she has the initiative and decides to have her own room, that’s the time that we will push through with having her sleep alone.
I am the 5th of 8, so I never had my own room. I thought it was fun to share. I’ve always imagined a room like you made for all the kids, but our houses have yet to agree! Add to that we have 3 girls followed by a boy. I think the sharing works best if everyone is doing it, and I agree with Maude that 4 in a room get along better than 2 and 2. As for sleeping with us? no. Not gonna happen. As babies it often happened for middle-of-the-night wake ups, but not as they got older.
Also, I loved your dorm design for the girls room, I think it is fun!
For us, it’s a matter of economics. With 4 people in a 500 sq ft apartment, we all sleep in the only bedroom. We have a full size bed and my girls, 12 & 9, are in a bunk bed. It doesn’t bother me. In college, I was in a sorority and about 50 of us slept in the sleeping porch.
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I heard that children may later have a problem in staying alone in their room and falling asleep by themselves. I know, however, that for many mothers this is the only solution, because child will sleep only with them. In such a case, it is worth using the methods of learning to fall asleep – maybe it helps. I myself used the Hold with Love (HWL) method. I even read a short book about it, by Susan Urban. It made it easier for me to teach falling alone asleep my second child, I can also recommend it.
I know the book! I also used this one when decided to drop on co-sleeping. It was a great help, and started working in just few nights. The author is a magician!
We bed-shared and I loved it! Although after going back to work it got a bit complicated. I guess our grand-grand-grand mother did not have this problem…
Anyway – that’s when I used Hold With Love method for sleep training and also transition to her own bed and room. It worked out just fine, much easier than I thought. I can recommend the method too.
I KNOW I’M SO LATE… LOL. BUT MY 6 (NEARLY 7) YEAR OLD DAUGHTER IS JUST NOW SLEEPING ALONE. I HAVE ALWAYS SHARED A BED WITH HER. I TRIED PUTTING HER IN A CRIB AS A BABY BUT HER LEGS WOULD END UP THROUGH THE RAILS. IT WOULD SCARE ME. SO AT ABOUT A MONTH OLD I MOVED MY MATTRESS ON TO THE FLOOR AND I DIDN’T PUT IT BACK ON THE FRAME TILL SHE WAS 2 NEARLY 3. TONIGHT IS HER FIRAT NIGHT IN HER OWN ROOM AND I THINK I’M HAVI G A HARDER TIME WITH IT THAN SHE IS 😣. IT TOOK HER 5 MIN TO FALL ASLEEP AND I’M LOOKING UP ARTICLES TO FIGURE OUT IF I DID THE RIGHT THING BY GIVING HER THIS OPPORTUNITY. I ASSURED HER THAT IM JUST A FEW FEET AWAY, (WE LIVE IN AN APARTMENT), IF SHE NEEDS ANYTHING. AND I EXPECT HER TO CRAWL IN MY BED DURING BAD WEATHER OR IF SHE HAS NIGHTMARES. I GUESS I’M JUST WANTING HER TO ALWAYS NEED ME. (I KNOW SHE’S GETTING MORE INDEPENDENT AND I’M BEING SELFISH) MAY GOD HELP ME NO SABOTAGE MY CHILDS INDEPENDENCE AND GROWTH FOR MY OWN SELFISH NEEDS.
As a middle child, I always had to share rooms with either by younger brother or older sister. At 14 years old, we moved and I got my own room which was just about the most dreamy thing I could have imagined. What I realize now is that my older sister stayed up late at night and was very restless, which kept me awake. My son slept with us until his sideways sleeping drove him out of the bed. He slept just through the wall which was great for all of us as we could hear each other breathing. The cultural aspects of cosleeping are fascinating to me. Local teachers who have worked with the Navajo community always found it amazing that on field trip overnights, all students would sleep in the same motel room with the teacher. Those who got in trouble would have to sleep ‘alone’, the most punitive experience. As with many things, there is no one way to sleep but hopefully rest is attained in all models!
Bit late to the party but I was thinking about the history of sleep this morning. My understanding is enforcing separate sleeping came from the Victorians and their prudishness. Which is strange because upper and middle class Victorians sent their kids to boarding school where they had to share dormitories. Sleeping together could have provided comfort and security during our most vulnerable part of the day – when we are asleep so historically it makes sense – safety in numbers. It does seem strange how we have moved to the notion only those deserving of comfort snd security are those in a relationship. My hunch is that the narrative and practice has more to do with the patriarchy and the perception of a husband’s conjugal rights over the wife.
I was thinking about the history of sleep this morning. My understanding is enforcing separate sleeping came from the Victorians and their prudishness. Which is strange because upper and middle class Victorians sent their kids to boarding school where they had to share dormitories. Sleeping together could have provided comfort and security during our most vulnerable part of the day – when we are asleep so historically it makes sense – safety in numbers. It does seem strange how we have moved to the notion only those deserving of comfort snd security are those in a relationship. My hunch is that the narrative and practice has more to do with the patriarchy and the perception of a husband’s conjugal rights over the wife.