By Gabrielle.
I know I linked to some #yesallwomen articles on Friday, but would you mind if we furthered the discussion a bit more? Ben Blair and I talked with the kids about the hashtag over the weekend and it’s been on mind non-stop.
If you had asked me a week ago whether or not I had been sexually harassed in my life, I would have quickly said, “No, not really.” If I’d thought about it a bit more, I would have said, “Um. Yes. There was some molesting when I was a child.” But man oh man, reading the hashtag brought back so many instances. Most are small, some feel bigger. But all are so commonplace that without the #yesallwomen hashtag, I didn’t recognize them as harassment — they are just one of the costs of existing on the earth with a vagina.
There are some memories that I didn’t bring up with the kids. We didn’t discuss the relative that would come into my bedroom when I was almost asleep, turn me onto my stomach, pull down my underwear and rub his penis between my butt cheeks. I was maybe 8 years old, and the molesting went on a couple nights a week over a period of months. When I would tell him to stop, he would tell me not to worry, it was just his thumb. (Which… what??)
As an adult, I’ve come to realize this was actually quite minor compared to what many children deal with. There was no penetration, no pain, no violence, I was super sleepy, and it didn’t seem to do any real damage to my self-image. The main consequence was that the molesting, combined with the fact that I didn’t receive a proper birds-and-bees talk, gave me an odd vision of what the mechanics of sex were. But that got sorted out when I heard more details as a teenager. So all’s well that ends well? Not sure what I’m supposed to say, except that I feel incredibly lucky it wasn’t worse. (And I promise, I am not in need of sympathy about this. Really truly. I came out of it quite unscathed. I’d rather talk about the airplane incident I detail below.)
I also didn’t tell the kids about the commute during my 6 months working in Washington D.C.. I was nineteen years old. The Metro can be insanely crowded on the morning commute, and I eventually realized I had to make a gamble — either get on a packed train car and have a complete stranger press his erection up against me, or be late to work. I still find it so gross — for me it’s equivalent to having an encounter with a flasher. Super strange that there are men that think this is okay.
Instead, I brought up two, shall we say, gentler incidents that happened to me recently, that I still don’t know how I should have handled better or differently. I thought they might be more relatable and less threatening to discuss with the kids.
First was an everyday sort of scenario, I was recently on a plane ride heading home to Oakland. It was a Southwest flight which means there were not assigned seats on the flight. It’s first come, first served, and I was in the last group to be seated. No big deal.
It was a full flight, and the seat I got was a middle seat between two men. Again, not a big deal. I fly a lot and it’s not unusual to sit by men. They were friends, and had sat on either side hoping that no one would take the middle seat so they would have extra space. No big deal. That’s a common practice on Southwest flights. Before I sat down, the man seated on the aisle looked me up and down and commented that he had been worried that whoever sat there might be fat. Men look me up and down sometimes. This was not unusual. And his comment was meant as a compliment. I wasn’t feeling talkative, but also didn’t want to be rude, so I tried to give some cues that I wasn’t feeling social — short answers, reading the inflight magazine, concentrating on my phone, yawning — I thought I was conveying that I was not interested in engaging, but he didn’t seem to see my cues, or he was really in the mood to chat. No big deal. It happens on planes all the time.
So I started talking about my 6 kids and my amazing husband hoping that it would be really clear that I was not available nor interested. Instead of shutting down the conversation, this brought more comments about my body along the lines of: you’re looking good for someone with six kids, most women… blah, blah, blah. No big deal. Men comment on my body frequently. He also seemed to be a touchy kind of person, so while he talked to me and he would put his hand on my leg. Throughout the flight. Over and over again. Whenever he talked to me, and whenever he leaned over me to talk to his friend, he would touch me. No big deal. He wasn’t trying to hurt me.
But why in the world wouldn’t this behavior be a big deal?!! Why did a perfect stranger feel that it was totally fine to touch me as often as he liked? Why is it no big deal that he would assume I welcomed his commentary on my body and on women’s bodies in general? Why it it no big deal that these two friends essentially forced me to sit between them? Why is it no big deal that his desire to talk to me trumped my desire to not talk to him?
I wasn’t sure what to do, or if I should do anything at all. I didn’t feel safe. I wasn’t comfortable with the leg-touching, but I was pretty sure he didn’t mean it to be threatening. I was trapped between the two men, two friends, both were bigger than me. The one on the aisle was turned toward me, so I was truly blocked in. My thoughts went back and forth. Should I ignore the touching? I didn’t feel comfortable with it, but then again, I wasn’t in pain, it wasn’t violent, and it wasn’t an especially long flight. There are much worse experiences that people have every day, so on a spectrum should this even be acknowledged?
And I could say something, but it’s a risk — the reaction could go either way. And what should I say: “Please don’t touch me.”? Maybe he would apologize and behave better, or maybe he would get angry or offended because he was feeling rejected. Either way, it would likely make for an uncomfortable remaining flight for everyone. Or worse: What if I said something and he turned out to be violent and followed me off the plane? Should I call a flight attendant and ask to be reseated? And if I did that, would I also need to be escorted by security once we landed because I was scared this guy was going to bug me as I walked through the airport to curbside pickup because I “turned him in” to the flight attendant? Should I just endure it? Is saying something worth making this guy feel like a jerk? Was he just a touchy feel-y person? Would he have touched a man’s leg just as much?
I didn’t end up doing anything. And I was so mad I didn’t do anything! I know about being assertive, and I felt like I ultimately chickened out. But I still don’t know what would have been the ideal thing. Was it worth taking a risk that I might anger him? I have a really hard time gauging that sort of thing.
Example number two that we discussed as a family is elevators. When I’m staying in a hotel and I’m alone on an elevator, if it stops on any floor that’s not the lobby, I find myself wishing/praying a man I don’t know, or group of men, don’t get on with me. It so often makes me feel unsafe and I start running through self-defense or escape scenarios. There’s simply no way to tell the good guys from the bad guys. Do I make eye contact and act really confident? Do I make no eye contact and try to draw no notice to myself? My instinct is typically confidence, but sometimes it can backfire and men will interpret the eye contact as an invitation to flirt or come on to me. I can’t seem to figure out a no-fail solution.
The discussions around both situations were good, though we focused mostly on the airplane. The kids could immediately see what was happening and could imagine themselves in the same situation. They could see I wasn’t in immediate danger, so they weren’t freaked out. One said her instinct was to react by punching the guy. We discussed what the aftermath of that might be. Someone else said I should say something, but find a way to do it with a joke so he was less likely to get mad. Several came up with good excuses I could give for asking the guy in the window seat to switch with me — making up things like: I get sick when I’m not in a window seat, or I’m pregnant and need to sit by the window so I can lean my head against the wall. All were mostly uncomfortable with the idea of being direct with him or “telling on him” to a flight attendant.
Interestingly, regarding the airplane harassment, the ideas and suggestions we came up with in our family discussions universally required a change of behavior on my part and none on the part of the man who was harassing me. But as I pointed out to the kids, isn’t it strange that I should have to change my behavior when my crime was simply existing? Doesn’t he need to know that his behavior is not okay? That he was treating me like an object that he could handle at will?
I’m also aware, that though I found his manners to be piggish, he very likely wasn’t an overall horrible person. Perhaps he’s kind to animals, and maybe he helps people who have car trouble. I have no idea. I want to assume he was not out to hurt me. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he didn’t know how uncomfortable his touching and his words made me. I really like men. I really like people. And I want to assume the best of everybody. I truly wondered, what gets more priority? My ability to feel safe and comfortable? Or him not being made to feel like a jerk?
As I read the hashtag feed over the weekend, I also learned more about how misogyny is systematic toward woman of color — see tweets here and here. I was reading the #yesallwhitewomen hashtag and came across a statistic that said African American women are 8x more likely to be imprisoned — and face assault in prison — than white women. So disturbing. If I was a black woman, and knew those odds, would I ever risk taking any issue to the police, even something a million times more serious than my little airplane incident, knowing how badly things were stacked against me? How would I even begin to seek justice?
As the weekend went on, and I continued to check the hashtag once in awhile, there were many other seemingly small memories that came up while I read the feed — like being asked if it felt strange to be a girl and be student-body president. Or being a teenager and being honored to meet with my state Governor and Lieutenant Governor, and having the Lieutenant Governor be so sexist that my face couldn’t hide the shock, and the Governor telling a self-deprecating, pro-woman joke to clear the air. I remembered the first tour of my college campus, which was really just a way to point out all the emergency phones in case I was assaulted walking home after class (this was pre-cell phone years). And really, misogyny is so pervasive in our culture, I imagine the stories will just keep popping up in my head anytime I check in to the stream.
Like so many others, I find it disturbing that most of the memories are such simple incidents, that I didn’t even acknowledge them as the harassment and sexist behavior that they are. But they happen to women everywhere, everyday. And they add up fast to make the world a really unsafe place for women.
So, if you’d like to dive in to the conversation, I have a million questions for you. Have you read the stream? Do you feel like you understand the thinking behind the #yesallwomen hashtag? Did any memories come up for you? Did you have an emotional reaction? Do you feel it’s an anti-men movement, or maybe it’s too divisive? Do you have older kids who have noticed the hashtag? Does the hashtag bother you? If you were me, what would you have done on the airplane? And lastly, how do you handle elevators?
P.S. — If you’re Mormon, you may also be interested in reading this #yesevenmormonwomen stream. But I warn you, only do it if you have a strong stomach. The church is deeply patriarchal, and many of the experiences combine sexual abuse + distortion of authority, so the damage is intense. No doubt the same experiences would be true for women in any deeply patriarchal church organization.
Great thoughts! I have not read all the comments, though I would like to. I detest elevators -they make me so uncomfortable. I had an experience 11 year ago when I was 19 that I always think back to as when I truly felt like a sexist act was against me. I had the money saved up to buy myself a brand new car! I was so excited. I had worked hard. I had researched and shopped and I was so ready to make that purchase. I was so prepared. I knew exactly what car I wanted to purchase and I found the one I wanted at a car dealer. I went to the car dealer- it was a Saturday- there were many older men standing around looking to sell a car to someone. I walked around- found my dream car and knew it was the one I wanted. Not one of the salesmen came to me and asked I needed help. Not one! I had to hunt one of them down and he pushed me off! A second man pushed me off! This happened a few times. I got quite disturbed and left. I went to my parents home and talked to my Dad about this situation. I didn’t want to buy a car from that dealer. But what happened next was so interesting. My Dad walked out of his car and literally these same men swarmed him! I was aghast! It was a huge moment for me and I loved the way my Dad handled it- he had me do all the talking and we did mention thatI had come earlier and no one had helped me. Very interesting story! Thanks for your blog and bringing up this topic.
Wow. This has brought up so much for me and I have so many thoughts…
1) I am so amazed and impressed by your ability to bluntly tell your story of molestation. I still have a very hard time telling mine and it’s not even particularly graphic. I find it so embarrassing…. So reading yours was eye opening and empowering.
2) I’m so thrilled to be reading about this hashtag topic. My husband and I had a conversation about this about a year ago after watching Louis C. K. talk about it. How even though I’ve never been raped or attacked by a man I think about it ALL the time. Where I run, if I go out after dark, if I drive alone, if I’m home alone, etc, etc, etc. I lock our house door every day, very time I’m home alone. And I don’t think that’s weird, it just IS.
3) Pondering the airplane question and subsequent comments… The conclusion I came to is that it gets harder and harder for me to say or do something assertive the longer it goes on. So I guess the key for me is to respond quickly to my own discomfort. Not them or their intentions, but my discomfort and my intuition. This takes practice, however.
4) Finally, I love your assertive responses to the comments. Be who you are, own it.
Much love and respect to all the women here,
Nicole
One more thing… I recently started attending a class in downtown Seattle early on Saturday mornings. It’s almost as creepy being out at that time of day as it is late at night. I started enthusiastically wiping my nose with the back my hand anytime a man stared at me longer than I was comfortable with. It made me feel less uncomfortable somehow. I may have tried a similar grossness defense on the plane… Maybe hacking repeatedly into my hands and then wiping it on my pant legs. :)
That actually sounds like a good technique! A guy winked at me the other day and I made a face like I was going to throw up and I realized I wanted that to be my thing.
Thank you so much for sharing this. Especially for speaking to your kids about this issue! I’ve read so much anti-#yesallwomen stuff recently, it’s refreshing to hear someone that is open and willing to discuss their past encounters and teach younger people that these situations are unacceptable. You are such a great mom and a strong woman!
I had the same reaction that you did. That nothing had ever happened to me, thank goodness. I’d never been hurt or molested by a man. I live in NYC so I’ve been cat called and, though it’s really gross, it doesn’t get to me. But it’s those microaggressions that make it so difficult to be a woman in this world. I was recently at a bachelorette party and decided to call it a night earlier than the rest of the girls. It was 3am but we were hanging out in the hotel’s casino and my room was just upstairs. I was sober and realized as soon as I stepped out of the casino that I didn’t feel safe and I felt stupid for leaving before everyone else. I was like, what would my mom say to me right now? I mean, I walk around at night in Brooklyn no problem but here I was in a building filled with cameras, etc, and I was afraid that something might happen to me because I’m female. I was walking down the empty hall super quiet, hoping that nobody saw me by myself so I wouldn’t become a target. After I explained the situation to my boyfriend, he thought I was being paranoid but I don’t think he fully gets it because he’s a man. It’s not fair that ladies should be afraid of doing these things like flying or taking a train, these everyday things.
Hi Gabrielle,
I worked on a comment the day of this post, but I don’t think it went through. I wanted to tell you that I would have felt the same way you did on the plane…knowing you were uncomfortable but not quite sure the best way to handle it. I’d been in that position before, but not in many years…until last week.
Please bear with this rambling story. I’m not the best editor!
I was home (alone) for a furniture delivery from a company we’ve used and trusted before. There were two guys, one with broken English, and one who didn’t speak much at all. I’m always kind and friendly, especially when someone is helping me in any way, and this time was no exception. The first guy greeted me and shook my hand a little too long. Though I was a little creeped out, I continued to be friendly, yet business-like in pointing out that the back door might be easiest to use. He commented that I liked the back door, didn’t I. I wondered if he was attempting friendly banter and was tripped up by the language barrier, or if he was just being crude and inappropriate.
Then a few minutes later, after I’d moved some stuff to make their path clearer, he said “mmm…you’re looking soooo sweet.” Again, was he trying to say I was sweet for helping them or sweet in a creepy way? By this point my heart was pounding and my brain said three strikes and you’re OUT (long handshake, back door, and so sweet), language barrier or not.
But what was out? Me, onto the front porch to “wait for my friend” who was coming over but who didn’t know where I lived, which I then changed to “oh, and my husband should be home any minute” which he was, because thankfully he works in town and I texted him to please come home! They continued moving and I stayed on the front porch frozen and freaking out, frantically imagining every horrible scenario that could play out (anxious much? overactive imagination? or normal reaction?) until my husband pulled up. Right then they were done and I had to sign off on the delivery. As I did, I caught him eyeing me up. (He must have been desperate because let me tell you, my bod’s not looking so hot!) After they were gone, my husband asked what happened and was I okay, and I broke down sobbing. So not me.
So, now my oh-its-been-many-years-since-I’ve-experienced-unwanted-attention has become just-the-other-day. I hated how it made me feel, and I still shudder when I think about how scared and paralyzed I felt.
What really freaks me out is that my daughter is almost guaranteed to feel the same way someday, and I hope I’ll have taught her to be smart and strong.
I forgot to add that I decided not to confront him because I didn’t want to provoke anything worse, and because he knows where I live.
I will let the company know, but not right away, or even from my own phone because again, if it gets back to him that I was the one who blew the whistle…he knows where I live.
All this from a too-long handshake and a couple of (maybe?) inappropriate comments. I’ll bet he hasn’t though of it since, yet I’ve lost sleep over it for a week. Jerk.
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Thank you for posting that and sharing..
I’m a bit late to the game, but it’s interesting to me to read your perspective. I’m 29, raised in the midwest, and I’ve put up with my share of crud from men. I can think of countless situations where I haven’t stood up for myself.. yet other times I know I shoot daggers with my eyes at men and send an overall don’t screw with me message. I’ll be honest, though, that’s probably where I get scared and don’t know what to do. If I’ve given you all the cues that the answer is no, back off, and you don’t, now I feel concerned.
And in some ways isn’t that the worst part of this? There is no right way.
I have stood up for myself countless times. And the result?
I get called a tease. I get called frigid, a b*tch, stuck up, snobby.. countless names for not responding positively to clearly inappropriate behavior.
I’m an incest survivor, many years older than you and I took the same blase attitute that you do ( I don’t need sympathy, it’s in the past and many people had it worse) for too many years. I can now look back and see the many negative ways it affected my life and my relationships. You are doing yourself no favors by marginalizing what happened to you.
That you are not able to set boundries as an adult but must still be the good, compliant little girl should be a wake up call. I very strongly urge you to get professional help. It is all well and good (though I have never told my grown children of my abuse) to use yourself as an example to teach your kids, but do understand that the abuse you suffered was seriously wrong and should be carefully dealt with. You owe this to yourself.
Jude. You are projecting. Because you don’t know me, you missed a key factor of this post. The reason that I mentioned the airplane situation is because it was so unusual for me. I am able to set boundaries. Please don’t make assumptions.
Thank you for posting this, two things stand out to me. First your mention of women of color which I find few women not of color are willing to talk about. Being a women of color creates layers of extra problems in the situations you mentioned. If I were on that plan some of my thoughts would have also been A) if I say something even if polite in a calm voice will I be seen as the ” loud ghetto black women” and B) At least he doesn’t hate me because I’m black which is sick that I would except some form however mild of sexual harassment as a step forward in race relations.
The second thing is how you discuss it. It is real. You are clearly a confident women in your life but these situations make you timid and unsure. You consistently down play what you have experienced even though by writing this post you acknowledge what is wrong. I think a lot of articles about this topic written by women come off as angry (which they have every right to be) but can intimidate some women if they feel they can not act as firmly as those articles tell us to and that can shut down the conversation.
Thank you for the thoughtful response, Stephanie. Your words are a compliment to me.