In January I received a comment from a reader named Amy, asking about what it’s like to navigate not-drinking-alcohol in social situations.
She wrote:
Saw the champagne bottle on the last “a few things” of the year. I assume you might not drink being Mormon… don’t think you’ve ever written about that… do you ever end up being in situations where a lot of people are drinking and it’s annoying/awkward?
Then another reader, Ali, wrote:
We are also a non-drinking family and are planning a move to Italy. I’ve been wondering how to navigate social situations there where wine is such a part of the culture. I don’t want to offend people, but I’m not going to drink either. I’d love to hear how you handled social drinking situations in France.
Then a third reader, Bobbie, wrote:
I would also be curious about this. My live-in boyfriend is a recovering alcoholic and I’ve (mostly) happily given up alcohol, but it makes social situations tough, especially around holidays or other celebrations. It doesn’t help that we don’t yet have kids and many social engagements still having a drinking element.
I’d be curious about how others handle this for other reasons. Especially because we will likely be planning a wedding soon–I’m feeling very anxious about an occasion where many will be drinking but we won’t be.
Does it offend people?
I think these are such interesting questions and thought I’d tackle a response. It’s the sort of topic that I think readers will have a wide variety of experiences with, and thoughts about, so I’m hoping you’ll chime in as well.
To answer Amy’s question: Is it ever annoying or awkward? I would say, mostly it’s totally fine, but once in awhile, yes, it is annoying or awkward.
One awkward memory:
When I first moved to New York I hadn’t really ever been to a bar before and found the whole thing very mysterious and stressful. It was clearly a scene that was so familiar to seemingly everyone else in the city, but totally foreign to me. I didn’t know how it worked — like how to get the bartender’s attention, what types of non-alcoholic drinks are typically available at a bar. Is it okay to just order a soda? A water? Is there an option if I want a fancy-looking drink, but without alcohol?
And it felt like something I couldn’t avoid — there were always events where I would be meeting friends or co-workers at a bar to celebrate something or other. I was so embarrassed that I didn’t know this stuff already at 27 years old.
I also didn’t understand that pubs and bars also often serve food — and that they can be a great option for late night eats. But I learned. And now it’s not a big deal.
One annoying memory:
As I’ve mentioned, I didn’t grow up around drinking at all, and I didn’t spend time around people who were drinking until we moved to New York. At some point I learned that I didn’t really even notice if people were drinking during social situations — they might be more relaxed, or more giggly, but the alcohol didn’t seem to make that big of a difference. Until a line was crossed and they were drunk. I learned I find drunk people pretty annoying. And I don’t like that sense of being responsible for a drunk friend. Getting drunk, or wanting to get drunk, is not something I pretend to understand.
Lucky for me, I’m around people who are drinking often, but rarely around anyone who is drunk.
Four things I’ve learned that helped me navigate not-drinking in social situations:
1) You’re not alone. Yes, alcohol is everywhere and widely served. Unless you’re willing to keep a very tight social circle, alcohol is unavoidable. That said, there are a ton of people who don’t drink (even celebrities). And they don’t drink for a wide variety of reasons. It’s just not that unusual.
Some people simply don’t like alcohol. Others may be pregnant or have other medical reasons not to drink. Or maybe someone has a big presentation the next day and doesn’t want to risk feeling hungover. Someone might be trying to lose weight. Or they might be a recovering alcoholic. Or, like me, they might steer clear of alcohol for a religious reason (Mormons aren’t the only religion to swear off alcohol.)
It’s really no one’s business why you’re not drinking, and happily, most people don’t ask. You can say whatever you want if someone does ask, even just a shrug and, “Not in the mood.” For sure there’s no need to explain in-depth or get into your religious reasons for abstaining. : )
2) It gets easier. I’ve noticed the whole navigating-not-drinking is easier the older I get. By their mid-30s it seems like a lot of my friends start trying to drink less — their metabolism slows down, or they’re taking a medication that doesn’t mix well with alcohol, or they can’t snap back from a hangover as quickly. At 42, not drinking feels much less conspicuous than it did at 27.
3) Find something reliable that you can order. The most helpful thing for me personally? I learned to love sparkling water — like Perrier or San Pellegrino or any old generic club soda. I used to hate it. Just detest it. But I kept drinking it and now I love it. It’s helpful to love it, because at any social event where a bar is involved, I know I can always order a sparkling water — maybe with a lemon or lime wedge — and it never draws negative attention or makes me stand out in a way that feels weird.
4) Keep a drink in hand. At social events where there is a bar, it’s best to have a drink in my hand. It’s totally fine if the drink is non-alcoholic, I just need to be holding something (and it can’t be empty). Having a drink in my hand seems to allow me to bypass almost every drinking-related conversation. And when it comes time to cheers — as it so often does — then I already have a drink ready to go.
A note about France:
When we lived in France, instead of alcohol being a challenge, the harder thing was that we didn’t drink coffee or tea (besides herbal options). And there was no Starbucks to run to, and no to-go food culture, if I had houseguests who needed coffee. So while we lived there, I learned to make coffee with a French press, and now I always keep my house stocked with one, just in case. We were sometimes gifted alcohol — a beautiful bottle of wine or calvados. We were of course grateful and gracious, and we would simply find an appreciative friend who we could regift it to.
Okay. Your turn. What would you say to Amy, Ali and Bobbie? Any advice? Did you grow up around drinking? If you stopped drinking, would your social life change? How would you describe your relationship with alcohol these days?
P.S. — Three mocktail recipes.
I drink 2-4 glasses of wine per month. There are people in my family and my circle of friends who have addiction issues with alcohol. What bothers me is seeing people actively promote drinking (constant facebook posts looking tipsy at the bar) or pressuring people to drink. I don’t want to cause someone else to stumble. Don’t apologize for not drinking. Your refusal may be helping someone else to stay strong.
I did a junior year abroad in France and tried to raise my tolerance to alcohol since drinking was so prevalent there (partly due to my age). I have since learned there’s no such thing. People just get better at hiding the effects it has on them.
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While I’m not tee-total, I basically don’t drink. I perhaps have 3 or 4 alcoholic drinks a year.
When I was younger, at university, and a young adult, drinking (I’m in the UK) was part of the culture, but gradually I aged out of it AND fewer situations arose where drink was… not expected… but seen as the norm.
I also found, by chance, that my friendship group mostly ended up in the next town from mine, so a lot of my social events happen over there, and I drive home, so I can’t drink.
I also made the decision, years ago, that I wasn’t going to drink alcohol at any work-related event, even work socials. And honestly? It’s never been an issue. There’s always a non-alcoholic option at the bar (I’m slightly more limited in that I also don’t drink carbonated drinks – but hey, fruit juices and water is fine!)
I’m a primary school teacher, and it’s quite customary to be gifted bottles of wine at the end of the year by students and families. And while I do try and make it known that I don’t really drink, I still get loads, and often really nice stuff. So I’m also well-set for regifting! Just last weekend, I was able to “gift” some close friends a really lovely bottle of prosecco for their wedding anniversary dinner – at no cost to me!
What an interesting topic & conversation! I found this through another blog (Modern Mrs. Darcy) and wanted to read it b/c I also don’t drink alcohol. I was raised Southern Baptist, where alcohol is supposedly a big no-no (but SO many drink it secretly anyway) & grew up in a dry county & town. Although I’m no longer a Baptist, I do not drink alcohol, nor does my husband.
We are fortunate to have family & some friends who are not drinkers either so it’s usually not an issue when we’re all together. We tend to avoid certain social situations that will involve alcohol, but we don’t feel deprived by this in any way—we are a bit introverted anyway. Most people are fairly nice about it when we decline, but we’ve also been questioned heavily or spoken to as if we were missing out on all their fun.
We were part of a class at our church where some members used to spend quite a bit of time on Sundays discussing the alcohol they planned to drink at upcoming class parties. This was a turn off for us for many reasons but especially since it seemed sad to hear 40-something’s so concerned with drinking. I mention this b/c I agree with others who have noted how ingrained alcohol is in our culture. There seem to be people who feel they can’t have fun, can’t relax, etc. unless they are drinking & they often act put-out with those of us who decline. We’ve never chastised others for drinking and we certainly don’t expect them not to do so. In our own home, there is no alcohol & we never pick it up for guests who might drink—tea, soda, & water are readily available though. This has never been an issue.
What a great find! (Thanks Modern Mrs. Darcy) I do not drink alcohol either. Having grown up in a dry county, as a Baptist, in the south…it just wasn’t something I was around much. Then my alcohol uncle came to stay for a bit when I was a tweenager. We came home one evening and he was drunk (which I had never been exposed to) and began telling bawdy jokes as we walked through the door. My dad took care of the situation but I can still see my uncle’s odd facial expressions, the horrible smell (stale alcohol mixed with body odor), and his complete lack of civility and appropriate behavior. Those experiences along with a general feeling of, eh, not something I ever want to get involved in led to me being an unintentional tee-totaler. :-)
All that said, the culture at the company where I’ve worked for almost 18 years is one of happy hours and receptions and getting together for drinks. I don’t find it awkward as a non drinker but there have been many occasions where people are obnoxiously persistent wanting to know why I don’t drink. They can’t seem to accept that I don’t want to. I’m not a recovering alcoholic. It’s not a religious thing. That is annoying and awkward both.
One sort of sad point…I’ve found that other women often don’t want to invite me to their wine get togethers/happy hours. I’m not sure what’s behind the thought process that I somehow wouldn’t have a good time without drinking with everyone else – a glass of water and some appetizers would be great by me! Or maybe they think I’m judging or something? (I’m not.) When I’ve hosted ladies nights, I always invite people to BYOB so I’m not sure why they think I’d somehow have an issue with it at someone else’s home.
For the person asking about Europe, I lived in Italy and have traveled throughout Europe. I’ve never found it problematic to not drink. Wine is readily available but I never felt pressured to drink it.
Lastly…side note but I have several Mormon friends and I’ve always appreciated that they are not judgmental about me not drinking. ;-)
My line in college was “No thanks, I’m driving. Need a ride?” It went over really well. No one ever pushed. I was very surprised at this, and continued to use it since. The tip about always having an alternative drink in hand is great for navigating social situations. Not because it makes the drinkers more comfortable …. I think it’s always helpful to have something in your hand while navigating social situations – whether it’s a toothpick, a purse, or a drink. Sometimes I just don’t know what to do with my hands while standing around with a bunch of people making small talk, or getting deep into conversation.
I’m from Mumbai, India, and my conservative family strictly forbids me from drinking. But you can’t escape it if you work in the media industry. Personally, I prefer Diet Coke over alcohol anytime, simply because of the flavor. To ease myself out of social situations, I’d voice my hatred for the taste–else politely point out that alcohol and homeopathic medicines don’t mix. If I really have to down it, I don’t go beyond a glass–I hate not being in control. Recently, I developed a health issue, and red wine turned out to be the cure. Alcohol is now medicine for me, but even then, I restrict it to two glasses per month and order a can of Coke alongside.