By Gabrielle. Photo by Amy Christie for Design Mom.
I already told you I don’t wear my wedding ring. And now, I have a further confession that will no doubt cement your thinking that I am the least romantic person in the world. Hah! Here it is: Though I always enjoy having fresh flowers in the house, I don’t like Ben Blair to give me flowers. At all. So much so, that a couple of years into our marriage, I asked him not to give me flowers from that point on (and we’ve been married 20 years).
Doesn’t that sound awful? But stay with me for a minute, because though it took me awhile to pinpoint what they are, I do have reasons. And happily, expressing my no-flower-request to Ben, didn’t even slightly ruffle his feathers. He totally understood. My reasons? The first one is simple. Money was especially tight when we were first married, and fresh flowers aren’t always inexpensive. If we were going to use some of our budget for flowers, I thought we should discuss it first, like we would discuss any non-essential purchase.
But the second reason is harder for me to articulate, because I’m not opposed to flowers as gifts in general at all. I give flowers as gifts often. And I’ve been sent flowers from friends and even clients, flowers that have brought great joy! So I’m really only not into flowers-as-a-gift from my husband.
I think it stems from when we were young and still learning how to be married, and I could see that when Ben Blair gave me flowers, it was about the gesture, not about the flowers themselves. He didn’t have strong opinions about the flower types or the colors, he’s not someone who puts importance on having fresh flowers in the house, he just wanted to do something sweet to show me he loved me. And in our limited experience, flowers were the thing that husbands were “supposed” to buy for wives.
That bothered me because I didn’t like the idea of him feeling pressure to keep up with a societal tradition that wasn’t particularly important to either of us. It was if he felt like he couldn’t be a good spouse and partner if he didn’t bring me flowers. Which of course, wasn’t true.
It’s not that I don’t want flowers in the house! I definitely want flowers in the house, but instead of wanting flowers because they are a symbol of love from my husband, I want flowers because I happen to enjoy beautiful flowers. Does that make sense? And it’s not that I don’t want my spouse to show me he loves me. I definitely do! And I should note here that Ben Blair found other ways to show he loved me. He has always been really good at making me feel loved.
There is a third reason, but it’s minor. I really enjoy shopping for fresh flowers, so if we’re going to include flowers in the budget, I want to help shop for them. : )
To sum up, I LOVE having fresh flowers in the house, but I prefer to buy them myself. Not because I am trying to make a statement, but because I don’t want my husband to feel pressure to buy them, and because I just really enjoy buying flowers.
That said, every once in awhile, Ben will wonder if he should be buying me flowers — he wonders if it’s good for the kids to see him do so. Will they be better partners to their future spouses if he models giving traditional romantic gifts? I get what he’s saying, but I’m not worried. I feel like our kids see us do kind things for each other daily — even if those kind things don’t involve traditional things like flowers, or chocolates or jewelry.
Okay, now I’m curious. What’s your take on fresh flowers? Do they ever make your shopping list? Or do they make the “unnecessary expense” list? I’ve had years where they were a regular weekly purchase, and other years where I hardly bought them at all. And what about flowers from your partner? Does anyone else feel like me and prefer to buy flowers yourself instead of receive them from your spouse, or am I on my own this time?
P.S. — I wonder if this is also related to the idea of love languages. I’m pretty sure gifts are not my love language. : )
I find it a bit much that you had to expressly tell your husband not to buy you flowers. Unless he’s totally clueless about money and buys it all the time even when he can’t afford it? I know my husband is frugal, but that’s why it’s so special when he buys flowers. It’s an indulgence. And I don’t care what flowers he gives. Flowers are pricey, but he decided to buy me some I will say thank you. I was looking for something more in this article. All I got was some sort of bravado.
I think you need to loosen up and let Ben Blair buy you flowers when the moment moves him. He is thinking about you and this gesture lets you know that. Now I get it, it might not be the flowers that you would choose, but in this case it truly is the thought that counts. And I think it’s important for your children to see this. My rule around flowers is that I never want my husband to get me any on Valentine’s Day – it’s ridiculously expensive and we don’t need a holiday to be prompted to get each other small gifts or tokens of love which is what a bouquet of flowers from the grocery store can mean. I love when my husband comes home with flowers for me “just because.” And yes, many times (more often than not) he doesn’t get the flowers that I would choose, but it is so sweet and thoughtful that I never say anything to him and just tell him thank you and I love you for thinking of me! Thoughtful is the word I want to emphasize here. My husband had a wonderful role model as his father did things like this for his mother quite often, so my husband is really good at this – he learned from watching the way his father treated his mother, with love and kindness and thoughtful gestures like buying flowers. My daughter has mentioned this often, how she always loved how my husband would just bring home flowers out of the blue. She does this with her partner and for me and her grandmothers…it really does make an impression on our children. I love when she bring me flowers just because. And she’s 28, so those memories definitely stay with your kids. I love, love, love fresh flowers in the house and even when our budget is super tight, I can still pick up a beautiful bunch of gladiolas at Trader’s for $3.99 and it makes me so happy. So my vote is let Ben Blair buy you flowers when the moment moves him. Your kids will notice and might do that for their future partners, grandparents, etc. It’s a good thing!!!
Sometimes, I like the thought of my husband was thinking about me, but I believe them to be a waste of money, and like you I prefer to get the ones I like,. My love language is acts of service and quality time . So doing dishes, playing with our children, spending time with me, going for hikes in the mountains. Much more rewarding then flowers.
This post is so timely, my husband just had a dozen red roses delivered to me at work for our 18th anniversary, and I had mixed emotions upon receiving them. I agree, I don’t want my husband to feel obligated to buy them for me. BUT, I really do appreciate the sentiment, especially because he planned it (rather than his usual of showing up with a bouquet and card from a last-minute run to Trader Joe’s, LOL!). Perhaps my mix of emotions is because I know my husband sees giving flowers as a total waste, which makes the sentiment even more special. BTW, he also throws out greeting cards the minute after he reads them so his love language is not gifts! I am an acts-of-service type all the way. Thanks for sharing.
I always felt this way but never articulated quite as well. Above all I detest the notion that because someone wants to give us something (or does) as a woman we have to “appreciate” it. I find the attitude of, “if he wants to give it to you, you have to appreciate it,” as creepy as it sounds in any other context.
Don’t you think “creepy” is a bit of an overstatement? Sure, in a mature relationship, hopefully one spouse can eventually get it across to the other that they’d prefer something other than flowers if that’s the case. . .
BUT, do we have to appreciate when our loved ones attempt to make loving and thoughtful gestures toward us, whether they’re the most perfectly chosen gestures or not? I would argue we do – or at least we do, if we value our relationships.
If you stomp on people when they try to do something nice for you, however clumsily, odds are they’ll get the message and stop trying.
We’be spent nearly our entire 10 years of marriage as students. In the beginning I thought flowers were a sweet gesture, but weren’t worth the damage to the budget. But occasionally, if I see a bouquet that is particular beautiful I’ll buy them for myself. Then when I get home I thank my husband profusely for his thoughtfulness, because I know if he would have been there and known how much I liked the flowers, he would want me to have them. Obligatory flowers? No thanks. But flowers because they make me smile? Yes, please. I get the best of it, and I’m more than willing to throw the credit to my husband, because I know how much he really does want me to be happy (through much more meaningful gestures. Ones that require creative thoughtfulness and effort). Usually I prefer cutting flowers from my flower beds, but sometimes buying them is just the treat I want.
I love having fresh flowers in our house, but my husband has only bought them for me a few times. He’s more likely to show his love for me in other ways, which is totally fine. Though I wouldn’t mind getting flowers more often.
My mom doesn’t like getting flowers, because they die, so I never really saw my dad buy them for her when I was growing up (though he would still do it sometimes), but he would always show his love in my other ways.
I think as long as your children know that Ben loves you and that you don’t have to buy things to show you love someone, they will know how to be good partners.
Kristi | Be Loverly
A lot of people have mentioned their husbands (like your mom) don’t like buying flowers because they die quickly, so it’s impractical. But I think that’s exactly why cut flowers are a romantic gesture: the whole point is that it’s not practical, it’s extravagant and over-the-top. Flowers have just a fleeting moment of beauty before they die, which is exactly what gives them such a potent symbolism.
allergies. He brings me sourdough bread instead.
I never knew women felt so differently from each other on this topic! I LOVE flowers. Like super duper love them and I’m totally fine with the extravagance of having cut flowers in my house when my husband buys them for me. Gift-getting is totally a love language of mine, and I feel loved when someone remembers what I like and drops it at my doorstep. The only time I feel a bit off about getting flowers is at Valentines when they are so expensive. I’m really happy with a small bouquet that shows me he loves me. I do not want a super practical gift–no potted plants or vacuums or new refrigerators! :)
I feel exactly the same. I would include for me that I hate spending money on things that die in a week. My husband agrees.
It’s always a wonderful surprise to see when my husband picks me a bouquet from the yard and displays it in a vase for me to find.
Oh my! I thought I was the only one! I have trained my husband to look closely at the flowers he is buying for me. He usually goes to whole foods as they have the best arrangements. He maybe gets me flowers once a year so it’s not a financial thing. Then I have to disassemble the arrangement and put into smaller bases in a more simple arrangement. I like doing that part which is why I’m ok getting bouquets even though I’d rather get a potted green plant truthfully but part of the fun is making a big overstuffed bouquet add flowers to every room in the house in an understated way.
Chocolate and wine. He knows I will never turn those down!!
Wow! Your sentiment sounded like it came out of my brain! Very much loved how you expressed it. I also remember early in our marriage seeing all the othe young couples and flowers buying. I didn’t like the pressure and felt like my husband was trying to buy me flowers when I knew we couldn’t afford them. That’s not what I wanted to spend our money on either! I also love picking out flowers:) This whole topic rings true of a lot ‘love’ discussions I think. If you truly know someone and love them, societies traditions could be special but are not essential to love. My father, who recently passed away, hated fishing but my Mom loves fishing and would go deep sea fishing when she was young. For one of her birthdays my Dad bought her this great fishing rod. She would fish and he would bring a book and read beside her. :)
My husband and I both love to have fresh flowers in our house. We live with our two girls in a small cottage that has a couple of dark walls of wood paneling. Flowers brighten it up so much. We’ve started counting them as part of rent, because they make such a difference to the space! He usually buys them for me on Mothers’ Day and Valentine’s Day, but I normally pick them out the rest of the time. Even though we often have flowers, it still feels special when he and my daughter get them for me on special occasions.
Flowers are wonderful to receive, from my husband, but I still cringe at the expense. I hope to get rich enough to not flinch about that someday. I can’t go anywhere comfortably without my wedding ring though. I feel naked and I don’t like male interest in me as I still get it and have never NOT been awkward when it occurs.
Ive been married nearly 16 years and I don’t wear my wedding ring. Once in a while someone will notice and if Im going to a work function with my husband Ill put a ring on – if I remember. My hands are not particularly pretty (I bite my nails) so it never feels very important.
I love flowers, but they are not possible in our budget any more, cost of living has increased and we have had to cut back a lot. HOWEVER I have a beautiful garden where I grow beautiful flowers, sometimes I cut them and bring them into the house.
If I had had a pre-nup, “no flowers” would have been in it.
And “No gifts, too.”
I remember dancing with one sister’s boyfriend at another sister’s wedding (hers was a textbook public proposal with all the presents/trimmings that ended just one year later), and the boyfriend mentioned that my sister thought it was time for him to get her a “major gift.” I walked off the dance floor and said, “you are asking this guy whose idea of big college dude night out is to come over to your house, cook dinner, help you with your laundry , and hang out with your three-year-old daughter for a major gift? Aren’t you being validated in every second you spend together? ” They have been happily married 18 years through moves, stress, and family crises.
Function over form works for me. Coffee being made before I wake up, enjoying the garden together, making us breakfast sandwiches before we ski on a powder day….
Why do women want to plant these land mines for men? For themselves? I have had cheaters buy me great gifts and flowers, so I will always choose substance over style.
Love this post and conversation! I have never liked roses, especially red ones, because they are so cliched, but other than that I have always liked the idea of a man giving flowers as a romantic gesture…but more so spontaneously than when given as some sort of mandatory gift for a holiday or something. I really dislike flowers as an apology, though…THAT, instead of a conversation and discussion and apology was something an ex-boyfriend had done that my ex-husband knew about it. But, he used it as an excuse never to buy me flowers, continuing to say that he knew I “didn’t like flowers,” despite my repeated explanations. That really just reinforced a lot of the subtle messages that were problematic in our marriage, mainly reflecting his constant withholding of love and affection. He purposefully withheld demonstrations of love in an attempt to retain more power in the relationship. Honestly, he was also just cheap, and even though I never would have wanted him to spend money on something like that when it was really tight for us, there were many years when he could have easily done so and never did. Honestly, even grocery store flowers would have lovely and much appreciated. Maybe this is because one of my love languages is gifts, and like one of the commenter’s daughters above, I love more than anything to GIVE gifts and take great joy in selecting what I hope will be something that the receiver is really excited to receive.
Happily, I am now dating a very wonderful, emotionally generous man who had given me flowers twice :). And, he asked which flowers I liked during a conversation the day after we met, so he knows I don’t like roses or carnations.
With all of that, while I do enjoy receiving flowers under the right circumstances, I can completely understand all of the reasons why you do not, Gabby, and I think it is SO wonderful that you and Ben Blair have the kind of marriage and communication that allows you to understand each other so well on this and so many other issues.
I agree 100%.
I found this reading after receiving Valentines Day flowers from my loving husband. I felt terrible that I hated them because it is the thought that counts. He’s out of town so not sure of his request from the florist but they are a bouquet of red and white carnations, red and pick small roses. I dislike the traditional red and white for Valentines Day. I’ve mentioned flowers I love and he’s evened ask but seems to forget. He’s the best Husband I could ever imagined and helps around the house all the time. Don’t know if I should mention it to him. Don’t want to ruin his joy of giving.
I hate when my husband brings me flowers and have told him so time and time again. It is a shallow gesture that invokes negative feelings and I’ve gotten over feeling like it’s my shortcoming that I don’t want them or like them. You’d think he’d get it after 16 years but I’m still getting them and still throwing them away. But it’s easier to pick up a bouquet than it is to actually do something that requires more effort.
I honestly believe my husband buys me flowers just to be able to say “I gave my wife flowers for [the event].” He has even take photos of the flowers and posted them on his FB page. For that reason, along with other more personal yet typical marriage inconsiderations, I don’t want his flowers. They really are not for me, but for “show”.
Somehow in his mind he believes he has done something nice. The arrangements are almost always the same unimaginative, almost cookie cutter style. And somehow I am expected to be impressed.
Yes, there is some tension and trouble in our relationship. For anyone who doesn’t get it, and if by some weird chance he should come across this page, it’s called poor communication, not asking your wife what she actually wants or just thinking you are always right, no matter what your spouse says.
I used to like getting flowers but they now symbolise problems in my relationship. I always get them as a kind of apology but it has the reverse affect because he hasn’t apologised and then I have to thank him and show gratitude when actually I’d have preferred a heart felt verbal apology
Also he tends to be excessive in everything ( he drinks too much, eats too much, wants too much sex) and I get TWO bunches of flowers which adds to my annoyance
I hate sounding so ungrateful but there is a lot of hidden meanings beneath these acts of flower giving that only women seem to get!
Great article!
My wife sent me this article… because–Heaven forbid!–I bought her flowers this morning. After 27 years, you’d think that I would have learned that SHE DOESN’T LIKE ME TO BRING HER FLOWERS. She’d rather I bring her chocolate.
Of course, then she’ll be mad because, don’t I know that she’s trying to lose weight?
Oh, well… :/
Me and my husband were married for 5 years and he ALWAYS ignored my birthday/valentines day/our anniversary/.Christmas. I didn’t mind not getting valentines day/Christmas or anniversary gifts, but my birthday being ignored really hurt me and my husband knew this. I ADORE flowers. I wasn’t expecting anything expensive for my birthday, just a card with some lovely words and a small bunch of flowers would have been enough. I will never forget the birthday I had where I bought myself some flowers and a bottle of wine and sat and got drunk and then burst in to tears. My husband’s response was “well I asked you if you wanted me to acknowledge your birthday and you said “don’t bother”. I carefully explained to him that I shouldn’t have to ASK for him to remember my special day……he should WANT to. I never even used to get a kiss and a hug and a ‘happy birthday darling”. When I say that my day was ignored, I mean IGNORED. However, here is where it gets interesting. I suspected that he was interested in one of his female Facebook ‘friends’. He was constantly mentioning this woman and he thought that the sun shone out of her rear end. One day he accidentally left his FB open and I just had to have a look. By this stage our relationship was VERY rocky. I had recently survived stage 3 cancer and he was STILL constantly yalking about this woman. Anyway, I looked through his FB and then I saw it. A message from my husband to this woman on her birthday telling her that she was gorgeous and that he loved her. So much for not believing in all that birthday crap eh?! I left him and went to live with my sister for 6 months. He begged me to come back and I am still trying to forgive his ‘Emotional Affair’. We are taking one day at a time, but I will never be able to forget that he did something for a woman that he has never even met that he would not do for his own wife. Oh, I almost forgot. On my birthday this year I got a beautiful card with lovely words and a dozen red roses………I should have been happy…….but it’s kind of too little too late.